Weirdness

You Can Always Tell the Conductors Who Used to Teach Public School

Train conductor on “drunk train” from Penn Station: To your right, you will see a big shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Port Jeff, get off of this train, and get on that shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Montauk, walk through the big shiny train, until you see an even *bigger* shiny train. The train to Montauk will have not one, but two big shiny levels. That is the train to Montauk. So remember: Port Jeff?
Conductor and herd of drunken fools: Shiny train!
Conductor: Montauk?
Drunken fools: Bigger shiny train! Woooo!

–LIRR, Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Sarah

In Cute Poses!

Old man #1: It was uplifting.
Old man #2: Dead babies?

–Cranberry Cafe

Overheard by: Jordan

Bootylicious Wednesday One-Liners

Gay guy on cell: And they had the guy with the biggest butt stand next to the guy with the second-biggest butt! Seriously, what is wrong with them?

–6th Ave & 12th

Woman getting on a crowded train, looking for a seat: See, I told you there would be a lot of behinds on this train!

–N Train

Overheard by: Some behind lucky enough to find a seat.

Thug to another: After I wipe his ass, I'm gonna beat his ass!

–86th & Park Ave

Woman on cell: So, what are you going to tell him? "Sorry, I can't marry you–your ass is broken"?

–1st & 23

Teen to friend: Why didn't he use a tennis racket? It would have left that waffle fry look on your ass.

–Bus to Penn Station

Skipping tween girl to metrosexual father: I've seen your butt, you know!

–72nd & Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Shannon

It's Wednesday One-Liners, Paleface!

Guy to friend: When Obama wins, I'm going to slap a white person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Lane

Lady getting sprayed with perfume by her friend: Stop. Stop it! You gonna make me smell like white people.

–East Drive, Prospect Park

Overheard by: White smelly jogger

Black gay man sans shirt, upon seeing group of white girls wandering: Oh my god, white girls! Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

–Christopher St

Gentleman walking past Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too restaurant: Man, black people eating tofu, white people eating spoonbread…

–W 110th & Columbus

Gingy, referring to ebony colored condoms: This way, when I fuck a white boy he'll still be black!

–E Broadway 99 Cent Store

Black lady in african garb: Too many white flower! Need more black power! (the only white girl around looks up confusedly, now black lady screams in her face) White flower!

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell

Overheard by: Ruby

Especially One Who Owns Penn Station

Old Chinese lady: No luggage allowed. Leave it outside. This is my building! I own it!
(College kid, obviously from out of town, leaves in fear)
Old Chinese lady: Puta!
(college kid scurries away)
College kid on cell: Yeah, I did what they say on Law & Order. Never make eye contact with a New Yorker.

–Penn Station Entrance

Overheard by: kash

Though We Wouldn't Be Able to Charge As Much for Admission

Water polo boy #1: Entertain me!
Water polo boy #2: Dude, why don't we just naked wrestle! (pause) Or we could wrestle with clothes on?

–Edward's Parade, Fordham University

The Post Calls Their Performance Art “Edgy and Exhilarating”

Drunk guy: Did I puke on you?
Drunk girl (holding half-full pitcher and cup): You might have puked on me, but I peed and spilled beer on myself to rinse it off.

–N Train

Overheard by: Abbey C

Maybe She's Born with It? Maybe It's Wednesday One-Liner.

Guy preaching on subway: I noticed I would always get hit on by beautiful women when I was with a woman, so I started hanging out with lesbians, and now we pick up women together.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Alexis

Panhandler going through train: God bless you, will anyone spare some money? God bless you, damm! You have a pretty white girlfriend.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Jackie

Woman giving out free loot: You girls are so pretty, want some condoms?

–Grand Central Station

Hobo: Why do rich men get to marry all the pretty girls, kill them, and get away with it?

–125th St

Trashed girl, coming out of bathroom: I hate when guys say, "you're pretty enough."

–Bar 9, 54th & 9th

Overheard by: Ladle

Big slobby schlub, loudly talking to buddy: So, she was about to become another disposable pretty girl.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Rambling crazy man: All of you women look beautiful, but in the end, y'all still have to take a shit!

–L Train

Overheard by: The City Planner

I Find Starvation Heightens His T-Ball Game

Girl #1: Look at these pictures.
(girl #2 starts to look at pictures)
Girl #2: Oh look, my son looks like one of those… uhhh… hmmm…? I forgot what they are called.
Girl #1: A hungry child?
Girl #2: Yeaaaah, like one of those kids from a third world country.

–Buhre Avenue, Bronx

Overheard by: DaILList4Ever

Nuh-Unh!

Man: I don’t have a thousand dollars to give you.
Woman: You do too, sir.
Man: I don’t. I can give you some money today, but I don’t have a thousand.
Woman: You do too, sir.
Man: I can write you a check later this week, but I don’t have a thousand right now.
Woman: You do too, sir.

–Courtroom D, 100 Center St

Overheard by: Inkling

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