Guy #1: Dude, don't look behind you.
Guy #2 (looking): Oh great, it's a giant stack of Scene It?, the DVD movie game. I was wondering why I felt like burning this place to the ground.
Guy #2: Fuck that game.
–Borders, Colubus Circle
Guy #1: Dude, don't look behind you.
Guy #2 (looking): Oh great, it's a giant stack of Scene It?, the DVD movie game. I was wondering why I felt like burning this place to the ground.
Guy #2: Fuck that game.
–Borders, Colubus Circle
Toddler at bus stop, throwing a fit: No! I don't want to get on the bus!
Bus driver: Come on! The bus is a fun place!
Nearby passenger: Yeah, I love the bus! Why don't you join us?
Boy's mother: Get your ass on the fucking bus.
–Q44
(teenage girl goes to stand next to her friend in line for the bathroom)
Crazy hobo: Bitch, get to the back of the line! I gotta take a shit!
Teenage girl: Oh, I'm not in line, I'm just talking to my friend.
Crazy hobo: If you don't get outta line, I will take a shit on your chest. Do you want me to take a shit on your chest? Cause I will! (to teenage girl's friend) Oooh girl, you pretty. Why you hang out with cunts like these?
–Starbucks, 6th & Christopher
Black lady #1: A rash, I got a rash! On my thing–my thing was little, they done made it big! And that shit is traveling, I don't know what the fuck I gonna do.
Black lady #2 (watching soap opera on tv): Expelled?
Black lady #1: What the fuck is that?
Black lady #2: He's expelled, that means he can't come to school no more.
–Waiting Room, North General Hospital
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die.
–College of Staten Island
Overheard by: Nameless
Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems.
–3rd Ave & 40th
Overheard by: Liz
Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty.
–Wendy's, Union Square
Overheard by: I was starving and bought less
14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.
–18th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Will
Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together!
–49th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: agree to agree
20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair.
–Canal & Mott
Snooty middle-aged woman to gaggle of friends: I don't care about the rest of the city, I only care about my street.
–NoHo
Overheard by: me too
Middle-aged white guy to receptionist: I am glad to be out of the old neighborhood, though. Not that I am prejudiced, but the Hassidim, I just don't like them!
–Dentist Office, Carroll Gardens
Suit: I mean, he lives on 86th Street. That's just generic land!
–L Train
Girl (loudly to friends): No, that's Bushwick. We don't want to get off there! It's really shi… (glances around nervously at people who are now looking at her) I had…a shitty… experience in Bushwick.
–L Train
Overheard by: Rebecca
Hipster guy: And look out, cuz Williamsburg's still hood, dude!
–23rd St & 8th St
Overheard by: alex
Chunky lady to skinny friend who ordered a Diet Coke: Bitch, I will slap the shit out of you with this pizza…I'll eat it, too. I don't even care.
–14th St b/w 3rd & 4th Ave
Wasted guy, placing order: A slice of pizza on the rocks.
–1st Ave & 20th St
Overweight Paris Hilton wannabe, loudly on cell: No, the food wasn't like, out of this world, like what I'm used to. No…not really. I'd say more like a touch of Greece–with maybe Turkish or Egyptian. I mean, it's almost impossible to find a good slice of pizza in the city nowadays.
–Crowded LIRR Train
Overheard by: CV
little girl to parents: I like mine with salt, pepper and bone.
–La Rocca's Pizzaria, Staten Island
Overheard by: Dawn D.
Female suit to friends: Oh no, I can't. I save my pizza binge-eating for when I'm drunk.
–Ave of the Americas
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Tourist: Oooh, there's a really good pizza place down here somewhere, Sbarro.
–Basement, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: pop pop
Six-year-old to friends: We should have an Obama pizza party!
–Park Slope
Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your ass in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of fucking bullshit at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being… Yes, it's you! Goddammit, get in the fucking train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell ass in or get the fuck out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Train Wreck
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.
–R Train
Overheard by: Mezz
Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.
–B Train
Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off… (makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!
–Metro-North Train
Overheard by: Amused passenger
Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.
–4 Train
Overheard by: Luke Skywalker
Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.
–G Train
Overheard by: El David
Conductor, after train stops: Ladies and gentlemen, there is train traffic up ahead. We'll start moving as soon… (train starts moving) Oh, well, I guess that's cleared up. Weee!
–Downtown A Train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Four-year old boy #1: Hey, try to catch me!
Four-year old boy #2: Shut the fuck up, motherfucker!
–Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: Natalie
Headline by: poop
Runners-Up:
· “And Thus the Tupac/Biggie Battle Humbly Began” – RBNY
· “I Guess This Is What Bill Cosby Meant…” – cmtWHATUP
· “Richard Pryor Reincarnated” – Casual Observer
· “That Seseme Street/South Park Merger Was Bound to Have Consequences” – Cartman wins again
· “The Argument Against Grand Theft Auto As a Stocking Stuffer” – space coyote
· “The Rules Of Tag Have Changed Over Time.” – Oh, this younger generation…
Grandpa: Do we really have to take them to the fucking zoo?
Grandma (holding a pamphlet about the zoo): Look, this is the stupid shit that they're into, so this is where we gotta go.
Grandpa (pointing to a picture in the pamphlet): What the fuck is that? A chipmunk?
Grandma: It's a fucking rabbit!
–St. Mark's Place, Staten Island
