Just One More Hit of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a slight delay due to reports of somebody smoking crack… and other stuff… on the back of the train.

–Church Ave

Overheard by: Katie & Jaime

Teen girl, to older woman: You ‘posed to eat. Ain’t ‘posed to smoke no rock!

–Classon & DeKalb

Queer in RA’s office: Now, when we got there they were selling hash brownies and weed muffins — we were in Amsterdam — and everyone else was trying some, so I figured I would, too. Then we went to the Anne Frank Museum, and of course that’s when they started kicking in…

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Wishes he heard the rest of the story

Man on cell: I know, but then they started smoking crack on stage.

–10th St & Stuyvesant

Guy on cell: I’m at Stuy High… Whaddya mean ya don’t know what that is?! Gotta know where the weed’s at!

–Near Stuyvesant High

Man to concerned woman: Don’t think of it as buying weed from a drug dealer. Think of it as supporting a cottage industry.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Overheard by: amused priest

Posted on February 20, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Cocaine, Conductors, Girls, Gripes, History & Geography, Men, Old People, On Cell, Public Transportation, Queers, School, School and studying, Stuyvesant Town, The Village, Travel, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weed, Women

Wednesday One-Liners: The Forgotten Borough

Girl on cell: He's thinking of moving to Queens, and really I don't think we're going to be able to last through that.

–1 New York Plaza

Pretty 20-something on phone: So, I mean, I totally have a newfound appreciation for homicidal rages. Who the hell would ditch me for some ugly fag from Queens? Seriously, I should kill him. Or, just leave him in Queens…forever. Would that be a war crime?

–Wall Street

Overheard by: …I almost asked

30-something suit to another: I'll tell you though, it's not easy getting laid in Queens.

–Court St. & Montague

Overheard by: Kaiti

Enthusiastic, articulate conductor: As you can see, we're at the 21st Street stop! This is the first stop in Queens, soooo welcome to Queens! The next and final stop on this train is Courthouse Square. Now that we all know, let's be on our way!

–G Train

Overheard by: I wish this guy narrated all of my subway trips

Girl's in Queens for the first time: you can order milkshakes and cigarettes from the diner any time of night? This place is a fucking wonderland!

–Queens

Posted on February 15, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Beauty, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Conductors, Crime and Punishment, Directions, Drinks, Getting Jolie'd, Girls, Happiness, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Queens, Questions, Relationships, Sex, Smoking, Suits, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, War, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

We Blame the Non-Honors Chemistry

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Do not hold the doors.
Crackhead holding doors: Suck my dick. I'm in the mob. I'm mobbed the fuck up.
Conductor: For those who continue to hold the doors, if I see you, police will be called. It's rush hour, people need to get where they're going.
Crackhead holding doors: Shut the fuck up. I went to Cornell, motherfucker. Suck my dick.

–Uptown 2 Train

Overheard by: ED

Posted on February 15, 2015
Conductors, Cops, Crazies, Insults, On the Subway, Penis, Public Transportation, Threats

It’s Like the Movie Hitchcock Never Bothered to Film

Conductor, over speaker: Excuse me, young lady in the pink shirt. Stop holding the door!
Someone else wearing a pink shirt: But I’m not!

–E train

Posted on February 4, 2015
Clothing, Conductors, Idiots, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Are What She Said

Conductor: Please stop holding my doors open in the back! (pause, no change) Stop pushing open my doors in the back! (pause, no change) Hey, I don't want no more people squeezing through my openings in the back, okay?

–Q Train

Overexcited tourist dad to little girls: Alright, Jade*, blow the bubbles towards Leah*. Yes, towards her, like facing each other, so I can take a picture… When I tell you, okay? Perfect. Okay, now blow each other.

–Liberty Park

Suit: Well, it's not very large by adult standards, but it's big for what it is.

–Queens

Male office worker: My drawers are getting tight already.

–Broadway

Old woman: Would you like to give a donation to help feed our pussies?

–PETCO, Union Square

Overheard by: Lex

Posted on January 30, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Backdoor, Clerks, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Dads, Height, Kids, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Penis, Pictures, Public Transportation, Queens, Sex, Store, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Tourism, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

I Had a J in Jamaica Once, Dude

Conductor #1: This is a J train all the way to Coney Island. Stand clear of the closing doors.
Conductor #2: What?
Conductor #1: What?
Conductor #2: Dude.
Conductor #1: J train to Jamaica!
Conductor #2: Dude.

–Jamaica-bound J train

Overheard by: bdogg

Posted on January 30, 2015
Conductors, Idiots, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Talking/Convos

Wednesday One-Liners Make All Stops

Conductor: Welcome to another day on the N train, ladies and gentlemen. If you will look out the window to your right you will see absolutely nothing!

–N train

Conductor on speaker: Kings Highway?! Why’s it gotta be Kings Highway?

–B train, Kings Highway station

Overheard by: I feel his pain

Lady conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. If you need to get to 28th Street, 23rd Street, or 18th Street, well, you’re screwed.

–1 train, 34th St

Overheard by: Nettle

Conductor: There’s another train right behind us. There really is. I can see the lights. It could be a bus, but we are in a tunnel underground with tracks running through it, so I’m sure there is another F train behind us.

–F train

Overheard by: I can see the light too

Conductor: Please take small children as you exit the train… Oh… I mean, please take small children by the hand as you leave the train.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Cheerful conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no downtown 2 train, but luckily we’re going uptown, so it doesn’t matter.

–2 train

Overheard by: andy kleiman

Conductor: We’re not the NYPD or the FDNY, New York’s finest and bravest. Above or below ground, we’re the MTA, and we move New York. Ya heard?!

–A train, between 125th & 59th St

Posted on January 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Kids, Names, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, Public Transportation, Questions, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Parts Of Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Quite Nice

Irate professional woman on cell: I raced down to Penn Station to buy a ticket to New Jersey, and now you tell me you're going to Hooters?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Erin and Willa

Blonde hipster: I knew I needed to get out of there when I heard her saying, "we should go to that bar next because it's near the PATH!"

–Rivington & Essex

Train conductor: The next stop is Park Place. Transfer is available to the a, c, e and PATH to Newwwwwwwwwww Jersey. I also have wonderful news that I am dying to tell you today. All 2 and 3 trains are making local stops this weekend. There are no express trains because of service changes.

–2 Train

Girl, interrupting singing couple: Guys, we need to class it up, we are not in Jersey anymore!

–5th Ave & 86th

Overheard by: GerMan in NY

Four-year-old boy: I don't wanna go to New Jersey!

–New Jersey Transit Terminal, Penn Station

Hipster: But you were in New Jersey when you got pregnant, it's okay.

–1st & St. Mark's

Posted on January 24, 2015
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Conductors, Couples, Directions, Food, Girls, Hipsters, Kids, Lower East Side, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Penn Station, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Questions, Street, Train Station, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Conductor: “I Will Turn This Train Around. Oh Yes, I Will!”

Conductor (in stern voice): For the last time, people, when the lights are blinking, that does not mean continue walking on the platform! The train will leave without you!
Suit: She must have children.

–Metro North, Grand Central

Overheard by: Fresca

Posted on January 24, 2015
Conductors, Default, Grand Central, Kids, Public Transportation, Suits

We Only Regret Having to Reach Our Destination

Woman #1: What the fuck are you pushing me for? You think you own this damn train, get the fuck off of me!
Man: Miss, I was just…
Woman #1: Just fucking what? I don’t need to be feeling your ass up against my hands, nigga!
Woman #2: Honey, just…
Woman #1: Bitch, you just shut up! All you motherfuckers, stop looking this way, this doesn’t involve y’all!
Conductor over PA: Good afternoon, I hope everyone is having an enjoyable ride home…

–Downtown 4 train, pm rush hour

Overheard by: Vinnie

Posted on January 19, 2015
Anger Management, Ass, Body Parts, Conductors, On the Subway

Conductors