All We Need Is a Wednesday One-Liner in the White House

Middle-aged black woman: William Shatner should run for president or governor or mayor or something… He’s got the charisma.

–Staten Island Ferry snack bar

Overheard by: Stephanie

Hobo spinning in circles: ‘Bout time we got some poontang in the White House! There’s a first time for everything!

–117th & Broadway

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Thug, watching Elliot Spitzer and Chuck Schumer drive by: Who da fuck these niggas?

–Super Bowl Parade

Overheard by: No idea

Scholar: I’m voting for Osama Barack.

–F train

Overheard by: Terrorized

Conductor: Grand Central Station. Two and Three trains across the platform. Change here for the Seven, A, C, E, and shuttle to Times Square. Vote Obama.

–1 train, Grand Central

Drunk guido during post-Super Bowl rioting: I mean, who cares who the next president is after this?

–52nd & 2nd

Overheard by: NCS

Posted on March 26, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, Black People, Default, Drunks, Gender issues, Government, Grand Central, Guidos, Hobos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Parades & Festitivites, Politics, President, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island Ferry, Street, Students, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Thugs, Train Station, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

I’m Not Sure I Understand Why You Ask

Long Island JAP: Long Island should totally become the sixth borough of New York.
Queer: Fuck no! The MTA doesn’t go there, and we all know that if the MTA doesn’t go there, neither should you.
Asian guy: What about Staten Island?

–47th & Broadway

Overheard by: Samantha Jones

Posted on March 25, 2008
Advice, Asians, Default, Guys, JAPs, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYC Geography, Public Transportation, Queers, Questions, Street

Would That Be the “Zionist Occupation Government” We Hear So Much About?

Guy #1: God, I hate the Heebs. How can I join Hezbollah?
Guy #2: Shut the fuck up, man! The government probably heard that!

–4 train, 86th St

Overheard by: waiting for a sniper to take him out

Posted on March 24, 2008
Advice, Default, Friends, Government, Guys, Judaism, National Security, Nazis, On the Subway, Paranoia, Questions, Terrorism

Next on Why Tourists Wear Fannypacks: Scary Black People!

Guido chick: Hey, you over there. Yeah you, ain’t you Dwayne?
Thug: Yeah, what’s it to ya?
Guido chick: It’s me, Gina, from the neighborhood. Whatchya doin’ all the ways out here?
Thug: Workin’, babe, workin’.
Guido chick: Workin’ on what?
Thug: It’s pickpocket season. Now’s the times I makes my money.
Guido chick: Bitch, you best not be stealin’ from my family! I’ll bust a cap in ya ass and then tell my Uncle Carmine.
Thug: Don’t worry, bitch, I only hit on the tourists.
Guido chick: Okay, babe, see ya in the neighborhood. Come tell me how it works out.

–Wintergarden Theatre

Overheard by: Annmarie

Posted on March 23, 2008
Advice, Default, Family Ties, Guidettes, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Only in New York, Questions, Theater, Thievery, Threats, Thugs, Tourism

Despite That, the Punch to the Jaw Came As a Surprise

Tourist woman: How do I get to Times Square?
Skinny blonde: Take a train as far north as possible.
Asian male passerby: You do not want to do that.
Tourist woman: Why do New Yorkers always lie?!
Skinny blonde: I’m not from here. I live in L.A. Everyone there lies.
Tourist woman: So how do you know where to go?
Skinny blonde: We’re all psychic, too.

–42nd & 8th

Posted on March 23, 2008
Advice, Asians, Default, Girls, Lies, Men, Port Authority, Psychic, Public Transportation, Questions, Skinny People, Tourism, Tourists, U.S. Geography, Women

And It’s Acid Rain, So You Save Money on Drugs

Elderly shopkeeper in the pouring rain: Hey! Hey, amigo! When you go home, don’t take shower. You save money on bills.

–Morgan & Flushing, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Erin Partridge

Posted on March 22, 2008
Advice, Brooklyn, Default, Health and Hygiene, Money & Class, Old People, Street

There’s a Lot of Competition to Be Liza’s New Understudy

Man: How’s this?
Woman: Like that, but way more sequins. It’s got to catch the eye!

–Kohl’s, Bay Parkway, Brooklyn

Posted on March 22, 2008
Advice, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Default, Men, Questions, Store, Women

The Management Will Address Your Concerns on February 30th

Preacher woman: They say, if you see something, say something — if you see a suspicious package, say something! Well, Hell is a suspicious package!
Commuter: Since it’s about a hundred and forty degrees down here, I’d say this was Hell. Who can I speak to about it?

–2/3 station, Fulton St

Overheard by: Karen Maria

Posted on March 21, 2008
Advice, Battery Park, Default, Heat, National Security, Preachers, Public Transportation, Strangers, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Terrorism, Women

Sarcasm is His Anti-Drug, but Only When He’s High

Cop: Peace and love, you hear me? Peace and love. Peace and love. Fucking peace and love.
Tourist: I just want to know where track four is…
Cop: Peace and love! Now get the fuck out of my train station!

–Penn Station

Posted on March 20, 2008
Advice, Anger Management, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Default, Insults, Offers and requests, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Violence, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Carpal Tunnel

Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights…

–B train

Loud lady on cell: So you’re the one who sent me a text message saying, ‘A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk’!

–Q25 bus

Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McF.

Plagiarist: … And he sent me a text message saying, ‘I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,’ and I’m like, ‘What’s the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!’

–Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that’s gay.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Jenya

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Cell Phone, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Default, Dildos and Vibrators, Education, Frat Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Holidays, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Penis, Sexuality, Starbucks, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Women

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