Advice

Wednesday Would Hit These One-Liners in a Heartbeat

Random guy to everyone nearby: Yes, you are sexier than Conor Oberst–all of you.

–McCarren Park

Overheard by: Chris K

Beer guy: I got sexy beer for sexy people! Beer so cold it talks back to you! If you don't drink beer, you die!

–Brighton Beach

Overheard by: Damn, I'd better by a beer…

Little boy in preppy school uniform to Asian teenage girl: Mmmmmmm…I like sexy girls. I like them a loooot. (takes out imaginary cell phone) Mmmm, mmhmm…I'd like that. Ohhh.

–M1 Bus

Hobo to guy carrying mirror: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the sssssexiest of 'em all?

–13th & 5th

Freshman to group of friends: Yo, when Jack* first got his hair cut it looked mad weird, but now it looks mad sexy, no homo. It kind of looks like the Jonas Brothers.

–Bard High School Early College

Columbia girl: She was sexy, but she shouldn't have done that. That's so Adam Smith.

–1 train

Overheard by: EthanK

How Do You Get a Flyer Guy to Shut Up, Again?

Comedy promoter: Do you like stand-up comedy?
Guy: Sure.
Promoter: Here, take a look at this!
Guy: No, thanks.
Promoter: Take one! It's not drugs!
(girlfriend grabs guy's hand, they keep walking)
Promoter: Sir, don't let that woman control your life! You are your own person!

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: Ashley

We've Already Gotten a Ticket Because the Baby Isn't Walking

Wife, pushing stroller through crosswalk: Oh, wow, honey, look at that building.
Husband, quickly: This is New York, sweetheart, you gotta keep walking.

–Columbus Circle

If You Start Talking About Jesus Now, I'll Leave You in the Store

Mother looking at stick-on lightbulbs: Those might be good in case you ever need to see in the dark.
College-age daughter: Yeah, or if you're blind and need more light.

–Walgreens, 97th & Broadway

Overheard by: ryn

But He Wrote It under the Pseudonym “Anne Frank”

Redhead: Do you keep a standard diary?
Brunette: No.
Redhead: You should. Winston Churchill did, and Winston Churchill won World War II.
Brunette: I think Hitler had a diary, too.

–Fort Greene Park

Overheard by: Lulu

Ever Since That Bad Robo-Trip, They've Been Extra-Cautious with the Pharmaceuticals

Teen girl #1 (reading about Advil): “Take two for muscle aches.” Hm, is the stomach a muscle?
Teen girl #2: It's not a muscle, I think it's an organ.
Teen girl #1: It's not organ, it is so a muscle. I'm going to take two.
Teen guy: Yo, just go to Duane Reade and get some Pepto-Bismol before you hurt yourself.

–Bay Terrace Shopping Center

Overheard by: mets fan

Same Reason You're Allowed to Watch Bring It On! and I'm Not

Hipster girl to smoking boyfriend: You shouldn't smoke. Smoking's bad for you.
Boyfriend: You smoke.
Hipster girl: Yeah, but I'm a film major and you're pre-med.

–NYU

Overheard by: good point?

What Is It About a Wednesday One-Liner in Uniform?

Security guard to another: I know it's habitual to act retarded.

–Time Warner Security Check

Overheard by: spandangle

Security guard: The door's that way, people. I know that when you see a door you want to go through it–it's human nature.

–Crown Plaza Hotel, Times Square

Overheard by: GJL

Female security guard: What does my sexual genitalia have to do with it?

–Brooklyn Library

Little boy: Mommy, mommy, look! They've got security guards! Must be a rich people place.

–86th & Brooklyn

Security guard, after metal detector beeps: Ma'am, would you please remove your wooden bracelet and walk back through the metal detector again?

–Liberty Island

Overheard by: heather linford

Crazy security guard: I have so much gas. I'm going to take all my gas and send it to Iraq and end the war. (gets distracted by a girl walking past with an ice cream cone) Hey, you're stomach's gonna freeze!

–NYU Dorm

Overheard by: Honest Truth

Wednesday One-Liners Click “It's Complicated”

Man on cell: Listen, you are just not going to meet a young woman who doesn't have a MySpace page, isn't religious, and doesn't want children.

–46th St & 5th St

30-something to friend: Why is it people from the Midwest always ask if you've tried speed dating? It is like the first thing they think of when they hear about a single woman in New York–she must not have tried speed dating yet.

–1st St & 2nd Ave

Girl on cell: I mean, he basically acts like we're living together. But I don't know, like, I almost called him last night and asked, "are we even dating?"

–65th St & 1st Ave

Hispanic lady: I don't need no man, I don't need no man. I got everything I need in my purse.

–Cafe, West Village

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Workin' on the Railroad, All the Livelong Day

Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your ass in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of fucking bullshit at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being… Yes, it's you! Goddammit, get in the fucking train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell ass in or get the fuck out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Train Wreck

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.

–R Train

Overheard by: Mezz

Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.

–B Train

Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off… (makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Amused passenger

Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Luke Skywalker

Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.

–G Train

Overheard by: El David

Conductor, after train stops: Ladies and gentlemen, there is train traffic up ahead. We'll start moving as soon… (train starts moving) Oh, well, I guess that's cleared up. Weee!

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

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