Presenting the Wednesday One-Liners Lollipop

Girl: He’s like, "Why so cold?" and I’m like, "You licked my ear! You licked my ear! You licked my ear! I cannot emphasize enough that you licked my ear."

–43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: So if he licked my pussy, would it ruin our friendship?

–W 4th Street

Eight-year old boy: Can I please lick your eyeball, mom?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: thankfully, not the mom

20-something woman talking to friends: So, having some guy really close to your ear with his tongue out is the most horrifying thing ever… Some guy just licked me on the subway. He emptied, like, an entire tube of toothpaste on my hair and back and then proceeded to lick it off me…I got to work and went to the bathroom. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my back raw, but I didn’t feel clean until I got home and took a shower.

–Gift Shop, The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Lauren Weiss

Girl to friend: And then she bent over and he licked her ass.

–Astor Place Subway Station

Overheard by: Shane and Sammy

Pretentious redhead: So I said, "Please don’t lick me. I’m just trying to do my job."

–Uptown E Train

Overheard by: wondering where she works

Posted on May 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Friendship, Harassment, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Licking, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Museum of Natural History, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Relationships, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Met, The Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wanna Buy a Bridge, Wednesday One-Liners?

10-year-old tourist kid: Mom, is Brooklyn famous for its graffiti?

–Coney Island-bound D train

Overheard by: BB

White guy, pointing: Over there in Brooklyn three-year-olds just, like, walk around!

–Delancey & Essex

Overheard by: Red Hair

Guy walking through bar: What’s with Brooklyn and beards?

–Union Hall, Park Slope

Overheard by: jasonjason

Guy: Brooklyn is the middle borough in terms of goodness.

–Kosher Delight

Thugette to double decker tour bus: Brooklyn! Brooklyn! You’re taking a tour of Brooklyn! I just got out of jail!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Staying on the bus….

Posted on May 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Guys, Hair, Hudson River, Kids, Lower East Side, NYC Geography, On the Subway, Overheard Overheard, Park Slope, Philosophy, Prison, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Thugs, Tourists, Weirdness, White People

You Know You Love It. Xoxo.

20-something hipster guy to friend: Dude, did you see Gossip Girl last night?
Friend: (stares)
20-something hipster guy, indignantly: Shut up! If you started watching it, you wouldn't be able to stop, either!

–168 St Subway Station

Overheard by: Kat

Posted on May 21, 2015
Friends, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., TV, Weirdness

Nine Times Out of Ten They'll Guess Idaho

Middle aged white woman: You know, if you're not communicating with someone you can't just stick a potato up their ass and expect them to know where you're coming from.
Middle aged ponytail guy: True, true.

–Broadway Station Bar, Astoria

Posted on May 21, 2015
Ass, Astoria, Food, Guys, Idiots, Stupidity, Weirdness, Women

When God Closes a Wednesday One-Liner, He Opens a Window

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Station police officer, please apprehend the man holding the doors in the 6th car. (pause, then doors close) Hahaha, that always works.

–B Train

Overheard by: JustMe

Conductor: The door in car number two is not working, if you are looking at this door not opening I recommend moving, youuuuuuuu might want to move.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Brian Broker

MTA engineer: Please use all exits. For the love of god, people, use all the doors to get out of the train. What the fuck, people, use the doors. Thank you.

–G Train

Overheard by: lolz

Conductor: Please stop holding the doors. (people continue to hold doors). I'm already on the clock, I have nowhere to be.

–A Train

Overheard by: oliviz

Disgruntled subway conductor: Listen up, y'all! This train needs to move! Do not try to hold open the doors! Do not run at closing doors! Do not stick anything in the doors! That includes arms, legs, obnoxiously expensive purses, children, animals, whatever! Let's go!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: Please stand clear of the doors or it will bruise yo face.

–C Train

Overheard by: Chris

Posted on May 21, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Clerks, Conductors, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Insults, Laughter, Lies, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Birthday One-Liners

20-something guy on cell: My girlfriend's birthday is tomorrow. (pause) I don't know. Maybe a bong.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Steve Popovich

Girl to friend: I just wanted to hook up with him because we had the same birthday.

–8th St & 5th Ave

Rent cast member (shouting over shoulder): I turn 34 on Friday, I'm old but at least I made it past Jesus.

–Nederlander Theatre

Woman arguing loudly with her mother in the laundromat: My 30th birthday is gonna be ruined if we don't go to the wax museum!

–4th Ave & 14th St, Brooklyn

Guy handing out New York Post: Grab your free copy of New York Post, it's free, it's free! Oh, and happy birthday to me today, thank you very much for remembering it! Oh, what a lovely day…

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: Eve

Posted on May 20, 2015
Actors, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Birthdays, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Fashion, Free stuff!, Friends, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Hook Ups, Jesus, Laundromat, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Street, The Village, Theater, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

I'm Barred From Her Dungeon for Life

Slutty lesbian chick buying ice cream: So then she says “Scream! I'm going to keep spanking you until you scream!”
Slightly less slutty chick: So what did you do?
Slutty lesbian chick: Well, I wanted it to be hot, but when it came out it wasn't so much an “I'm getting spanked, and it's hot” scream as it was an “I'm shitty and it hurts” grunt.

–Grocery Store, The Bronx

Posted on May 19, 2015
Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Grocery Stores, Lesbians, S&M, The Bronx, Violence, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

And You’re Not the Only One

Girl: I need to get something for my boyfriend for valentine’s day. I’m thinking of some panties and an outfit from Victoria’s Secret. What do you think?
Boy: That’s nice. I like dirty panties. Hanes tighty whities for women. I like them real dirty and crusty lookin’, like she just rolled around in some shit.
Girl: You nasty! What’s wrong with you?
Boy: Don’t be hatin’, that’s what I like.

–R Train

Overheard by: Chris

Posted on May 19, 2015
Boys, Clothing, Compliments, Default, Gifts, Girls, Holidays, On the Subway, Questions, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners’ Eyes Are Bigger Than Their Stomachs

20-something woman: Is she a bialy in real life?

–Tomo sushi, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Very large black woman on cell phone, bellowing: I don’t do no motherfucking corn bread! Why the fuck you always want corn bread, motherfucker?

–St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital, 114th & Amsterdam

Punk girl to another: I wish I was a muffin. But I’m not. I’m a human.

–B Train

Overheard by: id rather be a cupcake

Black Whole Foods employee to black whole Foods customer: You have to be raised on it, you hear me? I was raised on c-town, key foods. I ain’t gonna pay no 4 dollars for no eggs.

–Union Square Whole Foods

Clueless suit on cell: I’m just really bad at knowing if stuff is perishable or not. I just don’t know. Ok, so ice cream -that’s perishable, right? Butter -non-perishable. Caviar isn’t perishable either… Wait, what? Oh, butter is perishable? Wait, how do you know? Does perishable mean it has to be kept in the fridge? Ok, so does caviar have to be kept in the fridge?

–E 60th St

Angry 20-something on cell phone: Why? Why? Because I can’t eat spaghetti-o’s anymore!

–E 13th St & 1st Ave

Posted on May 19, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Food, Hospitals, Insults, Kosher food, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Punks, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Weirdness