On the Subway

Girl: Do you know if Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will have a Scientology themed wedding?…I wonder what that would be like?
Guy: You probably kneel down on the altar after the vows, suck L. Ron Hubbard’s cock, and then pay him for it.

–L train

Overheard by: Aaron Booth

Brooklyn girl #1: So I was in this restaurant and some guy asks the owner who I am and gets my phone number and calls me. That’s weird.
Brooklyn girl #2: That’s not weird, that’s cute.
Brooklyn girl #1: Yeah, but he was like 30.
Brooklyn girl #2: Ew, that’s weird.

–D train

Overheard by: Jen

Old man: Why do I have to download ringtones when it never rings anyway?

–Worldwide Plaza, 49th & 8th

Overheard by: mark manne

20-something girl: I asked my mom if she’d ever had butt sex before, and, like — whoa — bad idea.
Friend: Yeah, I probably could’ve told you that.
20-something girl: But, I mean, we have a really open family.

–6 train

Conductor: Next stop, Lexington.
Four-year-old girl, cutting him off: Shut up! Shut up!
Mother: Who are you tellin to shut up?
Four-year-old girl: That man! We *know* where we is!
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors.
Four-year-old girl: We know! This ain't the first time we rode a train, sir!

–N Train

Man: Oh, your dog is so cute. Is that a Yorkie?
Woman: Oh, yeah, it is. His name is Lucky. I’ve had him for a looong time.
Crazy man nearby: Lucky… I stabbed a guy named Lucky 20 years ago. Not so lucky.

–1 train

Overheard by: andy

HS Kid: One of my best friends is named Caesar actually…ha ha, actually he hates salad.

–L Train

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

White Muslim Woman: The women who were sitting here were laughing at me because of how I look. I’m a social worker. Some of my clients are OMRDD so I read lips real well. Because I’m Muslim they didn’t like my outfit. They think we don’t care about how we dress. I was actually Krishna before I was Muslim. The Christmas holidays, the spirit is supposed to be giving. My daughter’s Christian still. That’s why I’m laughing. In my house we used to have Kwanzaa, everything. I knew my husband for three years. I taught him English. I was his teacher! I just converted. Reversion, they call it. Then two weeks later we got married. English I taught him and he was teaching me Arabic. We met in a store ’cause they have restrictions about coming up to a woman’s apartment…They don’t think you understand English, but I speak Spanish and Italian. One time this lady said she thought I was disgusting. I told her “You’re disgusting!” in Spanish. I was peeing my pants. I was hysterical.

–D Train

Yuppie: So I said to him, “But I’m a team player” and then he looked at me and said, “Yeah, my dog’s a team player” and ever since then, I’ve been trying to think of a witty comeback but I haven’t.

— 6 Train

Russian Man: Don’t push.
Spanish Lady: This is the subway. What do you expect?
Russian Man: Well, you don’t have to push.
Spanish Lady: Welcome to New York City!
Russan Woman: Yeah, welcome to New York City.
Spanish Lady: You welcoming me? You’re the one with the accent!

–L Train

Old Friend #1: I can’t believe how long it’s been!
Old Friend #2: Me either. What do you do now?
Old Friend #1: Workin’ down at the docks.
Old Friend #2: You ever see old so-and-so?
Old Friend #1: Yeah, I used to see him all the time once in a while.

–F Train