Wednesday One-Liners Go Directly to My Thighs

Professor, seriously: Were you involved in the jelly bean incident?

–Physics Hallway, Trinity School

Overheard by: Siena

CSR: Stale peeps are excellent! Now, that is one finely-aged peep.

–Hudson & Houston

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Man to friends sitting on bench: You either look at the girl or you look at the ice cream!

–Outside Sundaes & Cones, 10th & 3rd

Overheard by: The Girl Anonymous

Cheerful gift shop clerk on phone: So I got my peanut buttercups and then Anne* saw me on the street and came up to me, and punched me in the face and was all "Give me a peanut buttercup!" and I said "but there are only two in the package and I was saving one for Robert*!" Then she punched me in the face again!

–The Cloisters

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Greek waitress: Ice cream without whipped cream is like… girl without boyfriend!

–Diner, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Posted on July 22, 2009
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Brooklyn, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Fighting and ass kicking, Food, Friends, Hudson River, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Punch, Questions, School, Store, Students, Teachers/Professors, The Met, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

Red Alert! RED ALERT!!

Cashier to woman hurrying towards exit: Hey! What are you doing?
Woman: What? I ain't done nothin'.
Cashier: Where's the bag of beer that was on this counter? You took it.
Woman: No I didn't! I didn't! I don't got no beer!
Cashier: Yes, you do. You have it. Now give it back.
Woman: I don't know what you talkin' about! (runs out the door, holding something under her jacket)
(older male employee walks in)
Man: What was that?
Cashier: She just stole from us, Mike! Follow her!
Man: Nah, calm down. It's not a big deal.
Cashier: She took your beer!
Man: What? (runs after her)

–Hallmark, Park Slope

Overheard by: Concerned

Posted on July 21, 2009
Cashiers, Drinking & Drunk People, Grocery Stores, Men, Park Slope, Questions, Thievery, Weirdness, Women

…But Good One.

Blind man: Alright, man, I'll see ya tomorrow.
Friend: You won't see nothing, you're blind!
Blind man: Shut up!

–23rd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Amanda

Posted on July 20, 2009
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Comebacks, Friends, Handicaps, Men, Stupidity

Annette's Mental Speed Is About the Same As That Of a Post Office Line

Man #1: Excuse me, do you know when this post office closes?
Woman: I don't know.
Man #2: I think it's open all the time. It doesn't close.
Woman: You mean it's open 48 hours?

–Post Office, 32nd & 8th

Overheard by: EthanK

Posted on July 19, 2009
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Men, Post Office, Questions, Strangers, Stupidity, Time, Women

…Vomit It Up, and Then Rent It Out at Outrageous Prices.

Middle aged man #1: Blah blah blah, global warming is bad, blah blah blah.
Middle aged man #2: I'm a landlord. I eat global warming!

–95th St & Columbus Ave

Overheard by: shmilda

Posted on July 19, 2009
Animals & Nature, Food, Men, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Which Expains Anglina Jolie

Man #1, in chaise lounge: Men and women have totally different criteria for attractiveness.
Man #2, also in chaise lounge: How so?
Man #1: A guy can look like a fucking bullfrog in a Beatle wig, but if he's charming and especially if he has money, women will be all over him.
Man #2: Yeah, especially if he has money.
Man #1: But let's say a really hot chick walked past us right now in a thong, and another woman says to us, “watch out for her, she's been in and out of mental institutions.”
Man #2: We'd still want to fuck her.
Man #1: Exactly.
Man #2: Point well taken.

–Douglaston, Queens

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on July 19, 2009
Beauty, Compare/Contrast, Gender issues, Men, Money & Class, Physical appearance, Psychology, Queens, Sex, Wishes & desires

Stephen Hawking: Um…

Man #1: This is it, Times Square!
Man #2: Oh, so is this where time started?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Zack

Posted on July 19, 2009
Men, NYC Geography, Questions, Stupidity, Time, Times Square

Those Flames Are Just a Red Herring

Man #1, watching firemen climb a ladder and enter a brownstone: What are they doing? Why are there so many of them?
Man #2: Maybe somebody got stuck in the bathtub.
Man #1: You're probably right.

–75th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Stephanie

Posted on July 18, 2009
Accidents, Fire, Men, Questions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

…Think That Makes Me Gay?

Awkward tall man: A pigeon hit me in the chest today.
Attractive woman: That's because your chest is where most people's heads are. It was attacking.
Awkward tall man: Yeah, but it just stimulated my nipples a little bit.

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Fatericbana

Posted on July 18, 2009
Accidents, Birds, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Men, Nipples, Weirdness, Women

…Now That You've Warmed It for Me.

Jamaican woman: Just give me the fucking birth certificate and let me go!
Man: No! Did you just come here to fuck up my day?
Jamaican woman: We're on 23rd and 5th! Just give me the fucking birth certificate and my money!
Man: Why are you always trying to fuck me up like this?! I'm not giving you nothing! Leave me alone, I do not have to give you the birth certificate!
Jamaican woman: Fine! You take that birth certificate and put it where the sun don't shine!
(storms off, returns a minute later)
Jamaican woman: Now give me the birth certificate.

–Madison Sqaure Park

Overheard by: Anniemal

Posted on July 16, 2009
Anger Management, Insults, Madison Square Garden, Men, Offers and requests, Parks, Questions, Women