Tour De Wednesday One-Liners

Large female southern tourist: It'd be really funny if we got stuck on the toilet and couldn't get up. It'd be the whole "help! Get me off this toilet!" thing.

–Bathroom, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Tourist woman to husband: Where's that cop who was here a minute ago? He gave me the wrong directions, and I wanna cuss him out for it!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Deeds

Tourist: Is this the building where people go all crazy about the numbers?

–Outside New York Stock Exchange

Overheard by: Kyle

50-something tourist husband to wife, while they share bites of same apple: I don't know why we came to this city… We can't even afford breakfast.

–34th & 7th

Posted on July 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Business and Commerce, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cops, Couples, Directions, Fat People, Food, Insults, Money & Class, One-liners, Penn Station, Questions, Southerners, Stupidity, The Met, Tourism, Tourists, Travel, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

It Has a Disproportionate Influence on Other Smells

Girl: Can you press 8, please?

The guy does so. The doors open to let him off on the 3rd floor, and the scent of hannukah latkes fills the elevator.

Girl: Smells like Judaism here.

–Elevator, Columbus between 95th & 96th

Overheard by: Jayson Littman

Posted on July 23, 2015
Elevators, Ethnic Food, Food, Holidays, Judaism, Manhattan, Places, Religion, Scents of the City, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Venues

Don’t Go Past the Sale

Old Man: They have salads here. Next time we should just come early and eat here.
Old Lady: Okay, we could try that next time.
Old Man: They have Caesar salads, and cobb salads, and pasta salads–
Old Lady: That sounds good. We’ll try it next time.
Old Man: –they have California salads, and tuna salads, and–
Old Lady: Okay, Harvey! We’ll eat here next time!
Old Man: …they have sandwiches, too.

–Avery Fischer Hall

Overheard by: Heather

Posted on July 22, 2015
Food, Manhattan, Old People, People, Places, Restaurants & Cafes, Theater & Dance, Topics, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

I Also Learned to Like Other Things

Guy #1: Did you know that I never liked broccoli until I went to jail?
Guy #2: Is it your favorite meal?
Guy #1: Of course!

–Porto-bello, Thompson Street

Posted on July 21, 2015
Food, Guys, Prison, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village

Or Cornish Game Hen, When We Feel Like Slummin' It

Mom #1, noting a pigeon: Cute bird!
Boy: Hm. Birds.
Mom #2: We, for instance, eat birds. What kind of birds do we eat?
Boy: Quail!

–5th Ave, Park Slope

Posted on July 21, 2015
Birds, Food, Kids, Moms, Parents, Park Slope

Like, to Afghanistan?

Coworker #1: Hey, Times Square just got evacuated because of a bomb threat.
Coworker #2: Damn, I guess I have to head east for lunch.

–42nd St & Madison Ave

Posted on July 20, 2015
Coworkers, Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Terrorism, Threats

Caffeine: Mortgaging Your Physiological Future

Old lady #1: So I think maybe that’s the problem with New Yorkers.
Old lady #2: No decaf?
Old lady #1: Yep, no decaf. That’s the problem.

–Starbucks, 102nd & Broadway

Posted on July 20, 2015
Coffee, Food, Manhattan, Old People, People, Places, Restaurants & Cafes, Starbucks, Topics, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Venues

Wal-Mart, Probably

Girl #1: What happened to you?
Girl #2: Some fucking tourist walked into me and spilled her Hot Pocket on me…where the fuck did a tourist get a Hot Pocket?

–6 train

Posted on July 19, 2015
Food, Friends, On the Subway

Wednesday One-Liners Watch Cribs

Creepster: I’ve always thought babies make the best pets.

–Bronx Zoo

Woman on cell: What the hell is this? E’ry bitch in here got somebody else baby! Black ladies got white babies. White ladies got Chinese babies. Is this Take-somebody-else-baby-to-the-park Day? Shit, I wish somebody woulda took mines!

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Manhattman

Hipster chick, looking at over-sized purse: Oh, I like this bag! You could fit a baby in here! [Lady nearby stares.] Y’know, not that I’d ever put a baby… in a bag… Sheesh.

–Urban Outfitters, 2nd Ave

Lady on cell: I know it’s reasonable to worry about things. but I just think it’s sort of strange that you worry about a shark jumping up and snatching your baby while you’re driving over a bridge! [Long pause] Well, did you ever think of rolling up the windows?

–Union Square

Blonde on cell: So, my friend took me to this vegan barbecue this weekend. Fucking bullshit. I had to go home and eat a baby just to feel normal again.

–59th & 5th

Posted on July 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Cars and Driving, Food, Race, Vegetarian & Vegan, We Love Our Pets, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

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