Wednesday One-Linerbation

Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!

–53rd & Lexington Subway Station

Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway

Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.

–Queens Center Food Court

Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.

–Penn Station

Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.

–15th St & 9th St

Overheard by: Spicoli

Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?

–R Train

Posted on May 4, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Food, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Masturbation, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Nerds, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Penn Station, Queens, Rape, Sex, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

You Do Not Want to Get Caught in Their Web.

Hobo walking around making gun with hands: Spiderman, Spiderman, Spiderman…
Bag lady, to no one in particular: He thinks he's s Spiderman, but he's really not.
Hobo to hand: She's right, ya know. Spiderman.

–Penn Station

Posted on May 3, 2015
Bag ladies, Crazies, Crazy, Hobos, Penn Station, Superheroes, Weirdness

Might Be the Old Good Hobo/ Crazy Hobo Routine

Crazy hobo: What do you get when you take the lemons out of the lemonade?
Unsuspecting tourist: Um… ‘Ade’?
Crazy hobo: No! Sugar water! What do you get when you have an old cowboy?
Friendly hobo: Man, get the fuck outta here, ya fucking weirdo! Leave her the fuck alone!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Katie

Posted on May 1, 2015
Hobos, Only in New York, Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Prove That Nowhere Is Safe from Our Spies

Exasperated mother to child in toilet stall: Hurry up and poop!

–Ladies’ Restroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Betsy

[Girl is taking a piss in bathroom, friend shuts off lights.]Girl: Biiitch! You know my pussy don’t glow in the dark!

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Lady in bathroom stall: [Grunts, groans grunts again.] [Pause.] Oh my god, I peed on the floor!

–Sheraton Hotel

Overheard by: Morgan

Hungover senior, chanting loudly over sound of own urination in bathroom: Allllllllll riiighty thennnnnnn! Ahhhhhhhh!

–SVA Animation Department

Overheard by: Laughing

Man farting at urinal, to friend at urinal next to him: Hey, man, what do you think about piss farts?

–Kimmel Center, NYU

Overheard by: JO in Bobst

Girl: I’m not looking. I don’t want to see your vagina. Even if we are family.

–AMC Theater Restroom, Times Square

Overheard by: wondering what’s going on in the next stall

[Horrific sounds heard in adjacent stall for 3 minutes.]Co-worker, yelling: "I’m sorry, I had milk!"

–Office bathroom, 31st Street

Posted on May 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Cleanliness, Coworkers, Family Ties, Farting & Burping, Girls, Hotels, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, NYU, Offers and requests, Parents, Pee, Penn Station, Poop, Questions, Stall Spies, Students, Theater, Times Square, Vagina, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

…It’s Extra-large, Right? I Don’t Want To Get Your Herpes.

[Twenty something chick stops in the middle of the store and looks around.]Twenty something dude, who is obviously brother of twenty something chick: What? What are you looking for?
Twenty something chick: The condoms.

–Duane Reade, Penn Station

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Posted on March 25, 2015
Brothers, Condoms, Default, Duane Reade, Etiquette, Penn Station, Questions, Shopping, Sisters, Wishes & desires

What Language do they speak?

Indian girl, speaking on her cell-phone: Jewish people don’t speak English, and they’re great businessmen. Chinese people don’t speak English, and they’re great businessmen. So you don’t have to speak English either to be a great businessman!

— Penn Station

Posted on March 22, 2015
Business and Commerce, India Indians, On Cell, Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Archaic and Bourgeoise

20-something woman to friend: Man, can I just tell you how absolutely bizarre coffee shop conversations are in this area?! I am never ever getting married if this is the sort of stuff married women talk about all day.

–Smith & Bergan

Overheard by: Mako Shark

30-something to older woman: I can’t get married yet! I haven’t experienced even… half of the women in the world yet!

–86th & Broadway

Overheard by: Carol

Tween boy getting into the face of another tween boy: (loudly) I’ll be your fucking wife!

–Morgan’s Market

Overheard by: Akiko

Little boy: We saw a peanut marrying a princess!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: blue

Girl to friends: I think my husband’s gonna divorce me now that gay marriage is legal.

–N10th & Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Non Hipster

Woman in a wedding dress and veil, on cell: Yeah, I got kicked out.

–Penn Station

Posted on March 13, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Fears, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Kids, Marriage, Penn Station, Restaurants & Cafes, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Williamsburg, Women

Looking for Booty, No Doubt

Drunk girl: Excuse me… Excuse me, sir. A lady pirate in the next car just violated me. She slid her sword down my skirt, man! For real — she was a fuckin’ pirate! There’s a whole bunch of pirates in the next car!

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: Jesse

Posted on March 10, 2015
Creepsters, Crime and Punishment, Default, Drunks, Girls, Lies, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Rape, Sex, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness

It’s Wednesday One-liners, Baby

Teen girl on cell: …you just gotta sit him down and say we’re both pregnant by him and we wanna know if we can get along!

–Canal Street

JHS boy: Let’s make like a fetus and head out.

–Broadway & Washington Place

Drunk girl: How could I be pregnant? I like women!

–Times Square

Thug on cell: Nigga, how you been? Shit, I had five kids since I last seen you!

–Elizabeth & Prince

Guy on cell: Do we have to wash you and shave you and put a diaper on you before tonight?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: djlindee

Posted on March 8, 2015
Babies, Chinatown, Drinking & Drunk People, Kids, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, People, Places, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Relationships, Should've Used a Condom, Soho, Teens, Thugs, Times Square

The New Yorkers Waited With Bated Breath, Hoping Secession Was in the Works

Woman: Oh, this is great. We got on a nonstop train to Trenton. Just what I fuckin’ need in my life right now. It’s OK, we’ll just go see our nation’s capital.
Random man: Our nation’s capital?
Woman: You know I meant state. I don’t need comments from the fuckin’ peanut gallery. I went to high school. I graduated with fuckin’ honors.

–NJ Transit train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Another fuckin’ honor student

Posted on March 4, 2015
Biotechs, Penn Station, Places, U.S. Geography