Drunks

Wednesday One-Liners Use the Safety Net

Teen girl on cell: What?! His name was "food stamps?"

–Outside W 4th St Train Station

Woman waiting in line for a free iced coffee at Dunkin' Donuts: Daaaayum… It's crowded in here, like at the welfare office!

–Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: Matt

Thug (seeing the line for Dark Knight: Yo, this is longer than the welfare line!

–42nd St AMC Theaters

Overheard by: Angel

Drunk hobo in seriously bright yellow jump suit: Will you marry me? I got food stamps.

–Broadway, Astoria

Guy on cell: What? Yeahhh, her momma's been on welfare so long her food stamps bounced.

–3rd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: nycpuhlease

20-year-old girl on cell: Yeah, I got the dress, it was like $100. I tried on matching pumas and I'm gonna go back to get those tomorrow. Hold on, I have another call.
(pause) Hello? Let me call you back, I'm on my way to pick up my welfare check.

–M2 Bus

Hershey's Wednesday One-Liners

Drunken guy to stoned guy: I would kiss you, but you might remember.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lo

Girl: And so he's like, "I kissed you on the mouth last night", and I'm like "oh really? I didn't know."

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: jaytro

Dude on cell: Yeah, bro, leave it to me. I decide to cheat on my wife and I end with some stupid whore who wants to play kissie-face in a fucking Newark parking lot.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Cute girl approaches frat boy at bar: I was going to pretend I don't know you, but I do know you, and now I think I want to kiss you. Is that okay?

–Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights

Latina girl on cell: Well, my cousin died two years ago, right, and on the one-year anniversary that's when I kissed him.

–Outside Victoria Fashions, 116th & 3rd

Overheard by: Chuckles

Older German woman with accent: So when she was little she used to take a bunch of sleeping pills and lay on the floor, and she wouldn't get up until someone kissed her! It was so cute!

–1 Train

Overheard by: EthanK

She Usually Keeps a Blonde Around to Make Herself Look Smarter

Drunk redhead: What's your name again?
Not-so-drunk brunette: It's Autumn.
Drunk redhead: You mean like the month?

–41st St

I'm About Twelve and a Half Hours Gay

Coked-out girl: Your friend is hot. Is she gay?
Drunk girl: I don't know. Are you gay?
Coked-out girl: I like the way Shakira puts it. (singing) “Whenever, wherever, we're meant to be together.”
(later on)
Coked-out girl: Are you as straight as the day is long?
Drunk girl: Um, it depends…how long is the day?
Coked-out girl: Fourteen hours.

–Sophie's, 5th & Ave A

Overheard by: amazed

New Jersey, Maybe

Drunk suit #1: My dick is so big my girlfriend sucks it everyday.
Drunk suit #2: Your girlfriend lives in Canada! Your dick isn't that big.

–Daisy's Diner, Park Slope

Overheard by: peej

Little People–Big Wednesday One-Liners

Greasy guy on cell: Yeah, there was this whole big to-do. They had all these little midgets running around–it was a whole Willy Wonka thing going on.

–42nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Aren't They Called Little People?

Midget on mobile: Man, you don't know how tough it is, these little women are tough, they know what they want… Yeah, yeah… The are like tigers, they'll eat you up!

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: JT

Flyer guy: Comedy show, folks–we got midgets!

–Herald Square

Overheard by: BeccaGo

Guy: High-five if you like midgets and drugs!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: Shannon

Suit on cell: Yeah, yeah, we're gonna do it big for my birthday. No I'm thinking more like midget strippers…eh, I haven't decided what I want it to be. (pause) Oh yeah, sorry, not "it," "him" or "her." No, I think dwarfs have magical powers, that's the deal. Not racist, dwarfist maybe.

–Chinatown Bus

Overheard by: Evan

Drunk guy with group of friends: I'm sorry I hit you, I thought I was Irish and you were four feet tall.

–41st & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Glad I'm not short

I'd Be All, “It's Not Delivery, It's Diana!”

Hungover girl to friend: I can't eat this pizza, it tastes like vagina.
Friend: I wish my vagina tasted like pizza.

–Artichoke Pizza, 14th St

Overheard by: Shelli Silverstein

This Just In: Hobo Makes Sense. Film at 11

Drunk hobo: Can I tell you one thing before I die? Babe Ruth was the best there ever was… But I never saw him, and neither did you! Do you know why?
Blonde girl: No…why?
Drunk hobo: Because you weren't alive…and neither was I. (takes out flute and plays Take Me Out to the Ball Game)

–E Train

Have I Told This One Before?

Old drunk hobo to friends: Let me tell you guys a story. Back when I was breaking in to fucking cars this broad comes at me and takes me to this commune. Gotta be at least 50 hippies, everyone's fucking everyone, always blazed, I'm fucking everything that moves because I'm 18 and my dick is hard all the time, and all the women are walking around all fucking…
All friends together: Naked!

–4th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: rpk

I Gotta Tell You, That Trash Can's Looking Pretty Good

Drunk chick: Apparently there are lots of guys here tonight who have slept with me that want to sleep with me again, and also a few here that have not slept with me that want to!
Friend: Really?
Drunk chick: Yeah! And it's a good thing I've changed, because if I hadn't, I'd be fucking everything in sight right now.

–Bathroom, Beer Garden in Astoria

Overheard by: ALi

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