Wednesday Does One-Liners Like It's His Job

Woman on cell: Ugh, no I can't. I've been at work, I'm totally wasted.

–Outside Penn Station

Whiny American Apparel employee to new recruit: You're not allowed to chew gum on the floor, you can't wear UGGs to work… You have to be 100% American Apparel.

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Subway musician to dude walking by with guitar on his back: Get a real job! (pause) I always wanted to say that to someone.

–S Train

Female suit to make suit: So, is your work still sticky like mine?

–Port Authority

Overheard by: quiet commuter

Posted on May 12, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Clothing, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Food, Jobs & Careers, Musicians, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Port Authority, Strangers, Suits, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

WedNRAsday One-Liners

Man in bar, with the air of explaining a very simple concept: We need to shoot every fucking robber in the head, right? Then there would be no robbers.

–Midtown

Mom to son picking leaves off a potted plant: You better stop doing that or else they'll shoot you.

–Roosevelt Island Golf Center

Overheard by: erak

40-something female suit: I'm looking for a particular kind of venom for my blow-gun darts.

–The High Line

60-something woman to two admiring 30-something women: My body no longer produces estrogen and I carry a gun in my purse… Who's going to mess with me?

–Prince & Sullivan

Posted on May 12, 2010
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Families, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Lower East Side, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murder, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Soho, Suits, Thievery, Threats, Trees and plants, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

We Prefer “The Sittin' Squad,” But Yeah.

Suit, blocking newly vacated seat and motioning to young woman at other end of the car: Would you like to sit?
Older woman, closer to the seat: Who the fuck is he… The seat police?

–5 Train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Posted on May 10, 2010
Cops, Insults, Old People, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Suits, Women

Ahahahahhaha!

Suit to guy in scrubs: How did you find her hemorrhoid?
Guy in scrubs: I gave it to her up the ass last night.
Suit: Win-win, I guess.

–Elevator, Mount Sinai Hospital

Overheard by: ECW

Posted on May 8, 2010
Ass, Backdoor, Elevators, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hospitals, Suits

Wednesday One-Liners Pee a Lot

Dramatically upset woman outside bathroom: I knew I had to pee before, but I chose not to! And now I'm facing the consequences!

–La Lanterna, The Village

Overheard by: Sunny

Woman holding child: Does looking at the fountain make you have to pee? It makes mommy have to pee. It's only natural.

–Bryant Park

Guy to friend: No, seriously, I think I legit peed on that guy!

–30th St & 9th Ave

Guy on cell: No, I will not urinate with you!

–The Met

Woman in turtleneck to suit: I mean, people shouldn't only eat when they're hungry. (pause) Or go to the bathroom when they have to… only. That's like, bad for your bladder!

–86th St & 5th Ave

Woman on cell: I don't care about them. I don't care about their urine. I don't care about their office!

–Court & Carroll, Brooklyn

Posted on May 5, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Bryant Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Friends, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Pee, Questions, Suits, The Met, The Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Then Raise Random Objections to Keep Myself Awake in Court

Suit #1: Today is going to terrible. I have to meet three clients downtown.
Suit #2: Yeah, I have to sit through a deposition.
Suit #3: I was thinking about tackling the Baconator, but I'm going to stick with the Cheddar Melt.

–Penn Station

Posted on May 4, 2010
Gripes, Junk Food & Fast Food, Penn Station, Suits

Where We Acknowledge No One

Frustrated hobo: I don't know where y'all are from, but where I come from people acknowledge each other.
Suit: We're from New York.

–S Train

Posted on April 27, 2010
Comebacks, Hobos, On the Subway, Only in New York, Suits

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Give a Cluck

Extremely tall black woman watching video excerpt of porn star Marilyn Chambers "self pleasuring": Huh, looks like she's cleaning out a chicken.

–Museum of Sex, 5th Ave

Very round and fat short woman on cell: Next time ya come down to Astoria bring me some ribs! (girlishly) Bring me some chicken or some ribs. (pause) Wellll, bring some tomorra! (pause) I'll be lickin' my fingas at 4:30 in the mornin'!

–N Train

Overheard by: I want some ribs too

Suit on cell: So, the chicken comes out of its cage, and then it picks your fortune!

–Baxter St & Walker St

Overheard by: Kristin

High school girl: I'm sorry, but I was really high, and the chicken was just sitting there in the fridge. I mean, would you think someone's a bad person who kills someone when they're drunk? (pause) Let's pretend I didn't say that.

–86 St

Lady on cell: They eat the same thing all the time. Every single day it's curried chicken, white rice, curried chicken, white rice. I just want a damn sushi burger!

–Downtown F Train

Gay guy dressed in black with painted red hair: So fuck it. I'm gonna make a fetish costume for a chicken!

–11st St & 3rd Ave

Posted on April 21, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Birds, Black People, Body Parts, Cleanliness, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Ethnic Food, Fat People, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Masturbation, Murder, Museums, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Porn, Queer guys, Street, Students, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

It Was Truly a Golden Age

Artsy girl with black hair to friend, after singing lyrics to the Thong Song: I know that because my brother used to sing it all the time.
Female suit, walking by on cell: So did I!

–45th & 2nd

Overheard by: can't remember the lyrics

Posted on April 18, 2010
Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, On Cell, Singing, Suits

Watch Wednesday One-Liners' Noses Grow!

Chubby Midwestern woman on cell: Yeah, I'm at Saks Fifth Avenue right now.

–Burger King

Overheard by: willy cheesesteak

Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm heading west on 23rd.

–1st Ave

Overheard by: Angela

Suit on cell, pacing around fountain: Yeah, baby I'm so sick, I could barely get out of bed this morning, I dragged myself to the kitchen. Didn't go to work or anything. Yeah, I think I'm just going to try to sleep it off, tonight. Guess dinner's off, sorry.

–Central Park Fountain

Overheard by: Knows Suits on cells are always lying

Man on cell, entering subway station: Yeah, I'm going to my limousine now, I'll talk to you later.

–Subway, 66th & Broadway

Dude in hoodie on cell, exiting subway: No, baby, I can't–I'm in Manhattan. No, I'm in Manhattan!

–86th St & 4th Ave, Bay Ridge

Man in jeans purchasing Doritos, on cell: Dude, I can't talk right now, I'm running in the marathon. Call you back in a few hours?

–Duane Reade, 87th & York

Overheard by: Upper East Sider

Posted on April 14, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Central Park, Duane Reade, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Lies, Men, Midwesterners, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Restaurants & Cafes, Shopping, Sports, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Women