Weirdness

Woman to male teacher: I thought you were a middle aged Latino woman.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Alex and Colin

Chubby Latino: I don't want to go there. It'll just be a bunch of angry Dominicans throwing tables.

–Cooper Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Drunken lady, sitting uninvited at a Hispanic family table: Cinco cuatro cinco… en Chicago. I have a business at 545 Chicago. In Chicago. I am a successful woman. Stay in school, sweetie. Learn your math and arithmetic… Yes, your math, and your arithmetic. And be good to your mommy. You only have one mommy, so be good to her. Alright, ciao, guys. Adios, coco! What? A cab? No, no, I'm fine.

–Pio Pio Restaurant, 91st & 1st

Overheard by: HJWC

Hasidic Jew answering cell: Hola? Hola? Hola!

–30 Rock

Overheard by: Micky

Bespectacled man on cell, walking a dog: And I owe it all to the politically incorrect Frito Bandito.

–Bryant Park

Conductor: This is 14th Street, Union Square. Transfers available to the 4, 5, 6, L, Q, R, and W trains. This is a Queens-bound N train. The next stop will be 14th Street, Union Square. 14th Street, Union Square will be the next stop.

–Uptown N Train, Canal Street

Overheard by: V

Conductor: This is 33rd Street. Transfer is available to the… street.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Murray Hill Schlub

Conductor: This is 66th street, Lincoln Tunnel.

–Downtown 2 Train

Overheard by: Close but no cigar

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen. This train will *not* be going to South Ferry, due to issues with the problem. I repeat: we will *not* be going to South Ferry, because of issues with the problem.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Conductor: There is no N train service across the platform. I repeat, there is no N service across the platform. (N train pulls in) …that is an an N train across the platform.

–Queensboro Plaza

Loud office chick: Oh my god, I found, like, four condoms on the bookshelf!

–Hudson St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Serious teen on cell: If you use a condom… It doesn't count.

–Murray Hill

40-something woman to two 20-year-old men: Don't believe any girl when she tells you she's on birth control. Take your condom and keep it in your wallet.

–19th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: McCrum

Guy on cell: You're just mad because your dick is tiny and the condom slipped off.

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Powerwalking Indian woman: I mean, isn't that why I went on the pill? So guys can come in me?

–40th & Queens Blvd, Queens

Overheard by: Ohmarkus

Boyfriend: No, seriously, you have the vagina of a nine-year-old girl.
Girlfriend (flattered): Thank you!

–72nd St

Overheard by: Dubjay

Girl: Hey…do you think that there's, like, pregnant porn out there?
Friend: You mean, porn, starring pregnant women?
Girl: Yeah.
Friend: That's gross. I don't even want to know.
Girl: Hmm… I think I'm going to look it up when I get home.
Friend: Can we please stop talking about this?
Girl: I'll send you some?
Friend (disgusted): Please. Don't.

–27th & 6th

Overheard by: sam

Older guy at table: Goddamn it!
Younger man: What's the matter?
Older guy: Do you ever get some loose skin from your ball sack stuck in you fly? I can tell you right now, it's a motherfucker!
Younger guy: No, that's why we wear underwear.
Older guy: Yeah, well back in my day I was raised without them and god forbid, as long as I live, I'll never put one on till I'm cold dead.

–Burger King, Broadway

Little kid: Who is you? Who is you? Who is you? Who is you? Who. Is. You?!?!?!?!
Woman: Does it matter?

–Knickerbocker Ave.

Overheard by: anonymous

Bank teller: Are you two married?
Asian girl and white man (angrily): Yes. Just.
Bank teller: You're so loving.
White man: Our marriage doesn't start until noon each day.
Asian girl: After two cups of coffee.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Thug on phone: Yo, man, you know that bitch I rent my room from? Those titties are triple F or some shit, man! (pause) How do I know that? Cause I looked through her drawers, that's how! (pause) Cause whenever I talk to that bitch, those things are in my face! I had to find out!

–17th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: redshikari

Dude: I have barometric boobies!

–Jujutsu Class, 13th & 7th

Overheard by: Ladle

Dude to friend: Dude, sometimes you just have to say no to boobs.

–St. Mark's Chipotle

College student: Those tits in that shirt look awful… I wanna see cleavage, not leverage.

–Columbia University

Suit on cell: You should get paid more because of how big your boobs are!

–74th & 3rd

Overheard by: Joanna L.

20-something girl: I don't let people with toes like that into my bed!

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: insizlane

Old man on cell: Just tell her to go to Duane Reade and get that shit that puts your urethra to sleep.

–East Village

Overheard by: doctors are so jaded

Woman: My son has a perfect head, it's not flat on no sides.

–44 Bus, Staten Island

(man comes over and pushes down everyone's safety bar)
Woman: My uterus just came out of my vagina.

–Coney Island Cyclone

Guy on cell: …and it's just not Sunday unless you've had your finger in someone.

–Houston & Macdougal

Overheard by: Lish