Send in the Wednesday One-Liners

Ghetto kid at a carnival: Man, that wasn’t no clown. That was just someone dressed like a clown!

–P.S. 218, The Bronx

Overheard by: Children are the future

Fourteen-year-old black girl to friend: You should have thrown a brick at a clown and seen the blood. You would have loved that.

–7th Ave Street Fair, Park Slope

Overheard by: send in the clowns

Little girl, pointing at obvious pimp: Look mommy, look! A clown!

–Brooklyn

Janitor to clown post-show: Everybody loves clowns. Even Bill Gates!

–Barnum & Bailey Circus

Slightly crazed looking man to well-dressed blonde chick: For $300 you’ll get a clown and a playboy bunny!

–E4th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: I might consider paying up

Posted on April 30, 2008
9 to 5-ers, About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Blood & bleeding, Brooklyn, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Family Ties, Friends, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Park Slope, Physical appearance, Street, Teens, The Bronx, Thugs, Tourist Attractions, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are in Dire Need of a Glade Plug-In

Drunk, angry Puerto Rican girl to boyfriend: You had to make me smell like fuckin’ Chinese food on new year’s eve!

–Grand St & Graham Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: someone who happily had a different New Year’s date, and wonders whether there is a Designer Imposters version of such a scent.

Disgusted McDonald’s patron: This shit smells worse than a hobo’s taint!

–14 & Broadway

Overheard by: Shemp

Man, entering subway car: Son, it smells like home depot in here.

–4 Train

Drunk sorostitute on cell: It smelled fine. It was just a febreeze gone awry!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Queer: I can’t wait to move out of this decrepit office building. A couple of days ago a mouse died in the walls -you remember what that smells like. The guys in the office said: "Maybe it’ll go away after a week," but I told them it’s just going to get worse, so now they want to bring in some awful air freshener thing. Someone is already spraying that stuff in the men’s room, and it’s got a nasty artificial orange scent, so it smells like someone shat on a fruit basket.

–28th & Park

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl with a huge ugly weave: I smell fried chicken! [Pauses.] … Oh, it’s prolly me. [Keeps walking.]

–Library, Washington Irving High School

Posted on April 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Death, Drunks, Ethnic Food, Fruit, Girls, Gripes, Holidays, Homeless, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Puerto Ricans, Queer guys, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Sorority Girls, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Of Course, They Make Tons More Money Than Me And Actually Help Society…

Guy at hipster party: As white people, we don’t think of Greeks as white –we think of them as… Dirty Greeks!
Girl: I can’t believe you just said that.
Guy: Come on. No one likes a Greek.

–Party, Greenpoint

Overheard by: I have no problem with Greeks

Posted on April 29, 2008
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Default, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Insults, Race, Weirdness

You Know Smiling Is Illegal in This Zip Code

Starbucks employee #1: I just got so aroused when I made that caramel coffee today.
Starbucks employee #2: Oh god… You didn’t do what you did last time, did you?!?

–Broadway & Reade

Posted on April 28, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Coffee, Coworkers, Default, Erections, Jobs & Careers, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

She’s Not Even the Toughest Woman on Avenue A

30ish girl, looking at twenty-year olds: Are they going on about how old they are? Oh, please.
45ish rocker chick: Yup, they are.
30ish girl: I think I’m older than they are!
45ish: Me too. From the look of things, they’re about the age of my first abortion.
30ish girl: [Chokes on beer.]45ish: Wonder how old that would be now?
30ish girl: Please stop.

–Double Down, Ave A

Overheard by: Happygirl

Posted on April 28, 2008
Abortion, Age/Aging, Bars & Clubs, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Offers and requests, Questions, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

Marge Began to Regret Giving Her Daughter Whiskey As a Baby

Daughter: I was a needle!
Mom: How were you a needle?
Daughter: I was a cute needle!

–10th & 6th Ave

Posted on April 24, 2008
Compliments, Default, Girls, Kids, Moms, Questions, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

New York’s Onstar Is a Little Lacking in Tact.

Random female tourist: Excuse me, can you tell me which way is the river?
Random angry new yorker: Which one, lady? You’re on a fucking island.

–9th & Broadway

Overheard by: Elan

Headline by: Jess

Runners-Up:
· “”Oh, Sorry. I’m Looking For, Um (Reading Guidebook) ‘Duh Fuckin’ River Wit Dah Steel Bitch Innit’…”” – Mike Chmiel
· “And That Was All Reba Needed For A Good Country Song” – cbeck
· “Generic Tourist ‘To Do’ List: “Get Insulted by New Yorker: – Check!” – Bassmanbish
· “Shit…Can You Tell Me How to Get to New York Then?” – lisa
· “The Map Crisis in America Doesn’t Just Apply to Beauty Pageants” – Erin

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on April 24, 2008
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Anger Management, Directions, Etiquette, Headline Contest Winners, NYC Geography, Questions, Tourists, Weirdness, Women

Hell Hath No Fury Like Wednesday One-Liners

Crazy church lady into microphone: There are no drugs, sex, or rock n’ roll in hell. Repent and have your fill in heaven.

–42nd & 6th Subway Station

Overheard by: Tony

Train "preacher" holding his bible: Adam was the first black man! And Eve was the first white woman! And Adam sinned and got them kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Then they had a whole lot of brown babies! But they set the stage for black men and white women. That’s why you have Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton running for President today! It’s in the bible!

–2 Train

Preacher: We’ve got a lot of tourists here today and we know why you came -you want to see a black gospel church. And that’s okay, that’s okay! That’s what we are. And you know, some of our members, they do it tough. Why, they come from such rough neighbourhoods as Connecticut and upstate New York …

–Abyssinian Baptist Church, Harlem

Bible thumper: You need a ticket to get on the heaven-bound train! And the ticket is Jesus Christ.

–3 Train

Street preacher: … And what is good for the goose is good for the gander! And what is a gander, anyway?

–St Mark’s Place

Overheard by: EthanK

Posted on April 23, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Christianity, Crazies, Drugs, God Squad, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Politics, Preachers, President, Questions, Race, Sex, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tourism, U.S. Geography, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners

Stagehand: I’m telling you, in my next life I’m gonna be a yeti impersonator, and it’s gonna be great!

–Lincoln Center

Curly-haired woman on cell: The gnomes you’ll be seeing are among the friendliest, I think.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Poogins

Crazy hobo, walking down the street: I bought Jesus! I bought Santa Claus! I bought the tooth fairy!

–Parsons, 40th & 7th ave

College girl to friend, pointing at native-american diorama: Oh look, they even have mermaids here! [walks closer and sees mannequin’s feet.] Never mind, it’s not a mermaid!

–Museum of Natural History

Yuppie mom, to toddler son: You can live on the upper west side and I’ll be the tooth fairy!

–Times Square Subway

Overheard by: Lillian

Posted on April 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Crazies, Happiness, Hobos, Holidays, Jesus, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Museum of Natural History, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Shopping, Sorority Girls, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women, Yuppies

Weirdness