All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Dread Ending Up on The Surreal Life

NYU guy to pal: If you could pick any five girls, and one of them had to be Tom Cruise…

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: Lexey

Man: If Leonard Cohen were a hamster, I’d kill him.

–Freddy’s Bar, Brooklyn

Hobo: Donald Trump is my cousin, but he doesn’t know it because I came out black.

–Museum Mile

Teen girl on cell: Hey, I just read that Brad and Angelina decided to adopt their next kid from Vietnam. You totally have a shot… No, seriously, you should apply. I mean, I guess you’d have to try out and stuff, but it’d so be worth it.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St

Skinny black goth girl: Am I gay, or am I Paris Hilton?!

–Cardozo High School

MTA elevator operator to another: You don’t have to be forgiven. Clint Eastwood taught us that.

–1 train station elevator, 168th St

Overheard by: martin gehrke

Guy on cell in line: Yeah, she’s messing around with Michael Jordan and shit! You do not want your lady messing around with Michael Jordan!

–Rite Aid, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: dutchman

Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.

–2nd St & Ave B

Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?

–Victoria’s Secret, Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Linda

Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!

–Starbucks, La Guardia airport

Overheard by: Allears

Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!

–Victoria’s Secret, 57th St

Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?

–Greene St & Prince St

Overheard by: deadzebra

Man: Are you a Jehovah’s Witness? ‘Cause I don’t want you comin’ to my house unless you’re going to drop your panties!

–PATH train

Overheard by: blkgirl

Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria’s Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?

–Broadway & Prince St

Overheard by: djingo

Let’s Hop on a Bus, Wednesday One-liners

Man on cell: Yo Hamster! Oh, hey Tomato, whats goin’ on?

–Bx12 bus

Overheard by: Courtney C

Girl on cell: I swear it had to be 8 or 9 inches long…yeah I know, I was shocked. It was the biggest damned cockroach I have ever seen…yes, a roach, what did you think I was talking about?

–Bx9 bus

Overheard by: ogie

Bus driver: Next stop 3rd Avenue. We’ll be arriving in a week to 10 days…Anyone want to get off here? That’ll be $50. Send me a check.

–M14D bus

Overheard by: Sherri

When You Wednesday Upon a One-Liner, It Makes No Difference Who You Are

Guy walking by himself: I wish everybody who is not mentally ill would just drop dead!

–9th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Rear Admiral Butts

Guy (admiringly, to attractive girl passing by): Damn, girl, I wish you were a guy!

–14th St & 1st Ave

Ditzy girl to another, about her boyfriend: He's teaching himself philosophy right now. He bought a philosophy dictionary. He can do that, you know, because he's so smart. I wish I could do that!

–Astoria

Overheard by: squarehand

Young guy to girl: Dude, I wish Dali was still around so he could do my album.

–Museum of Modern Art

Overheard by: Gino

Serious girl: I wish I had gotten the ovaries!

–Korean Baptist Church, Astoria

Overheard by: Evan

Wednesday One-liners Belong in a Cage

Girl: These fish are big, yo! Or is this tank magnetic?

–Petland, Greenpoint

Overheard by: miles

Wednesday One-Liners Have a “Distinctive Face”

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I am homeless and I have no money. I am also ugly — that is why I have no friends.

–Kingston-Throop Station

Overheard by: Ann Lee

Old man passerby to hot guy kissing ugly chick: You can do better, son! You can do better!

–B train, 86th St

Tall Brit on cell: In Europe they definitely have an ugly girl problem, but back home in England it’s a damn epidemic.

–45th & 9th

Ugly beer-guzzler: Didn’t you know that they send all of the ugly people to Cleveland? Because then they’re all there together, and they feel comfortable enough to mate. Of course, I had to get out of there and come to New York!

–79th St Boat Basin Café

Overheard by: amalthya

Old guy to high school chick: You are very beautiful, but that shirt makes you look ugly!

–D train

Celebutante Wednesday One-Liners

Drunk girl: Oh my god! I looove Amy Winehouse! But, ugh! Poor bitch is gonna die soon!

–Vynl Restaurant, 51st & 9th

Overheard by: Sitting next to the loudest table

Val Kilmer, noticing a ‘Now Appearing’ sign: Oh! Kris-tin Bell! Not Chris-tian Bale. That makes a lot more sense.

–Big Apple Con, Penn Plaza Pavilion, 33rd & 7th

Nerdy guy: Hey, I may look like Steve-O, but I get more butt than a toilet!

–Outside of The Hog Pit, 13th & 9th

Woman, to friend: … And then Chuck Norris came out of nowhere!

–W 8th St & Ave S

Overheard by: Kat

Clerk girl: Well, she’s kinda like the Korean Melissa Etheridge.

–Duane & Broadway

Overheard by: taylor

Disappointed redneck to fat wife, exiting Olive Garden: Well, we did not see any famous people in there.

–Times Square

Don’t Cry For Me, Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Hey, no crying on the train! No crying on the train!

–1 train

Man: I make people cry, and you tickle them.

–Wall St

Girl: You’re making me wanna shed mad tears!

–Lower East Side

Mom to young daughter: I think Daddy cries because he cares.

–JFK

Drunk guy: Jim? Jim! I don’t think we can be friends anymore… I cried after the Super Bowl.

–Waverly & Broadway

Woman on cell: I call her at work sometimes, and I’m like ‘Hi, Beth,’ but I can’t hear her because she’s sobbing.

–22nd & Park

Overheard by: Champ

Tween: I made a babysitter cry once. She was so immature.

–Brooklyn-bound R train

Wednesday One-Liner’s Parents Used the TV as a Sitter

Hard hat: This is my idea, okay? Seriously, don’t try and steal it, because I think I can make this happen. Ready? The Fab Five visit Dog the Bounty Hunter’s show, and they give Dog and his whole crew a makeover.

–Construction site, 26th & 6th

Overheard by: Big Perm

Black aesthetician, discussing Flavor of Love: I know that show’s gonna set my people back 50 years, but I just gotta watch it.

–Staff room, NYC Day Spa, 57th between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: massage therapist lurking nearby

Jock: Last night we were so wasted we got naked and mounted the ram….and then watched Fraggle Rock.

–Rose Hill Cafeteria, Fordham

College student: Watching Dawson’s Creek is like studying for the SATs.

–St. John’s University

Nerdy teen: Oh my God, a refrigerator with a television in it. My life’s dream has just been realized.

–Best Buy, 23rd & 6th

Overheard by: nicolette

Amateur media scholar: It’s not called Lost because they’re lost. It’s called Lost because the audience can’t follow it.

–R train

20-Something guy to his date: But if you don’t have a television, how do you watch porn?

–Koi, 40th & 6th

Overheard by: UniqueNY

A Woman's Right to Wednesday One-Liners

Angry black woman: Why these motherfuckers always wearing "right for life" buttons, philosophizing and shit?

–Dallas BBQ, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike H

Student: Aborting your baby is so boring now. Everyone does it.

–Bard High School Early College

Drunk loud teenage Latina: Ladies and gentlemen, I am a minority and I have never had an abortion!

–N Train

Overheard by: g-lime

Man on cell: Oh… Oh shit… Well, can't you just take a wire hanger and pull it out? Yeah, just stick the hanger in and pull it right out! Okay? Okay. Bye.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: marge

Fabulous gay guy: So, my coworkers at Olive Garden all wanted to go out for a picnic one day. Our one friend had to work though, so we told her to tell our boss she needed to go get an abortion and she actually did it!

–Life Cafe, Avenue B & 10th St

Overheard by: Rachel W.

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