Wednesday Pun-Liners

Global teacher, about review packet: You must look at my package in order to see what’s there!

–History Class, Bronx HS of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Woman in business suit on cell: Yeah, work is crazy right now because I have a big release coming out next week. (pauses) That’s what he said.

–26th & Park

Overheard by: absnola

Lady in the audience: Which one is Patti LuPone?

–St. James Theater

Dorky older guy to female bank teller (smiling): I’ve got a really big deposit for you.
(teller looks down and starts laughing)

–Chase Bank, 24th & 7th

Overheard by: Joe

Timid Asian deli boy to deli owner: Excuse me, I don’t know how to do number two.

–Deli, Union Square

Black waiter to Asian female customer: Enjoy your black balls.

–Ninja, Hudson St

Posted on July 9, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Bank, Black People, Bronx Science, Classroom, Delis, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Food, Guys, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Poop, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Theater, Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Waiters, Women, Words

Joan Rivers: Can We Wednesday One-Liner?

Suit on cell: So what does he think, he’s going to, like, eat scrambled eggs with these people and then they’ll sit down and talk about it?

–Shore Road, Brooklyn

Yankee fan: So, we was talkin’ to him and we was all like: "Let’s go to a bar!" And he was all like: "I like poetry" so the guys pretty much ditched him, so I was left with ‘im, and had to talk about his feelings and shit. It sucked.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: I like poetry.

Religious flier nut to friend: We can’t talk about that out here because then they’ll know what we’re about.

–Delancey and Ludlow

Overheard by: Adrienne

Student (shouting): Okay, everyone: I’m doing this whole "day of silence" business so none of you better talk to me! I’m not supposed to say anything and I will be so pissed if anyone of you trick me into talking!

–Millennium High School

Overheard by: I’m staying silent…

Hysterical teenage girl on bus: Well, maybe you should have talked about it before you conceived me!

–M34 Bus

Overheard by: nina

Curly-haired chick on cell: I’m glad I can talk to you about my pubes with such ease.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Nipples McFreaky

Posted on July 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Etiquette, Fast Times at New York High, Fears, Flyer people, Food, Friendship, Girls, God Squad, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Leisure, Lower East Side, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Private Parts, Questions, Suits, Teens, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Yankee Stadium

Let’s Talk About Wednesday One-Liner, Baby

Serious tween girl: I wanna get my braces off. I’ll be able to chew gum and be sexually active.

–1 Train

Old Italian man to young, really drunk Asian date outside of a restaurant: So, you wanna eat or you wanna fuck?

–17th & 7th

20-something girl on cell: So we get done and he’s like: "That was amazing. I don’t even want to know where you learned to do that." Is that a rhetorical question? Seriously, am I supposed to answer that?

–LIRR

Girl to friend: But I didn’t mean to have sex with him!

–Washington Square Park

Hot bald guy: I would have thought hurried bathroom-floor sex to have little ambiguity.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Woman to mailman: I never reported my mailman, and I was banging him!

–68th St b/w Lexington & Park Avenue

Posted on July 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compliments, Food, Girls, Guys, Italians, Men, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Sex, Sexuality, Trains Not Subway, Tweens, Upper East Side, Washington Square Park, Women

Babies Are Notoriously Resistant to Spin Control

Overzealous new mother to oblivious young infant: This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none.
Infant: Wahhhhh!!!!
Mother: No, no, no! It’s ok! That little piggy didn’t want roast beef! He was offered it but he turned it down. Maybe that little piggy is vegan! Yeah! Maybe he’s vegan! Don’t cry!

–NJ Transit

Posted on July 8, 2008
Animals & Nature, Compare/Contrast, Crying, Default, Food, Kids, Moms, Trains Not Subway, Vegetarian & Vegan

She Quickly Became the Most Popular Children’s Birthday Clown on the East Coast

Bimbette #1: No, but according to her I can shit cupcakes.
Bimbette #2: Ohhhh. (long pause) You never know when that’ll come in handy.

–76th & 1st

Overheard by: thewallpaperblonde

Posted on July 8, 2008
Bimbettes, Default, Food, Poop, Upper East Side, Weirdness

I Still Think She Was Just Fat from Eating

Woman #1: She wastes so much time at work. Did you ever notice she eats lunch, like, every day?
Woman #2: Yeah, and do you really have to take maternity leave?

–55th & 8th

Posted on July 4, 2008
Babies, Default, Food, Gossip, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Office politics, Questions, Time, Women

Color-Coordinated Wednesday One-Liners

Hipster on cell: Drunk dialing is the new black. Fuck you. Happy new year.

–House Party, Lorimer St

Overheard by: confabulation Nation

Redhead to friend: I swear we always have orange animals and they’re all called Renae.

–Central Park

Woman to man: There are many things to be sad about. The color of money being green isn’t one of them.

–90th & 1st

Overheard by: Sam

Sad suit: Their yogurt is just too white.

–Outside Pinkberry in Koreatown

Girl: Yeah, my pubes are pink.

–B1 Bus

Overheard by: Robert

Middle aged gay man: Alright! I like colored pens! There, I said it.

–42nd St

Posted on July 2, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Central Park, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Depressed, Food, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Grocery Stores, Hair, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Queer guys, Store, Suits, Upper East Side, Women

A Lonely, Malnourished, Mooing Chicken

Woman #1: So I got this veal thing while I was there.
Woman #2: What’s veal?
Woman #1: It’s like fake chicken.

–44th & 9th

Posted on July 1, 2008
Animals & Nature, Compare/Contrast, Default, Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Stupidity, Women

It Was the Maple Syrup That Pushed Josh Over the Edge

Dad, to four-year-old son: That’s great, send you off to school all jacked-up on chocolate chip pancakes.
Four-year-old: Jack up! Jack up! Jack off!

–SoHo Breakfast Cafe

Overheard by: dylan

Posted on June 24, 2008
Boys, Dads, Default, Food, Kids, Masturbation, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Soho, Words

If You Do the Allstate Gesture Again I’m Gonna Smack You

Asian guy to girlfriend: That’s the best part about being in a relationship.
White girlfriend: Sandwiches?
Asian guy: Always having an extra pair of hands.

–49th St Station

Overheard by: missalicious

Posted on June 21, 2008
Asians, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Default, Food, Girlfriends, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Relationships, Subway stations, platforms, etc., White People

Food