New York's Finest Wednesday One-Liners

Black kid after seeing white girl in gym clothes run by: Man, for a second I thought that white girl was running from the cops too!

–Fordham Road, The Bronx

Overheard by: run, white girl, run

Middle-aged black lady yelling on crowded train: Young black men stand the fuck up! Kill the NYPD!

–A Train

Little kid to bus driver, after a police car siren is heard: Whenever I hear a police car siren, I always think that they are getting donuts, 'cause, ya know, cops love donuts, right?

–B41 Bus

Dude: I was playing the new GTA. I drove around looking for my apartment but couldn't find it, so I just shot a bunch of cops.

–Columbus Circle

Cop with M-4 assault rifle (serious voice, on a sunny day): It's raining men out here.

–86th & Lexington

Posted on November 6, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Central Park, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Guys, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Murder, Offers and requests, On the Bus, On the Subway, Pop Culture, Race, Sensory Experiences, The Bronx, Upper East Side, Video Games, Women

Wednesday One-liners for Other Places

Megaphone lady: Don’t buy from Canada! Don’t go to Canada! Don’t support Canada at all!…Don’t buy Canadian beer!

–49th & 6th

Posted on October 25, 2014
Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Crime and Punishment, Food, Friendship, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, One-liners, Queens, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex & Relationships, STDs, Stupidity, Suits, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People

So You Can’t Even Tell Them From Americans Anymore

Teenage girl: I really admire immigrants…even though most of them are criminals.

–Times Square

Overheard by: intern

Posted on October 23, 2014
Crime and Punishment, Foreigners, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, People, Places, Teens, Times Square, Topics

New York Will Be Empty Before You Know It

Construction worker #1: My girlfriend is being deported.
Construction worker #2: Why, 'cause she's illegal?
Construction worker #1: No, 'cause she's a fucking whore.

–38th St & 9th Ave

Posted on October 16, 2014
Blue-collar workers, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Insults, Prostitution, Questions

And a Whole Lot Of Other Hairy Antics.

Quirky 30-something woman #1: When I was dating my ex-boyfriend I felt like I was smuggling drugs… 8 1/2 inches of them.
Quirky 30-something woman #2: Dude, he was smuggling drugs in his scary, scary beard.

–Starbucks

Posted on October 12, 2014
Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Dating, Drugs, Hair, Starbucks, Women

Dude, Where Are My Wednesday One-Liners?

Suit on cell: You know, in the 80s everyone and their brother were making limos in their basement.

–17th & Broadway

Overheard by: Vespa

(obnoxious pimped-out car revs up at stop sign, then tears down the road)
Old guy: That guy's goin' back to the future! 88 miles per hour!

–9th & Stuyvesant

Tough-looking woman to younger one: Let me teach you how to break into a car…

–27th b/w 6th & 5th

Overheard by: Kyle

Russian guy on cell (in Russian): I am not seeing her as a woman, I am seeing her as a potential driver of a vehicle.

–Lower East Side

50-something woman: I haven't seen a good pimpmobile since the seventies. I mean, what happened to all the purple, maroon, and gold? What is all of this crap with yellow hummers and black Escalades these days, it's like all the pimps went to finishing school sometime in 1981.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Graham Davis

Posted on October 11, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Central Park, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Family Ties, Foreigners, Guys, Lower East Side, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, Suits, Threats, Union Square and East Village, West Village, Women

Finding Affordable Housing in New York? Really?

Girl, dejected: You know, it’s just so hard to do right now.
Sympathetic guy: Yeah, yeah… Plus, it’s a felony.

–66th & York

Overheard by: Dave C

Posted on October 9, 2014
Crime and Punishment, Friends, Upper East Side

I’ve Seen You Playing Solitaire During Class

Student: Of course he should get the death penalty! He is a drunk-driving pederast who drowned a two-year-old.
Professor: Oh, and you’re so perfect?!

–New York Law School

Posted on October 7, 2014
College, Crime and Punishment, Students, Teachers/Professors

Wednesday One-Liners Lay the Smack Down

Big guy on phone: … All I’m sayin’ is that’s wrong, man — you hit an ol’ woman, and you’re a boxer!

–151st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Thin walls

Guy on cell: So, wait — you punched her or slapped her? In the face?! Oh. Ow… Yeah, that’s still not appropriate.

–N 6th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: j

Angry guy on cell: This guy laid a fucking warrant on me for beating up crackheads!

–168th & Fort Washington Ave

Overheard by: RR

Five-year-old girl to seven-year-old brother: I’ll punch your Adam’s apple straight down your throat!

–Graham Ave bus station

Black girl on rising escalator, to friend: If he says anything to me, I’m gonna kick him in the ding-ding and then run!

–Broadway East station

Overheard by: Subwaysurfer

Posted on September 22, 2014
Anger Management, Balls, Bitch-slap, Black People, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Bus, Crime and Punishment, Default, Elevators, Etiquette, Fighting and ass kicking, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kick, Lower East Side, On Cell, On the Bus, Punch, Sisters, Street, Violence

The Jeremy-Said-So Defense Totally Stands Up in Court

Teen #1: Is it legal for someone to fuck someone under 18?
Teen #2: Uh, I think so.
Teen #1: Oh, okay.

–7th & Broadway

Posted on September 22, 2014
Age/Aging, Crime and Punishment, Questions, Sex, Stupidity, Teens, The Village

Crime and Punishment