Old People

Elderly man to waiter: You know, that looks like 'shrooms.
Waiter: Sir, this is couscous.

–Broadway & 90th

Overheard by: GuyonaMac

Headline by: Bojo

Runners-Up:
· “All Of Us Have a Bad Experience with Rice-A-Roni” – the blue one
· “Bernie’s Attempts at Discreetly Finding a Drug Dealer Have Failed Yet Again” – RaeAn
· “It’s Not Easy Being Keith Richards’ Waiter” – I’ll have the mushroom soup
· “Well, Then You Clearly Got My Order Wrong.” – Timmy
· “Whatever, As Long As It Gets Me Where I Want to Go” – PeterG

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Old man talking about his son: He's got eleven girls at a time.
Young guy: What is he…a dog walker?

–Elevator, 9th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Jeremy

Elderly black woman #1: I don't know why Barack Obama didn't pick Condoleezza Rice as his running mate.
Elderly black woman #2: Mmmmm hmmmm.
Elderly black woman #1: I mean, she's got all kindsa honorary doctorates and such.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Frankie

Guy on cell: But baby, it's a full body workout, depending on the position.

–Pratt Campus

Jogger on phone: I gotta stay in shape, you know? I'm not getting any younger. Even though the guys I graduated with look worse than I do.

–Marine Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: wantsoutof_bklyn

Older lady to young male athletic facility employee: Do you have big balls? Exercise balls? I want bigger balls than you have there.

–NYU Palladium Athletic Facility, 140 E 14th St

Overheard by: JohnB

Large smoking man with burrito and Margarita: I can never work out, I'm too drunk all the time!

–Blockheads

Overheard by: how do you live?

Sassy black lady: Daaaamn! You're making me walk all the way to 45th Street?

–42nd St

Large Latina on cell: So I grabbed the baby and said "Kali! She likes this!" and started doing squats.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Russel

Tourist, before getting into purse-filled van: Aw shit, what did I just say? I said I was not getting into any strange vans today.

–Canal & Lafayette

Pseudo-knowledgeable tourist: It's so strange that they have turnstiles that go both ways, you know, ones that let you go in and out in the same turnstile. Every other subway station I've been in in New York has ones for entering and different ones for exiting.

–5th Ave E Station

Overheard by: Colleen

French tourist (with American accent) to French friends: Stand clear of the closing doors, please. (French tourists bust up laughing)

–1 Train

Overheard by: kdub

30-something female tourist heading to subway: I prefer the Sex and the City version of New York.

–Union Square

Overheard by: E-Love

Old woman tourist: Geez, you'd think they'd be a little more optimistic at the United Nations.

–United Nations

Teenage British boy tourist to the rest of his family, as they pass a souvenir shop: Oh! This must be where Tim got that "I heart New York" shirt! (whole family excitedly goes into the store)

–Fulton St

Drunken guy to stoned guy: I would kiss you, but you might remember.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lo

Girl: And so he's like, "I kissed you on the mouth last night", and I'm like "oh really? I didn't know."

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: jaytro

Dude on cell: Yeah, bro, leave it to me. I decide to cheat on my wife and I end with some stupid whore who wants to play kissie-face in a fucking Newark parking lot.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Cute girl approaches frat boy at bar: I was going to pretend I don't know you, but I do know you, and now I think I want to kiss you. Is that okay?

–Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights

Latina girl on cell: Well, my cousin died two years ago, right, and on the one-year anniversary that's when I kissed him.

–Outside Victoria Fashions, 116th & 3rd

Overheard by: Chuckles

Older German woman with accent: So when she was little she used to take a bunch of sleeping pills and lay on the floor, and she wouldn't get up until someone kissed her! It was so cute!

–1 Train

Overheard by: EthanK

Old German man: Last night those people were staring at us. All of them, staring!
Old American woman: Yeah, they were. I wonder why.
Old German man: I bet they were German too, I wonder if they could tell I was German.
Old American woman: You were dressed pretty classy.

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Jake

Old man: Do you want a pretzel?
Old woman: No, I don't want a pretzel! If I wanted a pretzel I'd ask for a pretzel!

–Times Square

Older woman, enunciating precisely: I could never understand wanting to have a penis. I know *I* never wanted one.

–Hudson St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Chick: Don't you feel better knowing your cock is better than fermented squid guts?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Guy to friend: And then it just popped out of the bag–you know, kind of like a penis pops out!

–Dunkin Donuts

Blond: But baby, the only thing that rhymes with penis is "mm mm good"!

–Restaurant, Brooklyn

Overheard by: what rhymes with vajay?

Little boy: (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis! (gibberish gibberish gibberish) Penis!

–Downtown N Train

Brunette NYU student: You know when like people in junior high ask you what you'd do if you had a penis for a day? I'd always say "piss in a soap dispenser."

–W 3rd b/w 6th & MacDougal

Overheard by: Alan

Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems.

–3rd Ave & 40th

Overheard by: Liz

Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty.

–Wendy's, Union Square

Overheard by: I was starving and bought less

14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.

–18th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Will

Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together!

–49th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: agree to agree

20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair.

–Canal & Mott