“You’re Gonna Like the Way You Wednesday One-Liner. I Guarantee It.”

Suit on cell, running: Oh shit! Oh shit! I told you! The monks are after me!

–Central Park

Overheard by: walking with bagel

Midtown suit: I’m the fucking Vice President. I shouldn’t have to crawl under my desk four times a day.

–Passing MSG

Overheard by: coasts

Suit on cell: I don’t really know… No, I definitely don’t remember his name. I was kind of drunk.

–48th & Lex

Suit: Well, they had voices then.

–Outside Sardi’s

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Suit on cell: No, I told you to sell, sell, sell! This is important! Listen to me! Wait! Hold on, I have someone important on the other line. (takes out some chapstick, takes his time to smear his lips with it, then gets back to phone) So, where was I..?

–N Train, Queens

Overheard by: Zazaplaza

Posted on July 16, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Drinking & Drunk People, Fears, Gripes, Jobs & Careers, Lies, Madison Square Garden, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, On Cell, On the Subway, Queens, Religion, Suits, Weirdness

Bone Wednesday-One-Liners-N-Harmony

Gay thug: I better be able to attend the motherfuckin’ flower show or I’m going to hit someone.

–1 Train

Thug: Man, he told us not to add more sugar but we put more sugar in that sauce. Shit was panty-droppin, son.

–Deli, 21st St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Ryn

Thug, in high-pitched voice and flailing arms, while running across the street in front of oncoming UPS truck: Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!

–45th St & 8th Ave

Thug, to friend: That shit done tore my heart!

–N Train

Puerto Rican thug: Au revoir, here is my choo-choo train.

–F Train Platform

Overheard by: Garuda

Posted on July 16, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazy, Delis, Food, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Languages, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Puerto Ricans, Queer guys, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Threats, Thugs, Wishes & desires, Words

Wednesday Pun-Liners

Global teacher, about review packet: You must look at my package in order to see what’s there!

–History Class, Bronx HS of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Woman in business suit on cell: Yeah, work is crazy right now because I have a big release coming out next week. (pauses) That’s what he said.

–26th & Park

Overheard by: absnola

Lady in the audience: Which one is Patti LuPone?

–St. James Theater

Dorky older guy to female bank teller (smiling): I’ve got a really big deposit for you.
(teller looks down and starts laughing)

–Chase Bank, 24th & 7th

Overheard by: Joe

Timid Asian deli boy to deli owner: Excuse me, I don’t know how to do number two.

–Deli, Union Square

Black waiter to Asian female customer: Enjoy your black balls.

–Ninja, Hudson St

Posted on July 9, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Bank, Black People, Bronx Science, Classroom, Delis, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Food, Guys, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Poop, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Theater, Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Waiters, Women, Words

Carrie Bradshaw Sucks at Wednesday One-Liners

NYU girl to friend: I mean, I hate him and it’s making my hair fall out but I think our relationship really works.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Man to friend: She wanted to go to dinner on some kind of date shit. I wanna bring her to a bar and fuck her in the bathroom.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sarah

Fat chick to friends: I don’t know. He moved. We weren’t serious, you know? I mean how can you be serious with a man who wanted to move to an Indian reservation? (friends nod in approval) I mean why would you want to move to an Indian reservation anyway? It’s like the projects… but in camp.

–Casa Mono

Overheard by: foodie

Girl on cell: Oh, so you really like this one. (pause) That’s cool, where did he take you? (pause) Wow, he must be balling! That place is mad expensive, yo. (pause) What did you say his name was again? (pause, then hysterical laughing) Girl, I can’t take anyone named Skip-to-my-Lou seriously!

–32nd St & 5th Ave

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Well, if I get sick of you I’ll just find someone else!

–Movie Theater, 32nd & 8th

Overheard by: Happy I’m not his girlfriend.

Guy on train: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention? Sorry for bothering you, but I’ve been single for a year, and that shit’s not popping… So, any donations of phone numbers, e-mail addresses, or MySpace pages would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and may god bless.

–C Train

Overheard by: gretchen

Posted on July 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hair, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Students, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Wishes & desires

Spike Lee Encourages You to Get on the Wednesday One-Liners

Bus driver: Next stop… Moheegan Sun–I mean 5th Avenue.

–Crosstown 86th Bus

Chinatown bus driver: Does anyone know how to get to Chinatown?

–Chinatown Bus

Bus driver: Utopia, transfer to the… Hmmm, the Q, the Q, the Q tres y uno. For all you Americans that’s the Q31.

–Q46 Bus

Bus driver as bus approaches 7th Ave: Next stop is 8th ave… or Broadway… or whatever street this is.

–M27 Bus

Overheard by: JoBell

Bus driver: Can you people please move back? It’s really crowded on here, you might find your future wife or something.

–48 Bus, Staten Island

Overheard by: Patricia!

Cranky bus driver on extremely crowded bus: This is Central Park West, get off. I mean, have a nice day!

–M86 Bus

Overheard by: Cori

Posted on July 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus Drivers, Chinatown, Directions, Languages, Manhattan, Nicknames & name calling, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Public Transportation, Queens, Questions, Staten Island, Weirdness

Joan Rivers: Can We Wednesday One-Liner?

Suit on cell: So what does he think, he’s going to, like, eat scrambled eggs with these people and then they’ll sit down and talk about it?

–Shore Road, Brooklyn

Yankee fan: So, we was talkin’ to him and we was all like: "Let’s go to a bar!" And he was all like: "I like poetry" so the guys pretty much ditched him, so I was left with ‘im, and had to talk about his feelings and shit. It sucked.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: I like poetry.

Religious flier nut to friend: We can’t talk about that out here because then they’ll know what we’re about.

–Delancey and Ludlow

Overheard by: Adrienne

Student (shouting): Okay, everyone: I’m doing this whole "day of silence" business so none of you better talk to me! I’m not supposed to say anything and I will be so pissed if anyone of you trick me into talking!

–Millennium High School

Overheard by: I’m staying silent…

Hysterical teenage girl on bus: Well, maybe you should have talked about it before you conceived me!

–M34 Bus

Overheard by: nina

Curly-haired chick on cell: I’m glad I can talk to you about my pubes with such ease.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Nipples McFreaky

Posted on July 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Etiquette, Fast Times at New York High, Fears, Flyer people, Food, Friendship, Girls, God Squad, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Leisure, Lower East Side, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Private Parts, Questions, Suits, Teens, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Yankee Stadium

Wednesday One-Liner Are Better Than “Teen Spirit”

Lively black man: My sense of smell is back. I can smell pussy again!

–LIRR

Overheard by: meg

Black girl on cell: …you know it smells like straight bootymeat!

–Times Square

Overheard by: patrick

Obese black woman wearing skin-tight World’s #1 Dad t-shirt: This train smells like urine.

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: World’s #2 Dad

Guy on cell: Baby, all I’m saying is when you came home last night, you smelled like another dude!

–107th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: HuntingSnark

Woman to male friend: I’ll just have to call you "anus breath" from now on.

–Jewish Theological Seminary, 122nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Sticking to mouthwash from now on

Woman: I smell dick. (licks her hand, sniffs it) Sho ’nuff!

–R Train

Posted on July 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Fat People, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Happiness, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Men, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, On the Subway, Pee, Public Transportation, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Sexuality, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Weirdness, Women

Let’s Talk About Wednesday One-Liner, Baby

Serious tween girl: I wanna get my braces off. I’ll be able to chew gum and be sexually active.

–1 Train

Old Italian man to young, really drunk Asian date outside of a restaurant: So, you wanna eat or you wanna fuck?

–17th & 7th

20-something girl on cell: So we get done and he’s like: "That was amazing. I don’t even want to know where you learned to do that." Is that a rhetorical question? Seriously, am I supposed to answer that?

–LIRR

Girl to friend: But I didn’t mean to have sex with him!

–Washington Square Park

Hot bald guy: I would have thought hurried bathroom-floor sex to have little ambiguity.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Woman to mailman: I never reported my mailman, and I was banging him!

–68th St b/w Lexington & Park Avenue

Posted on July 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compliments, Food, Girls, Guys, Italians, Men, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Sex, Sexuality, Trains Not Subway, Tweens, Upper East Side, Washington Square Park, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Take the Sex and the City Tour

Tourist to doorman, in thick German accent: Excuse me, can you point me to the nearest Hooters?

–53rd St

Overheard by: jillcorp

Tourist taking a picture of her uncooperative teenage daughter: Shut up and pose, or I’m going to pee right on this yard.

–Central Park

Tourist about to take picture with lens cap on: Oh, shoot! Hold on, I have to take the lens cap off or else the picture is going to be really dark!

–Grand Central Terminal

Tourist girl: I don’t get it, there’s so many suits here, I thought Union Square would be full of hippies.

–City Hall Park

Tourist on cell: So far, I’ve experienced coldness and evil.

–57th & 8th

Overheard by: Lag

Posted on July 2, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Fears, Foreigners, Girls, Grand Central, Lower Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, On Cell, Parents, Pee, Pictures, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality, Stupidity, Threats, Tourism, Tourists

See Wednesday One-Liners Run. Run, Wednesday One-Liners, Run

Drunk man to friend carrying him: And she keeps making fun of my tiny dick, but then she keeps grabbing my ass. Can you explain that to me?

–5th Ave

Overheard by: John-Boy

Man to friend: Ya know I’ve touched both your dick and your brother’s dick… and his is much bigger.

–44th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: bigstoopit

20-something guy: I’ve just decided I need to quit dicking around and buy some q-tips.

–1 Train

Overheard by: drew

Guy, yelling: I did not put Peter’s dick in my mouth. I didn’t see it, I don’t even know what it looks like! None of us even came and it’s not important!

–Greenwich Ave

Obviously straight guy: For a million dollars. I’d suck the Jolly Green Giant’s dick, I don’t care if it did break my jaw.

–MacDougal St

Posted on July 2, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Family Ties, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On the Subway, Penis, Prostitution, Questions, Sexuality, Shopping, The Village, West Village

All Wednesday One-Liners