Creepy patron: How's the cheesecake?
Bored waitress: It's as close to heaven as you can get!
Creepy patron: Well, people have different interpretations of heaven.
Bored waitress: (says nothing)
Creepy patron: Mine's a warm woman.
Bored waitress: Well, we're not serving those today. Just cheesecake.
–Village Bistro
Drunken fit girl: I want cookies! Or ice cream! Or cookies and ice cream!
Sober fit girl: Dude, you are gone.
Drunken fit girl: No I'm not! I'm just happy!
Guy: Yeah, well I can smell your happiness from here…
–27th & 7th
Overheard by: Probably not the perfume
Upper East Side mom: Jackie, you have so many friends! I'm so happy for you!
Six-year-old girl: Mommy, those aren't my friends. Those are my entourage.
–92nd & Madison
Overheard by: LLOYD!!!
Man: Is this the happy train? (no reply) Oh, this is the depressed train. Who wants spare change?
–N Train
Overheard by: ellen.
Big old Russian guy: So vhy you drink? You drink ven you are happy, and you drink ven you are sad. Me, I am either happy, or I am sad. So me, I am drinking all the time!
–Deli, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Zinny
Large woman on cell: I wanted to suck away your happiness, do you understand? I just wanted to suck it away!
–Grand Central Station
Girl on cell: Yeah, no. So then he pulls the rubber duck out of his (lowers voice) ass and says he loves me. Yeah, for the first time, I was so happy…
–B Train
Man on cell: She said I had to pay, so I shat in her mouth and left.
–34th & 5th
Three-year-old boy, looking overjoyed: I have to go poop!
–Store, 18th & Union Square West
Overheard by: i had to go, too!
Woman getting on train, giggling: I got a question…is there a pile of feces on this train?
–A Train
Elderly man on phone: Yesterday I coughed and shat my pants.
–3rd Ave & Fordham
Four-year-old boy, dancing: I like to move it, move it! I like to poop it, poop it!
–E 69th St McDonald's
Overheard by: Leslie
Brunette on cell: And then I told her, "hey hey, I'm not the fecal freak here. Don't go throwing poo at me." I mean really, I don't even like my own poo. I'm supposed to like hers?
–Williamsburg
Blonde middle aged woman, singing, to the tune of "Winter Wonderland": Walking in a Weeeeeiner Wonderland…
–Food Store, 57th St
Hobo, rummaging in trash, to tune of "Blue Suede Shoes": One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go, cat, go. Gonna rob this town, rob this town tonight.
–79th & Broadway
Overheard by: thevineyard
am New York guy, singing loudly: Get am New York! Stay dry! Thank god you're aliiiiiiive!
–Union Square Subway Entrance
Hobo, singing while passing by shopping cart: Push, push in the bush, yeah, push it in the bush!
–16th St & 5th Ave
Gay gentleman, singing in response to another gay gentleman dancing down the street in pouring rain: He's gayer in the rain, he's gayer in the rain!
–W 23rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Jess
Man to Spanish guy singing "La Bamba": Shut the fuck up!
–51st St Station
Blonde girl: I saw that really handsome guy on the bus yesterday, and I was so happy cuz I haven't seen him in a month. I actually got really close to him, too. But the worst thing happened.
Brunette girl: Oh, that like, 40-year-old hot guy? What, was he like, hideously disfigured up close or something? Did he smell like bologna?
Blonde girl: No. He was gorgeous and perfect as usual. It was much worse. I was listening to my iPod, and I noticed he was talking on the phone. I turned my iPod down to hear his voice, finally, and it…it was not good.
Brunette girl: Not god?
Blonde girl: It was like fucking Ray Romano. With the honk and the accent and the shrill nasal whine! I wanted to die! I wanted to die.
–R Train
Guy on cell: You start dating married women, you end up meeting their husbands.
–49th & 6th
Man on cell (guiltless and disinterested): She said I cheated, duh-duh-duh-duh.
–Church St & Barclay
Overheard by: Robert J. Anderson
Female suit on cell: He cheated on me on my 30th birthday in Nantucket and I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Are you ready to give up that lifestyle? He's wealthy and he's gorgeous. I don't want to hear it." But I want someone to be über-attracted to me.
–19th & 8th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Dude on cell: Hello? (pause) I told you never to call me on this number. (pause) Because I don't want my wife to find out that we're dating.
–6th Ave & 17th St
Psuedo-gansta to friend: Yo, I would cheat on my wife except then you gotta buy them flowers and chocolate and shit. I'd rather spend money on my wife and be happy at home.
–N Train
Girl on cell, doing laundry: Yeah…and then he says that he has a girlfriend and he doesn't cheat on her…so I said, "Really? Then what was your penis just doing in my mouth?"
–Laundromat, 9th Ave & 53rd St
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Female hipster, loudly: I hate those two! They're egomaniacs with low self esteem!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Johnny Drongo
Sullen-looking girl: I guess it's just incumbent on me to be cheerful regardless of the fact that I hate everything.
–Warren St & W Broadway
Overheard by: Tha WB
Girl at Dali exhibition: I hate people. I hate museums. I really hate Spaniards.
–Dali and Film Exhibition, MoMA
Overheard by: Andi C.
Concerned girl to friends: Maybe if we stopped singing Simon & Garfunkel so loudly, people would hate us less.
–Grand Central
Teen girl: I just hate her so much! I'm not even going to Facebook friend her, I hate her so much!
–B Train
Overheard by: Jen
European woman wearing I Love NY shirt, holding Sex & the City box set: I hate Americans.
–Canal & Lafayette
Bouncer: What is *with* you tonight?
Girl promoting free comedy show: I had sex last night and I want everyone to be happy for me! His ball sack melted in my mouth! (to passerby) Free comedy show downstairs tonight! (a second later, screaming across the street) His ball sack melted in my mouth!
–Bleecker Street
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
