Girl with camera to group of friends: No, get in front of the train tracks so I can take a picture!
Friend: We look like such tourists.
Girl with camera: No, I swear, if I lived here, I'd take pictures all the time.
–Lower East Side
Overheard by: Benny
Thin 20-something: Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Heavier friend: Unless you melt some mozzarella on it!
–BBQ, The Bronx
Dark-haired coed: So, oh my gosh! Wait! How big was it?
Blonde coed: Uhhh, yeah, oh…he was actually pretty small. Like, I only felt it, but…
Dark-haired coed: Oh my gosh! So, like, how small was it? Like a tootsie roll, or a cat's tail, or…
Blonde coed: Umm…I guess it could've been…maybe a tiny bit thicker than a cat tail. But, really, it was so so small and thin.
–FIT
Girl: I feel like she's really good at illegal stuff.
–34th & 9th
Overheard by: hellothere
Haggard-looking woman, screaming into cell: What? Now you're gettin' locked up and I am going to fucking prison now! Perfect! (sprints out of store)
–King Kullen, Staten Island
Preteen to another: So when you get arrested and your mom asks you where you were, you weren't with me.
–1st Ave & 16th
Overheard by: Wes Mantooth
Female teen to another: Yeah, that's what my dad got arrested for, too.
–Central Park
Teen boy on cell: I get a lot of shit from authority figures. Especially when I'm getting arrested.
–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Overheard by: The Man(dy)
20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
–23rd St & 5th Ave
Customer, after placing order: …with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes.
–Denny's
Overheard by: student-19
Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like…like really dirty girls.
–86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Anne
12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me.
–Forest Parkway
Overheard by: Jason A
Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo!
–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Girl, to herself: What if my water breaks in an elevator? (laughs) Akwaaaaard!
–High School
Conductor, after announcement tone: By the way, this is not an elevator. Waving your bag in the door does absolutely nothing.
–6 Train
Overheard by: you tell 'em
Middle-aged woman, pushing "up" elevator button to another pushing "down" button: You know, I could never figure it out with elevators, do you press the button to tell the elevator to come to you, or do you press it to tell it where you want to go?
–Building, Midtown
Overheard by: Delish
Older usher at Empire State Building: Please step out of the elevator. And as Beyonce says, to the left. To the left!
–Empire State Building
Lady on cell, waiting in line: Oh really? Well, I had heard someone took a crap in a Manhattan elevator!
–Supermarket, The Bronx
Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.
–6 Train
30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!
–W 83rd & Columbus Ave
Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!
–Union Square Subway Stop
Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!
–9th St & University Place
20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!
–Union Square
Overheard by: talker's remorse
30-something: I mean…he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.
–39th St
Fat guy in telephone booth: Yeah, well, Hitler invented the Volkswagen bus.
–7th Ave & Waverly
Overheard by: Mark Martin
Woman in alpine hat to another: I was not about to drag your half-conscious ass around a concentration camp!
–Zum Schneider German Restaurant/Bar
Overheard by: Nella
Guy: Jury duty is like the Holocaust. They put you in line and march you into a strange room.
–Off The Wagon Restaurant
Overheard by: thankfully not jewish
Teen boy: Yeah, after I watched that movie I couldn't talk to German people at all. For like a month afterwards, every time I saw a person who looked German I was like, "you evil, evil Nazi!"
–Bull Statue, Bowling Green
Little boy to friends: And next year, we're going to assassinate Hitler!
–66th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Liz
Drunk girl on phone: Yeah, so I decided that I'll go on a date with you. (pause) Well, I made out with some guy tonight and… (pause) No, I don't think he's cuter than you. He's not really cute at all!
Guy she made out with: Um, I'm right here.
Drunk girl: Shhhhhhhhhh, I'm setting up a date with a cute guy!
–1st Ave & 8th St
Overheard by: amused
Drunk woman: You smell like shit!
Sober 20-something: I took a shower after I went to the gym.
Drunk woman: Did you shower in shit?
Sober 20-something: No.
Drunk woman: Oh.
(pause)
Drunk woman: Are you sure?
–Lafayette & Houston
Overheard by: Luke
