An Infestation of Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on phone: I am being nice, but I'm not going to describe to you in great detail what a bug looks like!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: R&L

Man in zoot suit: When I talk, I don't want you bitches saying nothing! I only wanna hear the cockroaches fornicating on the walls!

–F Train

Overheard by: Reagan

Hipster: It was like watching a praying mantis have a seizure.

–16th & 8th

Wasted girl on sidewalk: No, I am so upset, I am so upset, I lost the back of my phone and there is a bug, a bug!

–11th & Broadway

Old lady: She looks pretty much like a roach.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Posted on January 2, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cell Phone, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Hipsters, Insects, Men, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Staten Island Ferry, The Village, Weirdness, West Village, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday's One-Liners Sell Themselves

Teenage nerd: My boss and my dealer have the same name. One time I called my boss asking for weed, and he was like "hey!" and I was like "yo, lemme cop" and he was like "I think you have the wrong number" and I hung up.

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: joy

Yuppie 30-something in black coat and white scarf: I'm going crazy! I've got his dealer's number programmed into my phone, but I can't remember her name, so if I call, I won't know who to ask for. And you have to know who to ask for, or they'll think you're a cop!

–16th St & 7th Ave

Loud, mildly intoxicated girl at dinner: People who litter are so much worse than drug dealers.

–Brooklyn

Lady on cell: Tourism is the only industry that doesn't depend on drug cartels.

–14th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Diaz

Posted on December 31, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Drugs, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Names, Nerds, On Cell, Parks, Questions, Stupidity, Teens, Tourism, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women, Yuppies

WeDDnesDDay One-liners

Middle-aged man on cell: I’ve never seen so many tits out in the open in my life.

–The Metropolitan Opera, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Noelle

Posted on December 30, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, On Cell, Rack, Theater & Dance, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners

The Wednesday One-Liner Monologues

Drunk hipster: Since when did the vagina become the font of all morality?

–110th & Amsterdam

Girl running in pajamas: Oh my god my vagina is so cold!

–50th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Matt

Girl proclaiming: I saw the vagina.

–NYU

Acting student: You have a vagina and he’s all into that. I have a penis and he’s not all into that. That’s why you have to do this for me.

–Archbold Theater

Overheard by: nice

Crazy black woman: I know my pussy! You don’t know my pussy! Haha! You can’t say you know my pussy, I know my pussy! Haha, hah! If you can’t find my pussy, you can’t say you’re not too big!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Nondescript guy on cell phone: So, were the vaginas ok?

–55th St & 8th

Posted on December 30, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hipsters, Laughter, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Not New York, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penis, Questions, Students, Theater, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Weather, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Have Seen That Seinfeld Episode Too Many Times

Tourist chick: He’s not gay, he’s just neurotic!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Scott

Girl: He’s not gay, he just has a lot of feelings!

–Grand Central

Hipster on cell: Yo, I want to tell you something. I do not want to go down on everyone… Well, I’m not gay, so that cuts it in half right there.

–17th & 8th

Suit to himself: Thanks, but I’m not gay!

–45th & 6th

Overheard by: Alisa

Little boy sitting with haggard-looking mom singing to the tune of Pinky and the Brain song: My penis, my penis is not gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!

–1 train

Overheard by: wondering what network plays reruns of Pinky and the Brain

Posted on December 29, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Hipsters, Kids, On Cell, Sexuality, Suits, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-liners Need an MRI

Man on cell: Hello?…Yeah, I’m at the movies…Yeah, I know…I’m in the fucking theater!…I don’t care if she needs brain surgery, I’m at the movies!

–Loews 19th Street East

Posted on December 28, 2014
Assholes, Cell Phone, Compare/Contrast, Medicine, Men, Movie Theaters, Movies, On Cell

Conjoined, Bearded Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: You know her, red hair, goes to a lot of shows… Her lip is kind of, y'know, stuck to her nose a bit on the one side.

–Union Square

Promoter to older man passing by: Excuse me, sir, you dropped your clitoris.

–St.Mark's Place

Suit: And his head was askew…

–79th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit on cell: The woman's toenails were three inches long.

–The Village

Guy to another: I knew a guy with a tail–an extended tailbone. It was thiiiis (shows) long!

–8th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Rick

50-something New Yorker: He was Barbara Streisand's cousin! And he stretched my urethra. It was great! Well, not at the time. But now it's great!

–Broadway & 59th St

Overheard by: Nikki

Posted on December 27, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Hair, Height, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Private Parts, Street, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Did They or Didn’t They, Wednesday One-liners?

Chick on cell: So I saw Damien last night…Yeah, he tried to sleep with me…No, I told him, “Damien, I’m not going to fuck you in the apartment where you live with your girlfriend slash fiance slash whatever!

–18th between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Nick Braccia

Posted on December 26, 2014
Girls, Infidelity, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Sex

Sarcastic Anal Is the New Blow Job

College girl on cell: I need that like I need a dick in the ass.
Random guy: I can help with that.
Girl, to guy: I was … being metaphysical … metaphorical?
Guy: I’ll take it either way.
Girl: Yeah, sarcastic … what she said [points to phone].
Guy: Well, I was being serious.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Lizzerd

Posted on December 25, 2014
Manhattan, On Cell, Relationships, The Village

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Need No Water, Let the Motherfucker Burn!

Girl on cell: So yeah, I was like, ‘That is a great costume,’ and then it set her hair on fire and I was like, ‘That’s gross.’

–CVS, 42nd & 3rd

Crazy hobo: That’s right! Arrest me! I’ll burn half y’all houses down… And set the other half on fire!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overheard by: Incitatus

Pseudo-intellectual: She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.

–MacDougal Street Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Creepster: Come here… You don’t wanna know what I’m on right now. If you come home with me, I will light you on fire.

–Columbus Ave

Concerned NYU girl to boyfriend about California wildfires: Do you think Cher’s house burned?!

–Water St dorm, NYU

Overheard by: michael

Posted on December 24, 2014
About Celebrities, Accidents, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Compliments, Crazies, Crazy, Creepsters, Default, Fashion, Fire, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Intelligentsia, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Students, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

On Cell