All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners and the Utterly Unsatisfying Conclusion

Guy, in chinese: Do you think I'm Harry Potter?

–Vivi Bubble Tea Bar

Girl on cell outside art bar: And I was like "Dumbledore, try some jeans."

–8th Ave & Horatio St

Overheard by: Jean Ann

Cute girl graduating to friend: I hate gowns… How does Harry Potter stand it?

–Columbia University Business School Graduation

Overheard by: Jen

Guy, after watching new Harry Potter movie: Man… that's it? That was a lap dance!

–42nd Street Movie Theater

Crazy woman wrapped in shawls: I'd kidnap and fuck Harry Potter for an eight ball of coke. (to onlooker) Why aren't you at work?

–Brooklyn Theater

Overheard by: JesseJack (I've got a Job)

Projectile Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Barf between the cars, asshole!

–PATH train

Girl on phone: Well… We can cuddle, and then I’ll be like, ‘Get off!’ and then I’ll puke, okay?

–JJ’s Place, Columbia University

Overheard by: Rachel Lindsay

Girlfriend pushing drunken boyfriend through crowd, to bystander: Work with me here, baby — he’s throwing up all over you, and you’re still not moving.

–Rained-out Game Two, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Alison Steedman & Jeff Gilbert

Woman: There’s no better time to scream your boyfriend’s name than when you’re puking all over his bed.

–Party, 16th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: McFreaky

Little girl: 50 dollars. But if you vomit, it’s free!

–76th & Central Park West

Overheard by: Rachel

Lady with accent pointing at man hunched over seat: Oh, is he throw up?

–4 train

Overheard by: fellow rider who also didn’t sit

Little boy to baby brother: Stop throwing up on me!

–3rd Ave & 16th St

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Cromulent Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Yeah, they say that now in France they’re banning Muslim women from wearing overalls.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: H. Chan

Black woman on cell: …and then she says to me “I like that song!” and I go, “Yeah, well I like fish and avocado peels.”

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Fernando Taveras

Guy: If you was dead, then you’d know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.

–J train

Wednesday One-Liners Use American Psycho As Porn

Suit: Did they tip their 45s to their homies?

–Park Avenue

Overheard by: SuperVixen

Suit on phone: 500 milligrams? That's nothing. First, you need to start looking at the definition of possession…

–Broadway & Reade

Suit to little son: I need to teach you the difference between "homos" and "hobos." You'll understand easily, (giggles) …not much of a difference.

–Doctor's Office, Carrol Gardens

Suit on phone, snickering: Your posts are turd sandwiches!

–4th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: ris

Suit on cell: I say go for it. You're rich, she's hungry. What could be more perfect?

–47th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adrienne

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: We will soon arrive in Penn Station, the happiest place on Earth. Penn Station is next.

–LIRR

Overheard by: MineolaBoy

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Let’s go be happy in front of miserable people!

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: Ashley

Hot chick on cell to girlfriend: I am really happy that she is now dating Greg… I am over him… But I am cuter than her!

–X28 Express Bus to Bensonhurst, Brooklyn

Overheard by: PDG

Middle-aged woman: Listen, I don’t need no husband. You see how happy I am? It’s because I have two cats and a vegetable crisper. I don’t need no freakin’ husband!

–Hair salon, East Village

Overheard by: edensnake

Security guard frowning at metal detector: This is my happy face.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: rage gage

Wednesday Takes It Up the One-Liner

Rotund black woman, to no one in particular: I like a hood nigga,. I like a nigga to dick me in the butt while I’m smoking a blunt.

–West Village

Loud Jamaican man yelling to friend: When I stick my penis up your butt, there ain’t no turnin’ back! You’re gonna have hemorrhoids!

–25th & 7th

Overheard by: Becka

Dude: … And then she wouldn’t even shake my hand. I mean, I’ve had my dick in your ass, and you won’t even shake my hand? What kind of shit is that?

–F train

Tween to friends: I told him, ‘If it don’t fit in my mouth, it won’t fit in my butt.’

–Bx9 bus, Kingsbridge Terrace

Overheard by: Krisztina

Angry student: He fucked me in the ass, okay? In the ass!

–NYU

Multiple Wednesday One-Liners

Ghetto college kid: God put me on this Earth to make sure every woman cums!

–Brooklyn-bound B train

Overheard by: Not coming

Man to friend: Being a vet involves more than just having orgasms at animal shows with puppies.

–10th & 3rd

Overheard by: Becky

Queer on cell: Yeah, so, I’m on my computer surfing the Internet last night and my roommate walks over and just cums in my face… Yeah, no, it was totally random.

–14th & 6th

Chick on cell: If I cum while eating, you can bet you’ll get a text!

–Harlem

Overheard by: Hott Bi Luvr

Senile lady with cane, to no one: All you girls think about is orgasms.

–15th & 5th

Overheard by: Morgan

Professor, pointing at student: … And we all know that Kyle* gets off on electronic media.

–NYU

Geek: Every time Darwin mentions the natural economy, I orgasm.

–Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Kiss on the Mouth

Guy: Man, I don’t have any money… I wish I was a prostitute.

–Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Kay

Man on cell: She ain’t gettin’ it. I’ll tell you what we’re going to do — we’re going to fire all the women. The one time a month we need ’em, we’ll hire hookers.

–Washington Square Park

Man on cell: Don’t call her a prostitute! That’s my mom you’re talking about. You lived with her — was she a prostitute then? No, she was not!

–92nd & 1st

Overheard by: Jessie’s Girl

Suit: So have you considered prostitution? I’m not saying you should do it, but have you thought about it?

–N train

Hipster: She was movie hooker! You hardly ever see a movie hooker in real life!

–Central Park

Overheard by: wondering what they were talking about

JAP on cell: Fulton Street is big! Not as big as your appetite for hookers, but big enough!

–Broadway & Nassau

Overheard by: nbtd

Guy to friends at table: My dad owns a crackwhore house, and he wonders why his electric bills are so high!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Genna and Elaina

Man Bites Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: You have the responsibility of perming your own dog.

–Ellis Island Ferry

Dude: … So the guy says, ‘They always think they want their dog stuffed, but they really don’t,’ and that’s why he makes you pay in advance.

–Duff’s, Williamsburg

Overheard by: LP

JAP: I think when I get back I want to get a dog… And then maybe one of my parents could be my intern. — like, take care of the dog and stuff. I don’t understand why that is such a ridiculous suggestion. I mean, it’s not like they’re doing anything of interest.

–6 train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Adrienne

Little girl chasing pigeon: Bye-bye, doggie!

–DeSalvio Park playground, Spring & Mulberry

Overheard by: jharris

Cashier to customer: Have a good night and enjoy your… dog food.

–Animal Crackers, E 2nd St

Overheard by: Sara

Little girl to father: Daddy, can we eat the dog food?

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Yum yum gimme some

There’s a Law Against Wednesday One-Liners in Alabama

Woman playing with touchable exhibits, to friend: You know, we never used riding crops until our wedding night.

–Museum of Sex

Hot chick on cell: I just made a first date for tonight… Fifteen minutes later I remember the hickeys I have on my neck. [Long pause, then] That said, it’s a date with a guy I met while I was wearing a collar, so maybe bite marks are, like, expected of me.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Chick on cell: How can I be a submissive if we’re listening to the Eurythmics?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Hot chick on cell: My only problem is randomly spanking strange women.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Drunk girl to drunk guy: So, after our conversation last night, I Googled ‘circle jerk.’ Is that something you guys do often?

–The Hairy Monk, 27th & 3rd

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