Wednesday One-Liner Pull the Trigger With Their Toes

Cheerful man with baby strapped to his chest: Lets all go stick our heads in the microwave!

–77th & Broadway

Overheard by: rachel

40-something man: They just upped my credit limit to $3,500, so on top of the few hundred I have saved up, I guess you could call me a ghetto millionaire… (later) So she's all depressed and wants to kill herself, says she's gonna jump off something. I told her, "Girl, you live in Duluth. You jump off anything there, the only thing that'll happen is you'll break your leg.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: He later used my shoulder as a pillow

Girl on cell: What a fucking selfish bitch. I can't believe she did that. I mean, I know she was like depressed or whatever, but you don't just hang yourself at your ex-boyfriend's house. (pause) No, I'm sorry, you don't just wait for everyone to go to sleep, sneak out, and hang yourself so then everyone has to find you like that. What a bitch.

–Megabus NYC

Overheard by: Tina

MTA employee, in between ordering food: They're all jumping on the tracks now. Everybody's committing suicide. They used to wait until Christmas. Now it's every day!

–Restaurant, Kew Gardens

Overheard by: Abbieprime

Posted on December 24, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Death, Ew, Jersey, Girls, Insults, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Psychology, Public Transportation, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Suicide, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Spoken Like Someone Who's Never Seen a Cabbie Drive

Daughter: Okay. So we've got to take the n uptown. It should be arriving on this track soon.
Tourist mom: But that sign says the n goes to Queens. I don't wanna to to Queens.
Daughter: Yes, it goes to Queens but we're getting off way before then. It just ends in Queens, don't worry.
Tourist mom: Don't worry?! The sign says the n goes to Queens. And that it's an express! An express to Queens?! I don't think so. Let's just go take a cab…it'll be safer.

–Herald Square Subway Station

Overheard by: vmorgs

Posted on December 21, 2008
Directions, Families, Moms, Public Transportation, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tourism, Tourists

The Day Monique Got Run Over

Elegantly dressed French lady, speaking to New York Bus Service representative: Excuse me, when does the bus arrive?
Overweight representative, screaming: The port authoritah bus come 'erry ha'f hour!
Elegantly dressed French lady (pausing and turning to French friend): Wow. And I thought my English sucked.

–Terminal One, JFK

Overheard by: James

Posted on December 21, 2008
Fat People, Foreigners, JFK Airport, Language Barrier, Public Transportation, Questions

Now I'll Never Know How This Abe Lincoln Biography Ends!

Driver: Attention all passengers on the left side of the bus, I believe that the reading lights on your side are broken. I apologize.
Lady on the left side: Oh god, now what do we do?
Driver (muttering): Son of a bitch…take a nap!

–Bus, Port Authority

Overheard by: Sitting on the right side laughing

Posted on December 18, 2008
Apologies, Bus Drivers, Insults, On the Bus, Port Authority, Public Transportation, Questions, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Do It Via Text

Girl on cell: My ex-boyfriend used to call the subway "The MTA," and I was like, "Yeah…this isn't working out."

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I would've dumped him too

Teenager on cell: If, hypothetically, what we had been doing was dating, then technically, hypothetically, he just broke up with me. Fucking douche.

–Finacial District

Cute girl: Don't you know the rules of break-ups? You have to clean out the drawer. You can't bring old lube to a new relationship.

–Essex & Grand

Overheard by: yaletownkid

Guy to friend: So you're telling me that I broke up with her because of lube?

–Park Slope

Guy on cell: Look, I know I said "forever." It's not your fault! To be honest, I just never really liked you that much!

–West 4th St. Subway Entrance

Preppy boy: That was the worst part about breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. She got a 50% discount at Polo!

–Bloomingdale's

Posted on December 17, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Dating, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Love, Lower East Side, Lube, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Penn Station, Preppies, Public Transportation, Questions, Relationships, Store, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

So Are You a Wednesday or a One-Liner?

Gay guy to friend: The men in my family die young while the women live much longer. I don't know where that leaves me.

–W 4th St & Bank St

Daughter to mother: There are only boys and girls, right?

–M60 Bus

Math geek to another: I think society benefits more from cross-dressing than murder.

–Outside Tisch Hall, NYU

Overheard by: shaun

Woman to man: You did know she had a penis, right?

–Broadway

Overheard by: Jessica

Guy, to another standing up: Sit down, sugar tits, this ain't our stop!

–G Train

Overheard by: Matthew & Aaron

Guy to another: Hey, how're the bumps on your cervix doing?

–Thompson & Bleecker

Overheard by: office peon

Posted on December 17, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Families, Family Ties, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Moms, Murder, Nerds, Nicknames & name calling, NYU, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Questions, Rack, The Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Eric Cartman: “Wednesday One-Liner My Authori-tay!”

Disrespectful dude: We don't respect our old people here. Just makes more sense.

–Penn Station

Boisterous, deep voiced, West Indian woman: Miss, if you want respect, you must give respect! (pause) What the fuck are you gonna do about it? (pause) Miss, we will fight and we will die on this bus!

–Bus, Church Ave

Overheard by: Dena C.

Conductor: Please step away from the doors. (pause) I'm asking you in a nice way to please step away from the doors. (pause) If you do it out of respect for me, or, um, I guess, you don't have to, but at least respect the other passengers.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Vivi

Guy: Yeah, I would never fart in her face, that's disrespectful.

–Madison Sqaure Garden

Overheard by: adelynn

Emphatic bakery delivery man to store manager: You guys don't respect my bread.

–46th St & 43rd Ave, Queens

Overheard by: Anna Rose

Guy on cell: I lost all respect for her after she fucked the ice cream man.

–Dust Bowl, Central Park

Overheard by: Jay Softe

Posted on December 17, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bosses, Central Park, Conductors, Death, Farting & Burping, Fighting and ass kicking, Food, Guys, India Indians, Insults, Madison Square Garden, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Queens, Sex, Strangers, Weirdness, Women

You Should See Me Heal the Lepers

Train engineer #1, after train comes to a halt: Uh, I think we might have a problem.
Train engineer #2: Aw, not again…
Train engineer #1: Wait…hold on. Oh, there we go.
(train starts running again)
Train engineer #2: Ah! Such magical fingers you have…

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Eve

Posted on December 13, 2008
Body Parts, Coworkers, Magic, Public Transportation, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness

When a Man Puts Aside His Fake ID

Conductor #1: Now arriving on track 21, track 21, folks. Track 21.
Conductor #2: Ahhh, 21…the age of love!

–Metro North

Posted on December 12, 2008
Age/Aging, Conductors, Directions, Love, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway

Stand Clear Of the Closing Gryffindors, Please.

Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the Hogwarts Express. This is platform 9 3/4, and we will be leaving shortly for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Preteen holding Harry Potter book, to suit holding Harry Potter book: Oh my god! I knew they would come for me!
Suit holding Harry Potter book, to himself: I did too.

–C Train

Posted on December 11, 2008
Books & Writing, Conductors, Directions, Magic, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Suits, Travel, Tweens

Public Transportation