Family Ties

Girl on cell: … That basically means your mother’s a whore.

–WaMu Bank, Staten Island

Overheard by: staten’s most hated

Guy: My mom was yelling at me, and at that moment I became aware of my consciousness. I mean, I really became aware of my being! I was at the top of the stairs, just thinking about the universe. That’s when I knew I really existed.

–Westway Diner

Thug: I’m gonna smack my mother’s monkey!

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation Nation

Employee on intercom: Yo’ mama, call extension 319*. Yo’ mama, 319.

–TJ Maxx, 6th Ave

Punk rocker to punk girlfriend: My mother knows what you are.

–11th & 1st

Young boy skipping by elevators, singing: Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back… [Begins stomping] Take that, mother! And that, mother! And that, mother…!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: SBS

Hipster guy: I mean, she’s a Jewish. She’s not, like, a bad person, I think.

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: …right.

Dude: He’s that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn’t touch women. I think they call it ‘Hava Nagila.’

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won’t go in my mouth!

–110th & Amsterdam

Blonde on cell: I just don’t see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you… My mom hates you because you’re not Jewish… Yes, I’m aware I’m Catholic… Because Jews are financially secure!

–Starbucks, Upper West Side

Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?!

–Judaism Debate, Cooper Union

Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs!

–Party, W 72nd & Broadway

20-ish girl #1: They are sooo funny together! Like a pencil and an eraser.
20-ish girl #2: A pencil and an eraser?
20-ish girl #1: Okay, maybe that’s not the best analogy. They’re like… a stick and a ball!
20-ish girl #2: A stick and a ball…
20-ish girl #1: Yeah. Wouldn’t it be funny if they dated?
20-ish girl #2: Wait, I thought you said they were cousins.
20-ish girl #1: Well, I’m not totally sure… But wouldn’t it be funny if they dated?
20-ish girl #2: Uh…

–Brooklyn-bound D train

Trendy Asian girl #1: I’m so glad that we’re still friends and everything, after I dated your brother.
Trendy Asian girl #2: Oh, yeah, we’re totally friends now. I’ll share everything with you. Purses, shoes — everything. And that was sort of like I was sharing my brother with you, too!

–36th & 3rd

30-ish man #1: Whenever I’m down, I just go out and get hammered with my mom. When’s the last time you got wasted with your mom?
30-ish man #2: I don’t really ever do that.
30-ish man #1: You’ve gotta be kidding me, dude. I do it all the time. Think about it — moms need to get hammered. They never get to go out… Just take her out, get her drunk, and drop her off. It will be the time of her life. Just do it and be a good son.

–Northbound Harlem line

Girl on cell: Stop talking about my grandmother’s ba-donka-donk!

–6th & 2nd

Girl on cell: So, she walked in on me getting out of the shower again this morning… Yeah, I guess I could put a lock on the door, but I’m really starting to think that my grandma just likes seeing me naked in the morning.

–School of Visual Arts

Overheard by: dobby

Chick on cell: What should I get for Grandma? No, I’m not at a mall, I’m on the street… No, I don’t see anything she’d like, unless… Do you think Grandma wants a bong?

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Heather

Dude to hot chick: I’d rather have sex with you than my grandma.

–1 train

Overheard by: bldlube

Guy on cell: So then he’s like, ‘Dude, are you in prison again?’ And I was like, ‘No, dude, I’m talking to you online. How could I be in prison?’ And he was like, ‘There was a computer when I was in prison. I mean, you had to suck dick to get online, but whatever.’ And I was like, ‘Dude, I’m at my grandma’s house. We’re having tea and shit.’

–E 14th St & Irving

Queer: So, I guess I’m officially part of the Bank of America family now, but I don’t really feel like I am.
Fag hag: What do you mean?
Queer: It’s like my mom married into it, and now I’m the Bank of America’s ignored stepchild.

–Fordham University

Guy: I can’t believe my boyfriend’s little brother still believes in Santa Claus.
Cute girl: Why? How old is he?
Guy: He’s ten.
Cute girl: He should still believe in Santa Claus.
Guy: Well, I knew better by ten.
Cute girl: I didn’t. I didn’t know until I was sixteen.

–Virgin Megastore

Overheard by: Levi

Lady #1: How’s Aunt Beth* doing?
Lady #2: Good. She needs a makeover.
Lady #1: A makeover?
Lady #2: Yeah, she lost all that weight.
Lady #1: Ohhh — an extreme makeover.
Lady #2: Yeah.

–V train

Teen girl #1: No! I can’t go, because your mom’s a motherfucking whore!
Teen girl #2: Okay, I love you! Bye!

–104th & Broadway