Insults

Wednesday One-Linered…With Children

Old Jewish woman to very nervous Asian 25-year-old bride to be: Honey, I've been married 53 years. The secret to a great marriage? Give him lots of sex. Lots of good sex.

–Dumbo, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tanya

Man on cell: I told her I would convert. We could go to Vegas and get married next week, no problem.

–64th & Amsterdam

Woman on phone: My ex-boyfriend was 24 and he was able to support me, and you're 35 on an engineer's salary and you can't do the same. Do you know how many guys are begging to marry me, and can give me a dowry? So fuck you!

–Target Store, Brooklyn

Hispanic woman on phone: So where are you now? You already married him? Oh, okay. See you later.

–28th & Park Avenue South

Overheard by: Alie

Five-year-old boy to teacher about five-year-old girl next to him: We're going to get married. (to five-year-old girl) What's your name again?

–61st & Amsterdam

You Vary Depending Upon the Light, Like Sarah Jessica Parker

Guy: Hey, you look pretty…
Girl: Fuck off!
Guy: Don't interrupt…pretty ugly.

–C Train

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Understand the Caucus System

Bleach-blonde: I would totally vote for McCain if Miley Cyrus were his running mate.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Democrat

Woman: Oh, I am definitely a single-issue voter. And right now, that issue is: Which one of the candidates can get me to a bathroom soonest?

–7th Avenue, Park Slope

Overheard by: Chuckell

Drunk hobo to a group of pigeons: And they’re all Democrats. Can’t trust them Democrats.

–Washington Square Park

Young African American woman speaking animatedly on cell: … Vice president? Why should I run for Vice President, I’m doing better than you, bitch! "Dream ticket!" That’s why I hate white liberals. They don’t know when they’re fucked up. Republicans don’t give a shit about you, but they know it.

–124th St, Harlem

Drunk wheelbo, shouting across the entire ferry terminal: Hillary, Hillary, she’s our man! If she can’t do it, no one can!

–Whitehall Ferry Terminal

Lady on cell: When you done turn Governor, you can’t play dat shit…

–Associated Supermarket, Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: PdQ

So She Came Back to New York, Where Everything Runs Like Clockwork

Loud suit: And she thought it wasn't organized enough! It was an orphanage in Tanza-fucking-nia!
Suit's wife, laughing: Where did she think she was, Switzerland?

–5th Ave & 57th St

I’m Thankful for My Family

Little boy: Twain!
Mom: Yeah, yeah, train, Darniel, train. Nobody cares!

–Prospect Heights

Overheard by: Michael Barthel

Mother: Did you do these questions or was this the part you copied from the board in class?…What the fuck was that? Speak in actual words!
Little boy: This part was from the board and this part I did.
Mother: Don’t fucking lie to me. I’m gonna bust you in the mouth. Why didn’t you do your homework?…Did you look at yourself before we left the house? You look like fucking shit!
Little boy: I’m sorry.
Mother: Sorry looking.

–F train

Man on cell: You stupid little bitch!…That’s right I want a better report card next year.

–West 4th Street & 6th Avenue

Overheard by: Scott Hoffman

Teen girl: I’m not allowed to go home this weekend ’cause my father’s having one of his girlfriends over. He told me, “you’re gonna have to sleep somewhere else, because, uh, you know…”

–A train

Little girl: Mommy, what’re we getting?
Mommy: Pshh, I don’t know. You better figure out quick, you’re the one’s gotta eat.

–Fine Fair, Avenue C

Overheard by: Catechist

Boy: Did you get my Christmas list?
Dad: I don’t need your Christmas list.
Boy: I want a PSP. A portable Playstation.
Dad: I’m not gettin’ you video games.
Boy: Then I just want money.
Dad: You want my money, I want you to get good grades. Neither of us get what we want, do we?

–6 train

Overheard by: Chris Mohney

Sorry, You're the First Person of Color I've Ever Encountered

Older man to African American girl): Where are you from? Ghana?
Girl (astonished): Columbus, Ohio!

–Terminal 2, JFK

Overheard by: Generous Supply

Don’t Even Try Getting All Decimally on a Twelve-Month Year

Girl #1: … And his little brother, who was like 0.6 years old…
Girl #2: Wait. 0.6 years?
Girl #1: Yeah, you know, like half a year.
Girl #2: God, you are so idiotic!

–Statue of Liberty

Is That a Red Sox Logo on Your Cardboard Box?

Hobo: Spare any change? Any change?
Man in Mets hat: Sorry.
Hobo: Don’t worry about it. If you’re a Mets fan, you’re worse off than me.

–4th & 6th

And Yet If I Said “Bicycle,” You’d Admire Me

Guy: I wanna get a horse and ride it all the way to L.A.
Girl: That might have been the most retarded sentence ever uttered.

–34th & 8th

Janie Got a Wednesday One-Liner

Voice over employee's walkie-talkie: Okay, I really need those guns. Anyone who has one, I need it down in bridal.

–Bed Bath & Beyond

Obnoxious woman: So I said, "motherfucker, I'm not your sister–I'm your cousin. So I will shoot you."

–Uptown 2 Train

Large black man: If you ain't got no bullets, you gotsta melee!

–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Zach

Wannabe hip-hopper, trying to sell CD: It's clean music, and I ain't never shot no one!

–Union Square

20-something guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it's over ten years old!

–19th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Emily Davidson

Dude, after chatting to policewoman: I just have a thing for women in uniform! My mind says, "no, no, settle down," and my penis says, "but she's got a gun!"

–Hudson & Laight

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