Female conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are stopped here due to congestion ahead. We should be moving shortly. [2-3 minutes later.] Ladies and gentlemen, due to a malfunctioning signal, everyone will need to get off the train, take the 4 back up to 149 St Grand Concourse and take the 2 train downtown.
Train riders: [Groan.]Conductor: April fools! Stand clear of the closing doors.
–4 Train
Overheard by: Mike T
Hobo: Can anyone help me get something to eat? Please please someone, please, help me out with something to eat?
Woman: Would you like a slice of pizza?
Hobo: Not now, baby!
–1 train
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Hobo: I need money to get food, and a haircut and an ID.
Guy: You’re gonna use it for drugs.
Hobo: No! I hate that. Why do people yell out “drugs”?
Woman: ’cause you look high.
The hobo leaves the car, experiences a moment of l’esprit d’escalier, and returns.
Hobo: Well, hello to you miss.
–D train
Thug to girlfriend: Listen, baby, I'm not really lying, fully!
–Ave B & 10th St
Thug: Yo, I wanna go to yoga, son!
–St. Marks Place
Thug: Sometimes I look around and wonder if in my next life I might be a bird.
–1st & 3rd
Overheard by: Angela
Short thug on cell: I'm gonna get you some slippers, mami, so you can show off your feet. Show off your feet. (pause) Show off your feet!
–7th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
Thug to thug friend: Yo, man, you gotta wake up and smell them Arabica beans!
–CVS
Overheard by: freshly brewed.
Thug, yelling to female companion: When you gon' let me show you some dick? When you gon' let me show you some dick? Just let me show you to see if you like it! If not, you can go back to those bitches! At least we'll have something in common!
–7th Ave & 21st St, Brooklyn
Thug, excitedly discussing favorite cold stone flavor: Yo, no homo man! Peanut sensation!
–Downtown D Train
Overheard by: Raven
Woman: No! Do it like a bear!
Man: Raaaaaawwwwwwrrr!
–Queens
Chick #1: Shit. Hon, do you have a tampon?
Chick #2: Sorry, babe. I don’t.
Chick #1: Does anyone have a tampon?
Chorus of women in stalls: Sorry. Nooo, I don’t. Can’t help, sorry. Maybe they’ll have a tampon machine?
Chick #1: Doubt it. That wouldn’t be very modern.
–Women’s room, MoMA
Overheard by: Inky Circus
Queer on blanket: Babe, I can totally have a drink of your water. I don't have gonorrhea anymore. My mouth is clean.
Woman: Ew!
–Central Park
Overheard by: Keith
Chick on cell: It's all about the eyeball lick. Tell her.
–59th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: aenigma
NYPD cop: I would rather lick the street than ever smell your fart again.
–Forsyth St & E Houston St
Overheard by: Dave-o
Teen girl to friends: He's so gross! Seriously, I'd rather lick my cat's asshole than hook up with that guy!
–Barnes & Noble, Bayside
Guy at bar to friend: I can't believe you married a woman who won't lick your asshole.
–Ale House, MacDougal St
Random woman: Why do you always insist on licking my elbow?
–86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jana
Frazzled woman: You ain’t a man. You ain’t nothing but a bitch-ass nigga. Just a fucking bitch ass!
Young gangsta #1: Psh, crazy bitch. She don’t even have a cell phone.
Young gangsta #2, pulling out cell phone and waving it around: Yeah, she ain’t even got one of these!
–34th & 8th
Black drunk hobo: Girl, lemme tell you something. I'm a Sagittarius and we funny as shit once we're sober. Can I ask you something? Are you Russian?
Woman on subway: No.
Black drunk hobo: You look Russian. I know all about them Russians. Matter of fact, I have a book coming out later this year. It's called I Know Shit.
–1 Train
Overheard by: TVontheFritz
Woman: Can I have a coffee?
Ice Cream Lady: You want coffee ice cream?
Woman: No, coffee.
Ice Cream Lady: Oh, we don’t sell coffee.
–Coldstone Ice Cream, Astor Place
Overheard by: Alayna
