Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It

Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It’s kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.

–Barnard College

Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you’re supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I’m supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn’t mean he’s emo!

–Brooklyn Tech HS

16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.

–The Beacon School

Gay man to female friend: I’m gonna cut out your G-spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.

–Dojo Resaurant

Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy… Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers… And I blame you for that.

–Grand Army Plaza

Overheard by: wishes she would have been there…

Posted on November 5, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Jocks, On Cell, Queer guys, School and studying, Stab, Teens, The Village, Threats, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness, Women

Same Thing That Happens When I Go to Parties at Andy Dick's House

Female coworker: Last time I went paintballing I got hit in the crotch.
Male coworker: How do you get hit there? How many times?
Female coworker: I dunno, some dude just unloaded on my crotch.

–6th & 38th

Posted on November 4, 2014
Body Parts, Coworkers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Violence

I Think They Were Talking About Hearing Aids

Teen girl #1: I hated those guys sitting behind us. I just wanted to bash their heads in!
Teen girl #2: What? The HIV people?
Teen girl #1: Wait…what?

–Paley's Museum of Radio and Television

Posted on October 31, 2014
AIDS, Gripes, More museums, Questions, Teens, Violence, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Desensitized? I’m Fucking Enthusiastic !

Thug #1: So, you play sports games on that thing?
Thug #2 with PSP: Nah. I’m not really a sports fanatic.
Thug #1: Yeah, me neither. I just like violence.
Thug #2, slapping hands with Thug #1: Me, too!

–2/3 train near Atlantic Ave

Overheard by: Saeed

Posted on October 30, 2014
On the Subway, Thugs, Video Games, Violence

Surgeon: So I’ll Stop Your Heart, Cut You Open, and… What the Fuck? She Hung Up on Me Again!

Old woman #1: … so now I have to go all the way downtown, because I’ve been getting these death threats from this man.
Old woman #2: And when is your surgery?
Old woman #1: I missed it because I was so distracted by the threats.

–Bx7 bus

Overheard by: me and my grandma, sitting behind them

Posted on October 27, 2014
Age/Aging, Health and Hygiene, Old People, On the Bus, Violence, Women

When I Say “No Tracheotomy,” I Mean It

Woman #1: After that Oprah, I knew we needed to work at our problems.
Woman #2: Good for you, good for you.
Woman #1: Yeah, I was like “Nigga, you better get up off me, take this knife off my throat, and use some motherfuckin words.”
Woman #2: Girl. Just like Rihanna.

–Escalator, Penn Station

Overheard by: JHillary

Posted on October 25, 2014
About Celebrities, Compare/Contrast, Penn Station, Relationships, TV, Violence, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners and the Utterly Unsatisfying Conclusion

Guy, in chinese: Do you think I'm Harry Potter?

–Vivi Bubble Tea Bar

Girl on cell outside art bar: And I was like "Dumbledore, try some jeans."

–8th Ave & Horatio St

Overheard by: Jean Ann

Cute girl graduating to friend: I hate gowns… How does Harry Potter stand it?

–Columbia University Business School Graduation

Overheard by: Jen

Guy, after watching new Harry Potter movie: Man… that's it? That was a lap dance!

–42nd Street Movie Theater

Crazy woman wrapped in shawls: I'd kidnap and fuck Harry Potter for an eight ball of coke. (to onlooker) Why aren't you at work?

–Brooklyn Theater

Overheard by: JesseJack (I've got a Job)

Posted on October 24, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Clothing, Cocaine, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crazies, Dancing, Film, Friends, Girls, Guys, Magic, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movie Theaters, Movies, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Rape, Stupidity, Theater, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Not Too Bad, As Far As Blind Dates Go

A hobo on crutches hobbles towards a chick walking in the opposite direction, and she swerves to avoid him.

Crutchbo: You think you can outsmart me, bitch? Next time I’ll cut you.
Woman: I’m hoping there won’t be a next time.

–Port Authority

Posted on October 11, 2014
Anger Management, Hobos, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, People, Places, Port Authority, Retards & Handicaps, Stab, Topics, Violence, Women

Wednesday One-liners for the Tots

Little girl: Mommy, how old will I be when I have sex?

–18th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mayde and Daniel

Posted on October 10, 2014
College, Elevators, Fordham, Ghetto Chicks, Health and Hygiene, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Should've Used a Condom, Stupidity, The Bronx, Upper East Side, Violence

I’m Late for My Exorcism

Old lady: Hey, you know what time it is? You got a face so pretty, I swear I’ll have to cut you if you don’t tell me what time it is.
Guy: Five thirty.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Romanoff

Posted on September 24, 2014
Fashion, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, Violence

Violence

Desensitized? I’m Fucking Enthusiastic !