Waspy girl on cell: No, it’s totally safe up here. I mean there are hipsters on the street.
Passing hipster (to friend wearing Members Only jacket): Is she talking about us?
–125th & Park
Waspy girl on cell: No, it’s totally safe up here. I mean there are hipsters on the street.
Passing hipster (to friend wearing Members Only jacket): Is she talking about us?
–125th & Park
Shy sounding suit: You know how you get your fingerprints off the gun? You pee on it, the prints wipe right off. Most people don’t know that.
–3 Train
Overheard by: Two Fingaz
Dude: You’re starting to sound like that guy with the gun on your dad’s video.
–Inwood
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Latina teenager to friend: I don’t know why we can’t be having duels anymore. Enough fighting! Just be, like: "Let’s have a duel!" and then go out and shoot each other!
–Rush Hour, L Train
Man on cell (waving his hand around in the shape of a gun): I’ve got a gun in my hand! Oh crap, I mean not a real one. I shouldn’t have said that out loud.
–32nd & 6th
Overheard by: sromeo
Self-important white girl: So then my friends started talking about the shooting up here, and I was like: "Screw you all, you didn’t even call up to find out if I was dead."
–126th & Lenox
Preaching hobo: This year they raise your rent. And the year after. Soon you have to shoot them. You know this.
–34th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Rent Controlled
Man: I understand remembering things differently. I just don’t understand how one could confuse being shot at with not being shot at.
–6th Ave & 3rd St, Park Slope
Girl to friend: That’s because my heart is filled with hate and yours is filled with kittens.
–Something Else, Park Slope
Overheard by: jayloo
White guy: Well, if Kate* was my soulmate I wouldn’t hate having sex with her so much.
–W 57th & 11th
Well-dressed man to self, after making meowing noises: I hate my ex, I hate that fucking bitch! I’m going to stick a tennis ball in her muffler!
–Bleecker & Broadway
Teen girl to friends: And she, like, gave me an 88%. I can’t fucking believe her! I can’t even hate her, right? If she’d just failed me like usual, I could hate her. But she gave me a freaking 88%.
–Astoria-Bound N Train
Overheard by: Ben
Sad 30-something: My boyfriend’s mother hates me. She hates me because I’m out of work … And I shoot up in her house.
–7th Ave & 9th street, Park Slope
Drunk angry girl on cell: Answer the damn phone, you bastard! Answer the phone! I hate you! I love you! Call me.
–Port Washington Train
Teen girl on cell: Yeah, I have a problem keeping my fingers out of my vagina.
Guy friend (to her back): Wow. You have never been hotter.
–Madison Square Garden
Girl on cell: Just stay out of the sun and keep your clam shut. Okay, bye.
Friend: Did you just tell her to keep her clam shut?
–Manhattan College
Overheard by: Greg
Petulant child: Speed walking is boring! I want to be myself!
–1st Ave & 5th St
Awkward teen boy to friend: It was really boring until I got laid.
–66th & Broadway
Chick on cell: How is pantylessness ever boring?
–113th b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Young art history teacher: So basically, I like to lecture the whole first class and bore the hell out of them. That way, everything I say afterwards is interesting!
–74th & Madison
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
Short girl to lab partner: Sometimes, when I’m bored, I become a tuning fork. (slowly hits herself on the head) Diiiing!
–Chemistry Lab, Stuyvesant High School
Hobo: Man, if you wanna get into heaven, you gotta talk to black people. They know where they at. Can’t get into heaven if you don’t talk to black people.
–Statue of Liberty
Bimbette on cell: So she is like pregnant? Like she is gonna have a baby? Hey, whatever happened to that black family?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Bigg Rigg
NYU grad student: Bill Clinton isn’t black to me anymore.
–NYU
Black couple to group of white people: We’re black! We’re invisible!
–W 4th St
Overheard by: mada
White grandpa to white granddaughter in playground: Black kids have so much fun!
–Union Square Park
Skinny, attractive 20-something: Yeah, that’s totally my plan: Get completely smashed every night, eat tons of eggs, then barf them all up.
–E. 84th b/w 1st & York
Overheard by: Holds her Liquor (and her eggs)
Woman in bus on cell: George? George, you there? Oh okay, I’m on my way to the shrink’s office so I can only talk for a little while. Oh no, I’m still not feeling better, I was up all night vomiting like crazy and I’m still ridiculously gassy. Good lord, I should go to a doctor because I also have constant diarrhea. Oh George…
–M66 Bus
Overheard by: Stephanie
Drunk guy: It was incredible. He puked and then he just disappeared. I’ve never seen anything like it. He was like the Criss Angel of puking.
–Outside Lombardi’s
Overheard by: Rich
Girl stumbling back from the bathroom: You guys, we have to leave because I threw up all over the floor and someone saw me.
–Horus
NYU undergrad: So we were going to have an intervention for her, but when we went to her room, she wasn’t there. So instead we wrote on her laptop, "I’m a douche, I drink too much and throw up."
–8th & University
Girl on cell: You ate breakfast? You animal!
–2 Train Platform, Wall Street
Overheard by: Gin in Tonic
Angry guy on cell: She’s a chef! Of course she makes bad decisions… like deciding to be a chef!
–Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Withnail
Buddy Holly glasses guy: Oh, I want food so much more than I want women right now.
–First Saturday, Brooklyn Museum
Suit: I’m going to order some mashed potatoes, with a side order of pussy.
–In front of Macy’s, Herald Square
Overheard by: sometimesdee
Middle-aged jewish lady to other: So she asks me if she can come over for supper and I said I don’t know how to work the stove!
–Avenue J & E 12th Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert
Surprised teen: She fondled my pancakes. She’s a pancake fondler!
–34th St
Overheard by: Chloe
Hipster: It just sucks having to change the sheets every day.
–54th & Broadway
Overheard by: J-Dawg
Man coming out of bathroom: Rhetorical question: do you wash your hands before or after pissing?
–Columbia Bathroom
Old man on cell: You tell her I don’t want her using that same toilet brush. I want her to use a new one for my place.
–34 Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: truly confused
Tranny to another: And I told him if he wanted to shove that shit up my pussy, he better wash it real good first!
–2nd St b/w 1st & 2nd Aves
Guy on cell: It still stinks? Did you try washing it? Oh. How about using a nail brush? You did? Well, how much skin did you lose?
–C Train
Overheard by: Davis Baker
Angry thug on cell: I ain’t washin’ shit!
–Broadway & Great Jones
Overheard by: Jon A.
