Chick #1 in stall: So Jessica*…
(loud hand-drier turns on for a few seconds, then off)
Chick #2, in adjacent stall: Yeah?
(loud hand-drier turns on again, then off)
Chick #1: So did I tell you about…
(loud hand-drier turns on again, then off)
Chick #1: So then I sucked his co…
(loud hand-drier turns on again, then off)
Chick #1: And long story short, I'm pregnant!
(loud hand-drier turns on again)
–Bathroom Bohemian Beer Garden, Astoria
Overheard by: SillyUrn
Girl #1: She don’t have no stretch marks or nothin’.
Girl #2: If I looked like her, I’d be able to work at Lace.
Girl #1 (enviously): Lace…
–46th St, Astoria
Little boy: In the old days, before they had shopping bags, what did they use? Did they use paper bags?
Weary mom: Yes.
Little boy: Really? Brown paper bags?
Mom: Yes.
Little boy: That’s so cool!
–31st Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Brigid
Guy: And I was thinking how lucky I was not to have had a bris. That guy had like eight of them!
–Thai Restaurant
Overheard by: sara swank
Girl: Wait, are you circumcised? In the penis?
–Wicked Monk, 86th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: christine
Beautiful Latina: But my dad getting circumcised at 57 wasn’t even the funniest thing!
–Dallas BBQ, Upper West Side
Overheard by: Ladle
Teen on cell: So, they were going to uncircumcise it?
–Flatbush Ave & 7th Ave, Brooklyn
Teen girl: Oh my god, my circumcised hot dog!
–The Summit School
Overheard by: Michael
CVS employee on cell: Yo, that nigga be gangsta son, he be gangsta. That nigga be circumcised, he all "what?" that nigga fall down, he be "waah, waah" then be be right back up playing an shit. Yeah, that nigga’s gangsta.
–CVS, 30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Robyn
English teacher: Alright class, let us come together and share our lists of literary terms. (pause) Just so we’re clear, "Lolcat" is not a literary term.
–Stuyvesant High School
Math teacher: Does everyone get why I can just get rid of the 8 in this equation? Because I’m just looking for an answer. (takes a deep sigh) …Aren’t we all?
–Hunter College High School
Math teacher: We might start this unit tomorrow–maybe not. Depends on how my jury duty goes. I just need to keep convincing them that I have no faith in the criminal justice system.
–Hunter College High School
Teacher: No excuses, we do not climb the walls!
–PS 234
Overheard by: sjhaughty
English teacher: It was the year after they invented college and I was in college…
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
English teacher: I love going to the supermarket because I love scaring little kids. I’ll be like: "Hellooo little boy," and he’ll run away screaming. Ah, I love shopping.
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Girl to friend: That’s because my heart is filled with hate and yours is filled with kittens.
–Something Else, Park Slope
Overheard by: jayloo
White guy: Well, if Kate* was my soulmate I wouldn’t hate having sex with her so much.
–W 57th & 11th
Well-dressed man to self, after making meowing noises: I hate my ex, I hate that fucking bitch! I’m going to stick a tennis ball in her muffler!
–Bleecker & Broadway
Teen girl to friends: And she, like, gave me an 88%. I can’t fucking believe her! I can’t even hate her, right? If she’d just failed me like usual, I could hate her. But she gave me a freaking 88%.
–Astoria-Bound N Train
Overheard by: Ben
Sad 30-something: My boyfriend’s mother hates me. She hates me because I’m out of work … And I shoot up in her house.
–7th Ave & 9th street, Park Slope
Drunk angry girl on cell: Answer the damn phone, you bastard! Answer the phone! I hate you! I love you! Call me.
–Port Washington Train
Hipster: It just sucks having to change the sheets every day.
–54th & Broadway
Overheard by: J-Dawg
Man coming out of bathroom: Rhetorical question: do you wash your hands before or after pissing?
–Columbia Bathroom
Old man on cell: You tell her I don’t want her using that same toilet brush. I want her to use a new one for my place.
–34 Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: truly confused
Tranny to another: And I told him if he wanted to shove that shit up my pussy, he better wash it real good first!
–2nd St b/w 1st & 2nd Aves
Guy on cell: It still stinks? Did you try washing it? Oh. How about using a nail brush? You did? Well, how much skin did you lose?
–C Train
Overheard by: Davis Baker
Angry thug on cell: I ain’t washin’ shit!
–Broadway & Great Jones
Overheard by: Jon A.
Eight-year-old Italian boy: My god… My god isn’t Allah, right?
Teenage sister: You don’t have a god.
Eight-year-old Italian boy, screaming: Yes I do!
–30th Ave & Crescent St, Astoria
Overheard by: Regardless, he surely has a beard
Lesbian #1: She was straight!
Lesbian #2: If she straps it on the first time you have sex, she’s not straight!
–House Party, Astoria
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Very young child: Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha…
–35th St & 36th Ave, Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Michelle M.
