Black guy #1: Nigga, fuck you! I'm straight.
Black guy #2: Nigga…you're straight gay.
–Roosevelt Ave Station
Overheard by: just straight
Black guy #1: Nigga, fuck you! I'm straight.
Black guy #2: Nigga…you're straight gay.
–Roosevelt Ave Station
Overheard by: just straight
Drunken guy to stoned guy: I would kiss you, but you might remember.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Lo
Girl: And so he's like, "I kissed you on the mouth last night", and I'm like "oh really? I didn't know."
–Prospect Park
Overheard by: jaytro
Dude on cell: Yeah, bro, leave it to me. I decide to cheat on my wife and I end with some stupid whore who wants to play kissie-face in a fucking Newark parking lot.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: AdHoculi
Cute girl approaches frat boy at bar: I was going to pretend I don't know you, but I do know you, and now I think I want to kiss you. Is that okay?
–Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights
Latina girl on cell: Well, my cousin died two years ago, right, and on the one-year anniversary that's when I kissed him.
–Outside Victoria Fashions, 116th & 3rd
Overheard by: Chuckles
Older German woman with accent: So when she was little she used to take a bunch of sleeping pills and lay on the floor, and she wouldn't get up until someone kissed her! It was so cute!
–1 Train
Overheard by: EthanK
Older woman, enunciating precisely: I could never understand wanting to have a penis. I know *I* never wanted one.
–Hudson St
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Chick: Don't you feel better knowing your cock is better than fermented squid guts?
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Guy to friend: And then it just popped out of the bag–you know, kind of like a penis pops out!
–Dunkin Donuts
Blond: But baby, the only thing that rhymes with penis is "mm mm good"!
–Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: what rhymes with vajay?
Little boy: (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis! (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis!
–Downtown N Train
Brunette NYU student: You know when like people in junior high ask you what you'd do if you had a penis for a day? I'd always say "piss in a soap dispenser."
–W 3rd b/w 6th & MacDougal
Overheard by: Alan
Loud black girl on train #1: Why ain't we goin' to the tattoo place on West 4th Street?
Loud black girl on train #2: Nah, we can't got there, Christine's homophobic. She can't go there.
–A Train
Coked-out girl: Your friend is hot. Is she gay?
Drunk girl: I don't know. Are you gay?
Coked-out girl: I like the way Shakira puts it. (singing) “Whenever, wherever, we're meant to be together.”
(later on)
Coked-out girl: Are you as straight as the day is long?
Drunk girl: Um, it depends…how long is the day?
Coked-out girl: Fourteen hours.
–Sophie's, 5th & Ave A
Overheard by: amazed
Angry Spanish boyfriend: You know why I'm talking to you like this! Because your boss was sitting there and you probably had no damn clothes on!
–Broad Channel Subway Station
Girl to friend: Yeah, I can't wait until we take off our clothes and do our make up!
–116th & 3rd
(20-something couple is walking down the street with arms around each other)
Woman: So were you self-conscious when you took off your clothes in front of the children?
–28th & 5th
White guy answering cell: Negrooooo… I'm on the Long Island Railroad being completely homosexual… You missed it, completely naked…
–LIRR
Overheard by: Xavier
Five-year-old girl, before performance begins: Are they going to take *all* their clothes off?
—Hair, Delacorte Theater
Girl to friend: God! I remember when my brother ran into my room naked screaming that he had two buttholes.
–Subway, 14th & 1st
Overweight middle age white guy to friend: I know, I get it, you like to sit naked in the mud while some guy serenades you on his guitar singing about things I don't believe and can't understand. That's your thing. I prefer hockey.
–89th & 4th, Brooklyn
Crazy #1: Oh, they were showing Psycho last night!
Crazy #2 (sucking teeth): I've seen that too many times. Even though I love the ending when he comes out in his mom's clothing. God, I love the gays! Oh, wait…he's psycho.
–L Train
Overheard by: Momma B
Girl: You always thought my mom was hot while we were going out. You'd be all “Oh my god, your mom is totally hot. I'd hit that.”
Guy: Well, she is!
Girl: I know that! But you can't want to fuck my mom and get all pissed when I want to fuck your sister!
–78th & Amsterdam
Woman #1: He has been acting more and more gay lately.
Woman #2: Well, he does work in fashion PR.
Woman #1: I love it. It just makes me want to hug him more.
Woman #2: It actually makes me want to hug him less.
–F Train
Large black lesbian to friends going into a sex shop: I don't wanna see no dildos unless I'm being fucked!
–Greenwich Village
Overheard by: J.D.
Mormon girl, loudly agreeing with friend: Yeah, I know, I know! I didn't even know what a dildo was until I got here! Like, freshman year!
–Outside Lerner Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: But what about a vibrator?
Loudest black girl in group of loud black teens: What I recommend, to every fuckin' nigga, is the vibratin' cock ring.
–14th St, Outside Urban Outfitters
Overheard by: Now curious about cockrings
Loud tourist girl: But Susan's butt-plug was only $75.
–Orchard & Rivington
Overheard by: MattyB
Man with thick Brooklyn accent on cell: I got the thing…yes the fuckin thing for the thing…yes, but I'm tellin' you the fuckin thing is definitely not big enough for her.
–31st St & 7th Ave
30-something woman to friend: So, between the time I got back from the meeting and the time you called me, I used my vibrator three times. (pauses and realizes everyone on the train is listening) Oh. Did I say that really loudly?
–D Train
