All Wednesday One-Liners

Sir Mix-a-Lot Likes Wednesday One-Liners (And He Cannot Lie)

Museum patron: Tell me the story again about what happened to my bottom?

–Cafeteria, the Met

Woman to misbehaving child: Jamillah Fatima! Do not make me have to make the love connection to your behind on the C train!

–Brooklyn bound C train

Overheard by: ryan

Girl: Man, it’s hotter that 50 butt cracks in here!

–American Apparel, N 6th St, Williamsburg

Idle dreamer: Man…I wish I had, like, 59 butts.

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: i still sell the iPods

Walking VD: I told her straight up I only like her for her ass!

–Kissena Blvd & 71st Ave, Queens

Teen boy: I’m gonna spread your booty cheeks.

–108th & Manhattan

Overheard by: N

Man: Shit, I’ll eat a pig’s ass if they fry it right.

–471 Lincoln Place, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Cover of People

Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.

–74th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rachel

3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.

–Kmart, Astor Place

Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.

–Lenny’s, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rebecca

Crazy guy: You fuckers don’t deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!

— 72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: emily

Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn’t watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.

–1st Ave between 12th & 13th

Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!

–1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Wednesday One-Liners Say Shabbat Shalom

Confused shiksa: I don’t know, he was either Jewish or Polish or something…He had on that little beanie, you know?

–Gate 5, Delta Terminal, JFK

Asian chick: I like you because I can say all this ignorant Jewish stuff, and you know what I’m talking about.

–Dallas BBQ, 23rd & 8th

Overheard by: McFreaky

Guy on cell: No it’s all going to be fine. We already locked up the rabbi.

–PATH train

Overheard by: He didn’t even look like Mel Gibson…

Black guy #1 to black guy #2: Jews for Jesus? What kind of racist shit is that, Negro?

–Subway tunnel, Times Square

Overheard by: Cameron H.

Hipster: I was at a Klan meeting when I found out I was Jewish. I just about hung myself.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Nial

Chick: They were either Orthodox Jews or Rocky Horror fanatics.

–11th & 2nd

Overheard by: Saran Wrap

Egyptian dude: See, other people in the Middle East do not really hate Jews. We are very similar to Jews, actually. Egyptians and Palestinians and Lebanese and Israelis, all of us make lots of deli foods that have lots of spices and names that are fun to say…And if you are Egyptian, the war does not mean so much. If you grew up there, you grew up with the giant pyramids. You know the pyramids? Yes, well you can see them from the city, and you think “Who built those? Slaves. Who did they build them for? Dead people.” And then things like wars do not bother you so much.

–Pita Pan, 1st St & 7 Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday Fuckin’ One-Liners, Dude

Guy on cell: Yo, did you get me my plane ticket? I need to fuck this guy up and get the hell out of here.

–MacDougal St

Overheard by: Lauren

Metro NY guy: Take the fuckin’ paper!

–42nd & Vanderbilt

Overheard by: didn’t take the fuckin’ paper

Hipster boyfriend to hipster girlfriend: You can go fuck, fuck, fuck yourself, and I don’t fucking care, you fuck.

–Bleecker & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Patty K.

Guy on cell: Fucking? Are you Fucking?…Beating off?…What’s that sound?…I don’t know; I’m out of guesses!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Thompson

Construction worker, building a new school: So we fucked it up. It’s Friday anyway. I don’t have to look at it no more.

–35th St & 35th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Jillian B.

Suit: And now she wants to be involved in my strategic planning initiative? Fuck her!

–Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Brendan Rogak

Little girl, receiving a stuffed frog from her parents: Fucking frog!!

–122nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: frog-waiting-to-be-kissed

Wednesday One-Liners Ask: You Eating That?

JAP: Ew! I think the turkey in this salad is ham.

–30th & 7th

Overheard by: AJ Stone

Sparkling conversationalist: I couldn’t eat for a while. It destroyed my appetite, and it totally killed the tapeworm. So tonight I can eat a good amount, but not a tapeworm amount.

–Lafayette between 4th & Astor

Overheard by: uncle frank

Girl: I hate eating fish, except when my grandma makes it. She makes it taste like beef.

–Central Park

Girlfriend to boyfriend: It wasn’t just the egg roll, Jerry; it was all of last week.

–Washington Square

Discerning sniffer: It smells good in here…like Spam.

–Medical office, Canal & Bowery

Thug: Yo, do I still got mad hummus on my lip?

–F station, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: cara

Woman to little girl: You stick that in your mouth now before I shove it down your throat! I bought that ice cream, now stick it!

–11th & 1st

Overheard by: Jamieson

Wednesday One-Liners Are Into Water Sports

Tourist guy: Every step is a new adventure! [step] Diesel! [step] Vomit! [step] Urine!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Carrie

Hipster: If you drink someone’s pee ever again, I won’t talk to you.

–45th & Lex

Drunk chick: I demand a urine scent!

–Macdougal Ale House, Macdougal St

Dude: I’m serious, guys, use the bathrooms. No more peeing in bottles!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: eviltwin

Woman on cell: Look, I’m sorry I had to use that kind of language on you, but, yo, how you gonna just whip out your penis and start pissin’ on the train with everyone watchin’?

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Juan Chung

Mid-20’s woman: Girl, I had to pee so bad but I figured I’d wait for that nigga to cum, and all of a sudden shit came leaking down my leg and he said, “Damn, girl, you have to get that shit fixed.”

–6 train, 51st St

Overheard by: Jason Labutka

Wednesday One-Liners Are Gaga in Gotham

Ghetto girl on cell: How you ‘spect me to find you? This map has, like, so many places on it!

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: vix

Tourist: But we are in SoHo!

–16th & 6th

Overheard by: Yours Truly

Tourist to MTA agent: Which train do I need to take to get to South Ho?

–W 4th St subway station

Overheard by: Emily

Teenage tourist: Ohmigod…CBGB… BCBG…Whatever. We totally have to go!

–22rd & 5th

Overheard by: zr

Tourist lady, pointing to Liberty Island: There are people over there. Why are there people over there?!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Not quite sure

Jappy tourist: Hey, we’re trying to get back to New York Island; do you know the best way to get to 48th and 8th Avenue?

–2nd St between A & B

Overheard by: Where Am I?

Yuppie tourist: Christina, Christina! Is this Ground Zero?

–5th Ave, outside Plaza Hotel

Overheard by: D

Wednesday One-Liners Enter a Persistent Vegetative State

Hipster on cell: Yo, eggplant can be vegetarian, right?

–77th between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Anonymous Ambivore

Middle-Aged woman: Damn vegetarians, always trying to take over the world.

–Starbucks, 51st & Broadway

Overheard by: Emaline

Girl: Are bums allowed to be vegetarian?

–Chipotle, 6th Ave between 21st & 22nd

Overheard by: Rabid-Panda

Guy: She’s vegetarian?! I thought she was an alcoholic?

–B7 bus

Shrewd observer: You’ve had way too much cock in your mouth to be vegan.

–Outside The Lucky Cat, 245 Grand St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Constintina

Shoeshine man to group of young people: It ain’t natural. Our bodies, they have the hormones to digest meat. If we were like a goat–and not to insult you, miss, ’cause you’re prettier than a goat–but then that’s okay that we don’t eat meat. But we ain’t. We’re carnivores. If you’re a vegetarian, you gotta listen to your body. It’s tellin’ you: “Meat me!” You know, like, “Meat me!”

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: jacqmander

Statutory Wednesday One-Liners

Tourist: I want to have sex. I’m old enough!

–Outside Cold Stone Creamery, 42nd St

20-Something frat boy: Ya know, something tells me my wife hasn’t even been born yet…

–6 train, Astor Place

Overheard by: Al

Young woman: If I were a pedophile, I would be the best pedophile ever because nobody would suspect me!

–6 train

Overheard by: Innocent bystander

Man, trying on glasses: No, these make me look like a pedophile.

–9th Street Optical, 9th St between 5th & 6th, Brooklyn

Chick on cell: Yes, I got fired at my job! Yes, I got fired at Barely Legal! I got tired of playing Twister in my pajamas.

–Airplane, LaGuardia Tarmac

Overheard by: Judy

If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere

Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.

–Battery Park

Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It’s people like that who give New York City a bad name.

–Lindy’s, 7th Ave

Overheard by: joemikehap

Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I’m a New Yorker; it’s practically a requirement!

–F train

Overheard by: Braincurve

Tourist on cell: Yeah! I’m in New York! Yeah, it’s kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can’t drink in the streets.

–Grand Central

Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Laura

Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that’s why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York…except for niggas on the train.

–Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Clitoris Rex

Little girl: There’s a lot of people in this New York City!

–Times Square

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