Laughter

The Dishonorable Discharge Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Okay, how do I put this delicately? (pause) Yeah, I don't think I can. Here's the difference between you and me: when I hear that a guy I like is riddled with STDs, I cut off all ties and stop thinking of him as a potential sexual conquest. (pause) Alright, dude, but don't come crying to me when you get your first outbreak.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: tatunit

20-something girl: I swear to god: if I get syphilis, I'm spreading it.

–Penn Station

Girl on cell phone: Yeah, and then the lady asked me to take off my pants because she wanted to do an examination. Well, I freaked because it's like a fucking jungle down there, and I wasn't expecting the exam. It was alright, though, the poster in front of me with disgusting images of vaginas with warts and cysts and stuff gave me comfort that the situation could be a lot more embarrassing.

–NYU Health Center

Girl on cell: I didn't say anything about your sister having herpes!

–Hunter College

Crazy health teacher: Now I am going to speak about sexually transmitted diseases. I know this is a subject which you enjoy. (students laugh) What? It is true. Everyone begins to grow excited when I speak of this subject.

–High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Early in Life, Girls Start Drafting a Long List Of Requirements

Four-year-old blond girl: Can we get whipped cream?
Dad: No, we don't need whipped cream.
Four-year-old blond girl: All you need is whipped cream!
Dad: No, honey, All You Need Is Love.
Four-year-old blond girl: No! All you need is whipped cream! And kitties!
Dad: (laughs)
Four-year-old blond girl: All you need is kitties! All you need is kitties!

–Trader Joe's, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kristin Ostby

But Straightjacket Bridal Gowns Are So Hot This Year

Very loud woman: He don't wanna marry me, I'm crazy!
Woman sitting next: Ha ha… (then quietly) I know.

–Penn Station

What About Penis Juice, Though?

Little girl: Orange juice is good, but oranges are bad. Peanut butter is good, but peanuts are bad. Why?
Friend: Hahahahaha! You said penis.
Little girl: Hahahahahaah! Penis!

–M104 Bus

I See You As More Of a Handball Guy

Grad student: I'm signing up for squash classes. I like squash, even though it's messed up my tennis playing.
Gay coworker: Oh, I approve of all the racket sports. Maybe I should play squash, too, since my wrists are not firm. (laughs)

–NYU Meyer Building

Stop Fighting This Instant or We Will Turn These Wednesday One-Liners Around and Go Home!

British tourist to misbehaving child: Do you want a smacked bottom now or the other thing when we get home?

–Central Park

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Mom to kid playing on shopping cart: You'd better stop that, or you're going to fall and crack your head, and I'm going to laugh, cuz I told you so.

–Grocery Store

Father to four-year-old son: Watch out, these people are trying to kill us.

–36th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: benny

Guy to son who is hesitant about seat in theater: If I had been this choosy with your mom, you wouldn't be here!

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Mother to daughter: I don't want to hear about your hunger pangs right now. Now turn around and look at the sea lions.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: kathcom

You're Not Exactly Sidney Poitier Yourself, Smart Guy.

Drunk girl on cell, passing Hugh Grant: Yeah, I know, right? Oh, wait, there's Hugh Grant.
(Hugh Grant turns around)
Drunk girl to Hugh Grant: Wow, you're a shitty actor!
Brad Garrett, pointing and laughing at Hugh Grant: Hahahahahaha!

–72nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Sarah

Blame New York

Hot law student: But then she was like, “but he's gay?”
Less pretty friend: No way!
Hot law student: I know, so I just laughed and said my boyfriend's defo not gay.
Man on next table: I don't mean to be rude, but if you're always like this I can see why he would be, I'm thinking of interior decorating as we speak.
Hot law student, whispering to friend: Obviously a closet.

–Tavern on the Green, Central Park

Mr. Trump Is Just Mean

Fat chick to friends: And then he said I reminded him of Rosie O'Donnell! (starts hysterically crying)
Friend #1: How? Like because you're funny?
Fat chick: No! Because I'm fat! (continues crying)
(man walking by bursts out laughing)
Friend #2: It's not funny!
Man walking away: Yes it is!

–7th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Jesse H.

You There in the Back Row — This Means You.

Student, referring to pinus: Wait, does that actually mean “penis”?
Latin teacher: No. But once I made a joke about penises in a paper in college and my teacher wrote, “never do this”.
(class laughs)
Latin teacher: So guys, don't play with your penises!

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: Theseus

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