Saccharine Might Be Better for Her

Woman in leggings: What the fuck is this shit? You gonna hand me three motherfucking sugar packets? Do you have any idea how big this coffee is?
Cashier: We don’t put sugar in your coffee. Sugar packets are on the counter.
Woman in leggings: Listen, my boyfriend’s a cop. And he owns, like, three Dunkin’ Donuts franchises. What do you mean you won’t put sugar in my fuckin’ coffee? I want to speak to the manager.
Manager: Excuse me, but I heard you. There are sugar packets on the counter. Take as many as you like.
Woman in leggings: You guys are total assholes.

–Dunkin’ Donuts, 96th & Broadway

Overheard by: ProcrastYNate

Posted on July 17, 2015
Anger Management, Biotechs, Business and Commerce, Cashiers, Coffee, Cops, Fashion, Food, People, Places, Restaurants & Cafes, Topics, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Venues, Women

Exciting New Ways to Relate

Gangsta #1: I’m telling you man, you don’t have to slap the bitch, you just got to spit on her couple times a week.
Gangsta #2: Yeah?
Gangsta #1: Yeah, you don’t wanna leave no bruises cause her moms will fuck you up, but if you spit on her a couple times, she’ll quit willyin’.

–D train

Overheard by: Tim C

Posted on July 17, 2015
Anger Management, Gangstas, On the Subway, Relationships, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Violence

Marilyn Munster Explained

Man: But I’m just not attracted to you. You’re like a sister to me.
Woman: But I’m not your sister. And besides, you know, me and my sister fooled around when we were little.
Man: Hmmm, let’s see. After this we could go get a drink, or I could go home and think about how much I’m not attracted to you…
Woman: I mean think about it…Hypothetical incest. Predetermined lust, undeformed children.

–Al di La, Park Slope

Posted on July 11, 2015
Anger Management, Brooklyn, Dating, Fashion, Friendship, Kink, Park Slope, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity

Welcome to George Bush’s America

Chick: Hi, how much are these?
Vendor hippie: Ten, or two for 18.
Chick: Oh.
Vendor hippie: Yea, on Macdougal they sell them cheaper, but they’re made by Chinese kids who make one-fifty an hour. Capitalist bastards.
Chick: Oh. Are you going to be here tomorrow?
Vendor hippie: Well, tomorrow it’s going to rain, and then for the next fifteen days the government is paying me to take ecstasy and play on the computer while they observe me.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Emily Leonard

Posted on July 11, 2015
Anger Management, Asians, Manhattan, Stupidity, The Village, Vendors & Street Performers

Ew, Who Wednesday One-Linered?

Elderly janitor, watching pierced teenagers get in line: I'm gonna fart on one of these people.

–Broadway & Houston

Angry man on cell: They think they're so perfect, but I bet they piss and burp and fart like the rest of us.

–80th St & 34th Ave

Hobo: Can you spare some change? I need to buy some new underwear, I farted and shat in these.

–83rd St & Broadway

Overheard by: new girl in town

Tiny brunette: Have you ever had to pee so bad, and suddenly you fart and then you don't have to pee that badly anymore?

–7 Train

Young woman to friend: Yeah, and then she started fartin' a bunch. But she was farting out of her pussy. And Ashley got pissed, cause then, she started makin' a beat out of it.

–125th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Stephen

Posted on June 28, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Cleanliness, Clerks, Clothing, Farting & Burping, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Pee, Physical appearance, Poop, Queens, Questions, Teens, The Village, Threats, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

…Being Totally Confused About “Scratch 'n Sniff”

Suit #1: So I don't get it: if he got her a card, why is she mad.
Suit #2: (muffled reply)
Suit #1: He did what?
Suit #2: She was getting ready to go out and he lodged the card in the crack of her ass…

–Pen Station

Posted on June 25, 2015
Anger Management, Ass, Penn Station, Questions, Suits, Weirdness

Omg, Like W.O.L.s, Lolcatz!

Girl to another, loudly: Oh my god! Where the fuck were you this morning? I was about to text you, but I realized you couldn't text. And I couldn't text either! And you wouldn't pick up your phone! And I needed to talk to you! But I couldn't reach you! So I just like fucking sat there and screamed for ten minutes!

–B9 Bus

20-something male to friend: I am so MIA right now. I am MIA. Like, I text you, but I am MIA. Like, so many people send texts to me, and I'm just MIA.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: dallas

Girl leaving movie: Well, I'm sure she'll send out a mass text the second she has her baby.

–AMC Theater 19th & Broadway

Overheard by: Julie

20-something to another: Tiffany, I know I left Jason at the altar…but why didn't he text me back?

–1849 Bar, MacDougal & Bleecker

Laughing hobo to another: That is the funniest joke I've ever heard! You have to text that to me!

–St. Mark's Church, 2nd Ave & 9th St

Overheard by: cody

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Babies, Bars & Clubs, Breaking Up, Cell Phone, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friends, Girls, Hobos, Insults, Laughter, Marriage, Movie Theaters, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Tough Love From His Straight Guy Support Group Sponsor

Latino guy on cell: Oh, she’s “tearing your heart out”? You’re a fucking faggot.

–Metropolitan & Union

Overheard by: Outmacked

Posted on June 20, 2015
Anger Management, Assholes, Brooklyn, Fighting and ass kicking, Insults, Latinos, On Cell

Or a Homeless Vending Machine

Hobo: Can you spare some change?…Hey, could I have another one?
Man #1: What? Another dollar? I already gave you one; fuck you!
Man #2: Now that’s what I call an ungrateful motherfucker.

–6 train

Overheard by: Rita E.

Posted on June 15, 2015
Anger Management, Etiquette, Hobos, Money & Class, On the Subway

Nigligence Indeed

Black female customer: “Forget it, girl you must be suffering from NIGligence”

– At Au Bon Pain on 37th & 5th, when she just missed the 4-6pm half price baked goods by one minute, and the black female who worked behind the register would not let her buy them for half price

Posted on June 12, 2015
Anger Management, Black People, Etiquette, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Race, Shopping, Store, Women

Anger Management