Girl on cell: So I was talking shit and then, of course, we started getting it on, like always.
–Rivington & Attorney
Woman on cell: Ooh…somebody has a hangover…you have that scratchy-come-fuck-me voice…oh, I love it!
–W. 21st between 6th and 7th
Overheard by: Charlie Samuels
Bike messenger screaming to another: That’s why I love you. Because you support my drug habit!
–3rd Ave & 10th St
Five-year-old with mother: I’m gonna get get get you hiiiigghh!
–10th & Broadway
Overheard by: evanescent
Mom to three-year-old daughter: Sit up! Sit up! Are you on crack?
–2 train, the Bronx
Overheard by: MK
Professor: I remember this one acid trip…
–NYU, Silver Center
Overheard by: Limey
Stoner dude: I get high to get high. I don’t expect much, but it passes time and it kills hangovers.
–17th & 8th
Overheard by: Lara
Thugette on pimped-out cell: Honey, I told yo’ ass before, I’ll tell you again: once a nigga puts rims on his Fed-Ex truck, you know he’s a drug dealer
–36th Ave station, Astoria
Overheard by: Akojam Milas
Scruffy guy: Maybe you’re allergic to kangaroo milk.
–St. Mark’s Pl
Overheard by: Elaina
Hipster dude on cell: Dude, what the fuck? Everywhere I go in your city there’s, like, no eggnog.
–Mercer St
Overheard by: omar
Street sock vendor to another: This country’s immigration problems could all be solved if they just stopped selling Corona.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Cameron Rose
Crazy guy: Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some fuckin’ water! Dumb bitch forgot the fuckin’ water. Go back up that hill, bitch, and get me my fuckin’ water!
–C train
Overheard by: Chrissy
Thug to wife: Yo, this nigga don’t trust nothin’ ‘less it has an umbrella stickin’ out of it. That’s gangsta!
–Atlantic Station Pathmark
Overheard by: Kosi
Teen: I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin…how sick is that??
–Simon Baruch Middle School
Overheard by: the art major
Random old guy: The only thing I like more than children is more children.
–Barnes & Noble, 83rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Maianess
20-something guy to friend, casually: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl doesn't want a relationship.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: rachelandkaceyfuckup
Hipster girl to a group of friends: I can't date him. It would be like dating a kid, and not like in a really good way. (awkward silence) Uhm, not that there is a really good way to date a kid.
–Grand Central Station
Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can't do that to a guy! That's child molestation!
–Astor Place
Overheard by: inching away
Professor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a carnival operating the kiddie rides. (laughs) And no! I never became a pedophile!
–Wagner College
Overheard by: good to know
16-year-old girl to girlfriend, with contempt: Are you eating a banana? You’re just like my mother!
–AIDS walk, Central Park
Man to female coworker: No, my head really looks more like a grapefruit than a peanut.
–1250 Broadway
From the flight deck before takeoff: I’m only gonna say this once: You have to turn off your laptop, iPod, Game Boy, CD player, BlackBerry, blueberry, strawberry, cherry, and Halle Berry — yes, you have to turn her off, too! You have to turn off anything that isn’t keeping you alive.
–JetBlue flight, JFK
Overheard by: B.G.
Teen boy to friend: Did you know that in California it’s illegal to peel an orange in a hotel room?
–34th & 6th
Hipster girl: I have an apple and some Prozac.
–19th & 6th
Hot chick: My boyfriend actually just said to me, ‘I think you should learn how to shoot grapes out of your pussy!’ Then he made space-gun noises.
–Stuyvesant Town
Overheard by: Argopelter
Girl: I shaved everything off down there, and I’ve never felt so accessible!
–A train
Blonde on cell: What’s aftershave? Is that the thing you put on after you shave?
–The Body Shop, 8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jack Rittymanee
Woman on cell: Yeah, all you do is wear cheap panties and don’t shave.
–Garfield & 7th Ave, Park Slope
Greasy man: Fuck, I have to go shave my balls now!
–23rd & 5th
NYU student to girlfriend: You know, it’s kind of like when you shave your butt.
–F train, between York St & E Broadway
Overheard by: j. asner
Ghetto lady to guy: I never shave my legs unless I’m tryin’ to make a statement or somethin’. I mean, that’s some serious shit.
–Broadway & LaSalle
Overheard by: nekko-chan
Punk rocker with crazy pink hair: And, I mean, she was good-looking and all, but I was like, ‘What the hell do you think I want a bunch of pictures of girls shaving their pussies for?! I don’t want that shit!’
–JMZ train, Myrtle stop
Overheard by: Don’t forward them to me!
Law professor: Sometimes you just want to tell your client, "Wake the fuck up!"
–NYU Law School
Law student on cell: Well, it's hard to locate them, since I don't know who they are.
–Columbia Law School
Overheard by: arctinus
Older looking woman on cell: No, don't fight him, Henry. We're Jewish. God gave us lawyers for a reason.
–42nd & Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: Elizabeth
Awesome judge: If you do not have a basic understanding of the English language, you will not be able to serve. If you cannot understand what I'm saying, please come up now. Now, two translators will translate what I just said. If you understood what I said, obviously don't come up here.
–Supreme Court Building
Suit to girl: You must be a lawyer. (pause) Or a cunt.
–Bryant Park
Overheard by: How did he know?
Thug: Don't say anything to her! Don't you know anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?
–132nd & St. Nicholas
Drunk lawyer on phone: Yeah! I convict rape victims.
–Outside Shea Stadium
(two guys bike past blowing a whistle and yelling, imitating a siren)
Old woman: Well, that about sums it up.
–Broadway & 19th
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Grandpa on cell: Okay, well, don't bump and grind with any boys!
–34th & 6th
Overheard by: Yours Truly
Older lady: I'm anti-tchotchke!
–Hudson & Bleecker
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Older woman gazing out at the pond: Well this is it! Scumbag park!
–Turtle Pond, Central Park
Overheard by: Confused
Old guy sitting on bench, to other: I'm gonna send your picture to Bellevue, so they can get the food ready for ya.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Lola
Old lady: The sex shops came in after the gays moved up from The Village in the 80s. But that's okay…
–8th Ave & 20th St
Elderly well-dressed lady to other (in front of bong shop): This place looks good.
–St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Philouza
Chick: I wish it would snow so I could make a Kate Moss joke.
–F train
Conductor: This is your conductor reminding you to beware of pickpockets. Keep your bags in sight, your wallets in your pocket, stay alert, and remember to kiss.
–5 express train
Overheard by: Ben Arwin
Guy to girl: I’m not going to kiss you, ’cause remember — last time we kissed was before you went to jail.
–O’Connor’s, Bergen St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Joe
Drunk guy: I didn’t kiss your boobs, I kissed your chest. There’s a difference!
–49th & 1st
Guido: I’m not prejudiced against fat chicks. I would love to fuck a fatty tonight… I just won’t kiss her.
–Outside McFatty’s
Overheard by: Liz
Five-year-old girl: Before we leave, I’m going to kiss a boy and get married later.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Daveyy
