Wednesday One-Liner’s Parents Used the TV as a Sitter

Hard hat: This is my idea, okay? Seriously, don’t try and steal it, because I think I can make this happen. Ready? The Fab Five visit Dog the Bounty Hunter’s show, and they give Dog and his whole crew a makeover.

–Construction site, 26th & 6th

Overheard by: Big Perm

Black aesthetician, discussing Flavor of Love: I know that show’s gonna set my people back 50 years, but I just gotta watch it.

–Staff room, NYC Day Spa, 57th between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: massage therapist lurking nearby

Jock: Last night we were so wasted we got naked and mounted the ram….and then watched Fraggle Rock.

–Rose Hill Cafeteria, Fordham

College student: Watching Dawson’s Creek is like studying for the SATs.

–St. John’s University

Nerdy teen: Oh my God, a refrigerator with a television in it. My life’s dream has just been realized.

–Best Buy, 23rd & 6th

Overheard by: nicolette

Amateur media scholar: It’s not called Lost because they’re lost. It’s called Lost because the audience can’t follow it.

–R train

20-Something guy to his date: But if you don’t have a television, how do you watch porn?

–Koi, 40th & 6th

Overheard by: UniqueNY

Posted on April 18, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Porn, Race, School and studying, Stupidity, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

A Woman's Right to Wednesday One-Liners

Angry black woman: Why these motherfuckers always wearing "right for life" buttons, philosophizing and shit?

–Dallas BBQ, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike H

Student: Aborting your baby is so boring now. Everyone does it.

–Bard High School Early College

Drunk loud teenage Latina: Ladies and gentlemen, I am a minority and I have never had an abortion!

–N Train

Overheard by: g-lime

Man on cell: Oh… Oh shit… Well, can't you just take a wire hanger and pull it out? Yeah, just stick the hanger in and pull it right out! Okay? Okay. Bye.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: marge

Fabulous gay guy: So, my coworkers at Olive Garden all wanted to go out for a picnic one day. Our one friend had to work though, so we told her to tell our boss she needed to go get an abortion and she actually did it!

–Life Cafe, Avenue B & 10th St

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Posted on April 18, 2015
Abortion, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Drunks, Insults, Latinos, Lies, Lower East Side, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Philosophy, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island Ferry, Students, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

Back Off, Man. I’m a Wednesday One-Linerist

Teacher: I mean, with all the salt I eat, my blood pressure should be equal to Avogadro’s number over Planck’s constant! But it’s not…

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Middle-school Latina to posse of Asian males: Asian girls aren’t smaller — they have six muscles in their vagina, and white girls have four, and black girls have two. That’s because black guys have the biggest penises, so the women have fewer muscles. And Asian men have the smallest, so the women have six muscles so it feels tighter… It’s true. I learned it in biology.

–Brooklyn-bound N train

Overheard by: Shannon

Conductor: This is the train to Huntington. This is the train going to Huntington! If you didn’t hear your stop before, this is not the train you’re supposed to get on! Come on, people — this is not quantum physics, people! If your stop is not called, this is not your train!

–LIRR, Huntington Branch, Jamaica stop

Overheard by: Jenn

Skanky mom: Just not too much science stuff, okay?

–In line, Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Dork

Posted on April 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Science, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not the Freshmaker

Bimbette: I don't think I've ever been that grossed out during the day. It all started when that woman smelled like pee…

–6 Train

Overheard by: j

Female suit: We were above an Indian restaurant and he was banging me from behind. I could smell the curry, and while he was banging me I was gagging.

–NJ Transit

Chick: You smell like vag and pizza.

–Borders

Girl to friend, after bending head down into her: Damn my puss stank.

–E Train

Overheard by: Nicole

College guy (screaming at friend): Dude! How are you even in college?! You smell like Oust! You smell like Tropical Glade!

–1 Train

Concerned hipster: I know you just orgasmed, but what's that smell?

–E 9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Peanut

Posted on April 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Backdoor, Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Ethnic Food, Ew, Jersey, Frat Boys, Friends, Girls, Hipsters, On the Subway, Orgasm, Pee, Pizza, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Store, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-liners for Special Events

Guy on cell: Get the hell out of here! I just can’t believe that someone would go to a baptism just to start a fight.

–65th & 1st

Woman walking alone in a wedding dress and veil, on cell: Yeah, I got kicked out.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: yum

Posted on April 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Celebrations/Parties, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liner Cheney

NYU frat boy to another: Remember that time you popped that zit on my dick?!

–Waverly Place & Broadway

Overheard by: lezbotron

Older suit to younger suit: If you want people to move out of your way you just gotta say shit like: pussy, dick, cunt! (people move out of the way) See?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Brad

Thug to another, exiting a deli: The Salvation Army can suck my dick.

–Stanton & Ludlow

Overheard by: CN

Girl wearing hijab: That depends on whose dick it is!

–Hunter College, 68th & Lexington

Overheard by: off white

Posted on April 16, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Delis, Frat Boys, Girls, Hunter, Insults, Lower East Side, One-liners, Penis, Physical appearance, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Street, Suits, The Village, Thugs, Upper East Side, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

NYU JAP on phone to mother (enraged): Ugh, mom! No! Wearing seasonally inappropriate outerwear will not make me sweat and lose weight!

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Maeve

Woman in line with friend at Duane Reade, reading can of energy drink: Wait. There's carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when people go on, like, a low carb diet, they don't eat any bread, right? But I still don't understand why there's bread in here. Whatever. It doesn't even taste like bread.

–Duane Reade

10-year-old kid to friend: So you're a year older than me, but you're 20 pounds lighter? That's fucked up.

–Christopher St & Waverly Place

Overheard by: sharknife

Girl: You know how some people are social drinkers? I'm a social eater.

–NYU

Overheard by: ninja z

Asian fashionista: Yeah, I think I'm like a size 12 in boys.

–Conde Nast Building

Overheard by: jackattack

Loud guy on cell: Actually, I can't be bulimic anymore because I have no gag reflex. I've been sucking too much cock.

–34th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Alis

Posted on April 15, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, BJs, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Duane Reade, Family Ties, Fashion, Fashionistas, Food, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, JAPs, Kids, Moms, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Students, Stupidity, Sweat, The Village, Times Square, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners for Chandler Bing’s Dad

Dude: Is it true the city is outlawing fat trannies?

–14th & 9th

Girl on cell: … But the conversation is getting so good! I’m announcing my attraction to trannies, and you’re talking about the S-and-M relationship of our friends!

–Harlem

Overheard by: Poogins

Crazy drunk man to 11-year-olds: Suck my dick, bitch! And my pussy!

–F train

Tranny to Jehovah’s Witnesses: You don’t know nothing about God. I ain’t got no testicles. You can’t tell me about God.

–149th & St. Nicholas

Overheard by: KcB

Chubby guy: I don’t hang with women with tits smaller than mine.

–Sidewalk cafe, Greenpoint

Overheard by: Big Larry

Butch woman on cell: So, Jennifer — you know, my ex-wife’s boyfriend…

–Payless Shoe Source, 34th St