Wednesday One-Liners Lick Themselves with Noisy Enthusiasm

Man walking dog: Yo, take a shit right here.

–Houston & Mangin

Overheard by: How about a little to the left?

Woman to her gang-banging pug dog: Everyone can have love together!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: riana

Man to Yorkie, tugging at leash outside porn shop: You don’t want to go in there. Nothing you could use in there… Hmmm, except maybe the rubber goods.

–28th & 8th

Overheard by: Chuckell

Upset man to black lab walking sheepishly beside him: They didn’t want you in there because you’re black, and they should have the guts to say so! We should go back to that fucking place and burn it down! [Pats pooch on head.] Good girl. You’re a good girl. [They start walking away again, and man mutters to himself] Motherfuckers.

–W 4th St

Posted on April 23, 2015
Advice, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Default, Gripes, Insults, Men, Poop, Race, Sex, Soho, West Village, Women

Where’s a Crown of Thorns When You Need One?

God Squad man: God loves each and everyone of you! The Bible says–
Woman #1: The Bible says it’s 8AM.
Woman #2: Yeah, sit down and shut up.

–L train

Posted on April 22, 2015
On the Subway, Religion, Women

It's Always a Good Time to Freshen Up the Sex Toy Closet

Woman: Is that a ferret?
Teenage girl holding ferret: Yup.
Woman: Cool!
Teenage girl's father: You want it?

–5th Ave & 60th St

Headline by: daniellediamond

Runners-Up:
· “”We Got Gerbils Too And… Wait… You’re Not a Cop, Are You?”” – The Drifter
· “I Have Enough Oversized Rats in My Apartment, Thanks” – pestilentia
· “It’s Extra for the Girl – But She Does Tricks” – JohnnyB
· “Naw, That’s Okay, My Possessions Already Smell Like Urine” – Rebecca Loeser
· “Steve Hasn’t Perfected His Marriage Proposal Yet” – Al Bundy
· “Strangely, Also How He Got Rid Of Her Mother” – Samantha
· “We Have to Give It Away, My Daughter Is Having “Inappropriate Fun”” – Gimmy Stuv

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on April 22, 2015
Animals & Nature, Dads, Headline Contest Winners, Offers and requests, Penis, Questions, Teens, Upper East Side, Women

Straight Women Think Drag Queens Are Happy Meals With Toys Inside

Woman #1: It must be all in French!
Woman #2: Oh, drag queens!

–Shubert Alley

Overheard by: Zach

Posted on April 20, 2015
Language Barrier, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Sexuality, Stupidity, Theater, Women

Afterwards I Proclaim, “You've Been Morty-fied!”

Woman: Morty is a great actor, you just wouldn't know it.
Morty: Yeah, I fake it in bed.

–Connelly Theatre, E 4th

Posted on April 20, 2015
Actors, Compliments, Fakes, Theater, Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Women

Another Intriguing Entry in the Bad Date Semifinals

Man on blind date: I can't believe I just went to the bathroom. Sorry, I didn't think I would have to. I guess as you get older your bladder weakens.
Woman on blind date: Yeah, I guess.

–Sushi Resteraunt, 82 & 3rd

Overheard by: im

Posted on April 18, 2015
Age/Aging, Body Parts, Dating, Health and Hygiene, Men, Restaurants & Cafes, Upper East Side, Women

A Woman's Right to Wednesday One-Liners

Angry black woman: Why these motherfuckers always wearing "right for life" buttons, philosophizing and shit?

–Dallas BBQ, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike H

Student: Aborting your baby is so boring now. Everyone does it.

–Bard High School Early College

Drunk loud teenage Latina: Ladies and gentlemen, I am a minority and I have never had an abortion!

–N Train

Overheard by: g-lime

Man on cell: Oh… Oh shit… Well, can't you just take a wire hanger and pull it out? Yeah, just stick the hanger in and pull it right out! Okay? Okay. Bye.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: marge

Fabulous gay guy: So, my coworkers at Olive Garden all wanted to go out for a picnic one day. Our one friend had to work though, so we told her to tell our boss she needed to go get an abortion and she actually did it!

–Life Cafe, Avenue B & 10th St

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Posted on April 18, 2015
Abortion, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Drunks, Insults, Latinos, Lies, Lower East Side, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Philosophy, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island Ferry, Students, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not the Freshmaker

Bimbette: I don't think I've ever been that grossed out during the day. It all started when that woman smelled like pee…

–6 Train

Overheard by: j

Female suit: We were above an Indian restaurant and he was banging me from behind. I could smell the curry, and while he was banging me I was gagging.

–NJ Transit

Chick: You smell like vag and pizza.

–Borders

Girl to friend, after bending head down into her: Damn my puss stank.

–E Train

Overheard by: Nicole

College guy (screaming at friend): Dude! How are you even in college?! You smell like Oust! You smell like Tropical Glade!

–1 Train

Concerned hipster: I know you just orgasmed, but what's that smell?

–E 9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Peanut

Posted on April 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Backdoor, Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Ethnic Food, Ew, Jersey, Frat Boys, Friends, Girls, Hipsters, On the Subway, Orgasm, Pee, Pizza, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Store, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Weirdness, Women

He and the Mattress Giant are Getting Married in Central Park

Male worker: He isn’t here today.
Woman worker: But I need him!
Man worker: But Mr. Clean ain’t here today!
Woman worker whining: When?
Man worker: Not today!

–Electra Building

Posted on April 17, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Blue-collar workers, Buildings, Men, Questions, Talking/Convos, Time, Wishes & desires, Women

If Only the Minutemen Could Keep Out Hicks

Little kid, holding out french fry: Patata!
Hick woman: Patoota? What's that?
Hick man: Little kids' word.

–Belgian Beer Bar, 75th & 2nd

Overheard by: Even my Spanish isn't that bad

Posted on April 15, 2015
Bars & Clubs, Default, Kids, Language Barrier, Men, Questions, Rednecks, Stupidity, Upper East Side, Women, Words