Port Authority

Chick on cell: It attacked me this morning. I attacked it this afternoon.

–113th St

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Six‐year‐old boy on train platform to grown man eyeing him: Stop looking at me or I’m going to beat you up!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Turning away now.

Hipster on cell: Wait…so he hit you with the broom first, right?

–60th & Lex

Overheard by: Easy Does It

Shopper on her cell: If one of these little kids steps on my toes one more time I’m gonna pinch the motherfuckers.

–Ikea in Red Hook

Woman in bathroom: No, there’s no toilet paper. You wanna throw down?

–Port Authority

Hudson News guy: Fuck you, get outta my store! I’m gonna fuck you so hard. I’ll fuck you from brown to black!
Traveling guy: Man, I’ve missed New York.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Girl reading Us Weekly

Drunk jock: She left cuz she said she was hungry. Well, I’ll put that fuckin’ falafel on my dick!

–LaGuardia & W 4th

Overheard by: Not drunk

College guy to no one in particular: She was trying to suck my dick! …so I slapped her with it!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Kate V.

Woman to man: See, I don’t have a dick, I have a pussy, but I told him to suck my dick.

–South Park Slope

Drunk guy outside subway entrance: Racism can go suck a dick! I don’t care who you are, if you’re racist, I. Will. Fight. You.

–Central Park Entrance

Overheard by: HAIR‑y

Woman to another: I never had to dress up my vagina to get a dick. An old man would have had me pinned against a wall in a second.

–Century 21 Store

Girl on cell: Yeah, well, you know what his defense was? (pause) Yeah, he tried to tell the judge he couldn’t have done it because his dick was too huge. (pause) I know! And it gets better! He wanted to make a plaster of Paris mold of his dick to prove it was too big! (pause) Oh, I’m serious. (pause) Yeah, no…I don’t know what he was going to do with the mold of his dick. Maybe he was gonna submit it as Exhibit A or something, and shove it up in her to prove his point.

–Penn Station

Dude #1: I hate these bathrooms ’cause everyone’s showing off their dicks.
Dude #2: No, they got guys trying to look over to see.

–Port Authority

The Wasteland Of Wednesday One‐Liners

Guy to security guard: We’re not fucking tourists, man, we’re just trying to get back to our home in Jersey.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Metrosexual guy: There are two kinds of people I will never, ever, date. One are people who are culturally ignorant. The second is people from New Jersey.

–45th & 5th

Overheard by: Mr. Pink

Proper British woman to loud drunk guy: Go back to Jersey!

–BB King Concert, Christ United Church

Overheard by: bb

Uptight 40‐something white guy: I can’t wait to get safely back in New Jersey!

–A Train

Overheard by: JoshBob

Bus driver has huge sign pinned to his sleeve clearly reading, “Yes, I stop at Willowbrook Mall and 23 Park/Ride.”

Woman boarding bus: Do you stop at Willowbrook Mall?

–Port Authority

Grad student: It’s like Hogwarts. Witches go to Hogwarts. They don’t go to Harvard Witch Management.

–Think Coffee, Mercer & W 4th

Overheard by: this analogy makes no sense

German dude to other German dude, in rapid German: Voldemort! And Dumbledore!

–96th & Broadway

Overheard by: LeLeLe

Teen girl: He said that Dumbledore takes it up the ass. Seriously.

–1 train

Overheard by: Silverhawk

High school thug girl: Yo dead ass, Harry Potter is hot.

–Houston & Green

Overheard by: chedr

Perverted tween: I wonder how many old women are into Dumbledore. They must be like “oooooohh! Dumbledooooooore!”

–D train

Overheard by: tanechka

Drunk 20‐something woman on cell: I’ve fallen off the Voldemort wagon!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: McFreaky

Promoter: Would you like a free L Magazine?
Woman: No, thanks.
Promoter: Bitch, it’s free.
Woman: Oh, free? Well, why didn’t you tell me? I’ll take two.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Libby

Hustler for the homeless: Give 25 cents to end homelessness. Just 25 cents so America won’t be homeless. Excuse me, sir, do you want to help?
Suit: Nope. I don’t like America.
Hustler for the homeless: Well, have fun with your fucking Russian army, sir.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Spoons