Wednesday One-Liners Prove That Nowhere Is Safe from Our Spies

Exasperated mother to child in toilet stall: Hurry up and poop!

–Ladies’ Restroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Betsy

[Girl is taking a piss in bathroom, friend shuts off lights.]Girl: Biiitch! You know my pussy don’t glow in the dark!

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Lady in bathroom stall: [Grunts, groans grunts again.] [Pause.] Oh my god, I peed on the floor!

–Sheraton Hotel

Overheard by: Morgan

Hungover senior, chanting loudly over sound of own urination in bathroom: Allllllllll riiighty thennnnnnn! Ahhhhhhhh!

–SVA Animation Department

Overheard by: Laughing

Man farting at urinal, to friend at urinal next to him: Hey, man, what do you think about piss farts?

–Kimmel Center, NYU

Overheard by: JO in Bobst

Girl: I’m not looking. I don’t want to see your vagina. Even if we are family.

–AMC Theater Restroom, Times Square

Overheard by: wondering what’s going on in the next stall

[Horrific sounds heard in adjacent stall for 3 minutes.]Co-worker, yelling: "I’m sorry, I had milk!"

–Office bathroom, 31st Street

Posted on May 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Cleanliness, Coworkers, Family Ties, Farting & Burping, Girls, Hotels, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, NYU, Offers and requests, Parents, Pee, Penn Station, Poop, Questions, Stall Spies, Students, Theater, Times Square, Vagina, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Since I Went Into the Bathroom and Adjusted

Columbia guy #1: Dude, how’s your Gestalt?
Columbia guy #2: My Gestalt is in an excellent place right now.

–Dining Hall, Barnard College

Posted on April 30, 2015
Columbia (& Barnard), Default, Guys, Questions, Students, Weirdness, Words

But I Need the Money for Drugs!

Subway hipster #1: I'm totally straight edge now.
Subway hipster #2: Dude, you have sex for money, that is not straight edge.

–5 Train

Overheard by: isonomist

Posted on April 30, 2015
Hipsters, Money & Class, On the Subway, Prostitution, Weirdness

Wednesdays Floss After Every One-Liner

Asian girl on cell: Yeah… or I could just knock her teeth out and sell them on eBay or something.

–Chelsea Market

Overheard by: Alyssa

Girl on cell: And out of nowhere dude a goddamn peacock feather hit me in the teeth!

–Starbucks, 8th & 39th

Old man: I can smell my own tooth decay!

–Times Square

Overheard by: One Liners Are The Best

Lady on cell: I don't know what to do. I'm like nervous… I know… I haven't bought toothpaste in years…

–Duane Reade

Guy on phone: The difference between you and me is you drink tea and eat tofu. I drink whiskey and make people eat their teeth.

–48th & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rebecca

Posted on April 29, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Birds, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drinks, Duane Reade, e-Bay, Ethnic Food, Girls, Grocery Stores, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Punch, Sensory Experiences, Starbucks, Street, Time, Times Square, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

No, I Said He Likes Little Oys.

Airline employee #1: No, they wanted a rabbi who could dance…
Airline employee #2: I think he's a pedophile.

–JFK Terminal 8

Overheard by: lupos

Posted on April 28, 2015
Airports, At the Airport, Coworkers, Dancing, JFK Airport, Judaism, Robbing the Cradle, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

That and Civil Rights; I Can Get into Everything but Those

Nerd watching fireworks: I’m not really into the cerebral fireworks movement.

–The Great Lawn

Posted on April 27, 2015
Default, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Gripes, Store, Weirdness

Because There Ain’t No Dream Houses in Bayside

Tennage Daughter: Would you stop, you are not a barbie girl.
Dad: Yes I am!
Teenage Daughter: No, you aren’t.
Dad: How do you know?

–Bayside

Overheard by: Kristen

Posted on April 27, 2015
Dads, Girls, Queens, Questions, Teens, Weirdness

What's a Nice Wednesday One-Liner Like You Doing in a Place Like This?

Guy to girl with afro crossing the street: Hey gorgeous! Gorgeous! Let me massage your kinky tips!

–8th Ave & W 4th

Comedy club promoter to hot girl: Hi, do you like comedy? (girl keeps walking) Okay, do you like skinny white guys then?

–42nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Galina

Young boy reading aloud in halting monotone: I like that outfit. It would look great crumpled up on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more?

–Borders, Kips Bay

Overheard by: Emily

Fat white guy in Mets jersey to hot blonde: Hello, my name is Tom and I'm horny. (blonde keeps walking)

–Lexington & 50th

Black man to female passerby: S'cuse me miss… Not to seem rude, but to be honest…for a white girl, you got a nice butt.

–5th Ave

Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this last weekend I went to a club…never again. I walked in, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. I saw a beautiful lady across the bar, went up to her and said, "Where have you been all my life?" She said back to me "I think for the first half of your life, I wasn't born." This is 59th, Columbus circle, have a good day, ladies and gentlemen.

–A Train

Posted on April 26, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Black People, Boys, Compliments, Creepsters, Fat People, Flyer people, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Pick-up Lines, Public Transportation, Questions, Sexuality, Store, Strangers, Subway conductors, Weirdness, West Village, White People

Wednesday One-Liners Get Swept Away in Masses Of Humanity

Tourist: Hey look, it's 42nd Street! They named it after a Broadway show.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Really? REALLY!?!

Tourist dad, as shuttle to Grand Central comes in: No! We need to take the purple to Grand Central Station, then the green!

–Times Square Shuttle Platform

Overheard by: D-Law

Male tourist, watching stranger propose underneath Christmas tree: Hey buddy, did you go to Jared?

–Rockefeller Center

Southern tourist lady, as subway stops: Oh no, I think the train ran out of gas!

–F Train

Overheard by: Matt

Southern tourist: I guess the birds ate all the hands off the statues.

–The Cloisters, Harlem

Overheard by: M@

Posted on April 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Broadway Shows, Colors, Dads, Directions, Harlem & Morningside Heights, NYC Geography, On the Subway, One-liners, Port Authority, Public Transportation, Questions, Southerners, Stupidity, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Vendors & Street Performers, Visual Art, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Now Who'll Sell Me My Necessary Painkillers?

African American middle-aged lady #1: So my neighbor said they are moving to Pennsylvania.
African American middle-aged lady #2: Yeah, I know people are moving there. It's to avoid the criminal element.
African American middle-aged lady #1: They are the criminal element!

–M1 Bus

Posted on April 25, 2015
Black People, Bus, Crime and Punishment, On the Bus, Travel, Weirdness, Women

Weirdness