Physical appearance

Wednesday Pleads Down to One-Liners

Thuggish Asian watching Cops in store window: Yo, the one without the shirt is always guilty.

–College Point

Teen girl on cell: I tried biting some people, I got arrested.

–R Train

Overheard by: Jon

Very loud and drunk crackhead to friend: I don't care who you are. Everybody goes to jail some time.

–Hoyt & Warren, Brooklyn

Pharmacist on phone: Oh my, is she okay? (pause) That's when you got arrested on the plane?
(pause) At Fort Dix!?

–Drugstore, 6th Ave

Overheard by: Transit161

Friend to another, yelling across street: Good luck with your rape case…I know it wasn't you!

–Centre & Grand

Overheard by: jzjmrdangerdowntown

Small boy, singing to himself: Goodbye, everybody say goodbye… To Chris Brown…'cuz he smacked a woman and he's going to jail.

–Barnard College

Little Wednesday One-Liners, Big World

Woman to another: So he had this four foot midget, and he was wearing an Obama mask.

–50th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: jellybean

Stoned hipster: I'm short, right? So, like, I feel so close to the ground right now.

–3rd Ave & 11th

Waiter sticking head out of restaurant, to short bald guy: Hey! Are you a little bit of luck?

–35th & 10th

Guy selling comedy show tickets: Yeah! It's a comedy show! Yes, we've got drunken midgets and everything. No, you can talk to me, I'm not trying to sell you drugs!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Avigdor from Jericho

Frat guy to buddies: Is that the place with the midgets under the bar that take care of you while you drink?

–H&M, Broadway-SoHo

Except Get Married, Obviously.

Gay manager: Ugh! They just keep on giving me more things to do.
Girl at counter: It's because you are gay!
Gay manager: Because I'm gay I get more responsibility.
Guy at counter: Blame the makeover shows. Make a few formerly hopeless fashion cases look good on tv and they think you can do anything.

–Retail Store, Union Square

Kirstie Alley's Kids Were Kind Of Enablers

Tiny six-year-old son: Why do I look so fat?
Mom: (looks puzzled)
Tiny six-year-old son, pointing at his reflection in elevator doors: Look at me, I look fat!
Mom, smiling, relieved: Oh! No, it's just that reflection is distorted, sweetie.
Tiny six-year-old son: Is that why you looked so fat in those pictures?
Mom (after pause): …yes.

–Elevator, Lexington Ave

New Yorkers: “Stars?”

Random guy sitting at bar: I just wanted to let you know that your freckles are truly beautiful.
20-something girl: Uh…thanks.
Random guy sitting at bar: Ya, a girl without freckles is like a night without stars.

–Murray Hill Bar

Wednesday One-Liners Without Emotional Attachment: Myth or Reality?

Dressed up overweight 20-something girl to another: We're in our 20s. We're like supposed to be slutty, right?

–Norman & Diamond

Overheard by: Guess I missed the memo 20-something girl

College girl to another: You gotta hit it and quit it, like a dude!

–W Broadway & 108th St

Overheard by: Tess

Janky fat woman: He never told me not to tramp!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Rob

Loud thug with neck tattoos on cell: You know Stud is my son, dude. Stud just wanna hump on women all day.

–Deli, Myrtle Ave, Fort Greene

Overheard by: Myrtle & Carlton

Hipster chick to another: I was wasted! Then I saw him in daylight and said "Holy shit!"

–Havemeyer, Grand Street, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Miss Heather

Lawyerly woman to another: I told him that just because I want to fuck does not mean that we have to love each other.

–Foley Square

Overheard by: Julio

Random guy to cute girl: Good luck, honey. What you wake up with, you're stuck with.

–Jimmy Steiny's, Hyatt Street, Staten Island

Wednesdays Will Let Go Of the One-Liners When They're Damn Good and Ready

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the doors are closing, don't throw yourselves at them.

–Uptown 6 Train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, use all train doors. This is not a high school cafeteria line. Use all doors!

–C Train

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please. Folks, I am not kidding, stand clear of the closing doors. Unless you like that whole cut-in-half look, then go right ahead and stand in the way.

–Uptown A Train

Overheard by: queen

Conductor: We are not auditioning for any amateur doormen today. Please let go of the closing doors.

–1 Train

Overheard by: RG

Door controller: Ladies and gentlemen, if you keep the doors open we will be here till Christmas. So don't do it.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Vedant

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen in the first car, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Excuse me, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not let the doors close, I will bite you. (doors close)

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: amused passenger

As I Explained in My Last Biology Paper

Asian guy coming from gym: I swear, you're like anorexic.
Skinny girl coming from gym: Oh my god, I would much rather be bulimic than anorexic, you get to eat so much!

–Washington Mews, NYU

My Logic Class Is Really Paying Off, Huh?

Sorority girl #1: Oh my god! You look so skinny! Oh my god!
Sorority girl #2: Yeah, thanks.
Sorority girl #1: Oh my god! I saw you when I was walking up and I was like, “Oh my god, she looks so skinny.” You look so skinny! You must have lost a bunch of weight.

–Mustang, Upper East Side

But She Has Fielded Some Balls in Her Day, If You Catch My Drift

Girl in bathroom #1: God, I look horrible today. This is what Madonna must look like after playing some baseball with a rod. (pause) if you know what I mean…
Girl in bathroom #2: Are you really that dumb? Madonna is a singer, not a baseball player…everyone knows that!

–Macy's

Overheard by: Home run for ester!

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