Guido #1: Ughh! Remember that gay guy who hit on me yesterday? In front of all my friends?
Guido #2: Yeah, but you were wearing that vest. That vest makes you look gay, you know…
Guido #1, indignantly: Noooooo it doesnnn'ttt!
–Astor Place
Overheard by: Bruce Lee
Boy: If my hand was botoxed, could I hold hot things without getting hurt?
–K-Mart, Astor Place
Drunk douchebag: If I was a gay guy, I totally wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, unless it was with a hot chick.
–Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to another, as smoking hot woman walks by: She's so hot I'd eat the corn out of her poop!
–42nd & Broadway
Guy to dinner date: I hate it when people tag me on Facebook. It's like, I'm in sweat pants! I'm a mess! I just ran three miles, leave me alone… You're gonna tag that?! Like "tap that." You're gonna "tag that"? (pause) What do you think about the waitress, pretty hot huh?
–Diner, Washington Heights
Overheard by: April Marks
Female employee to coworkers: Oh my god, you guys! I've got this customer on the phone looking for a fertility jacket! I'm going crazy looking… What the fuck is a fertility jacket?
Male employee: Tina*, you mean a “utility” jacket?
–Bloomingdale's, Soho
Extremely tall black woman watching video excerpt of porn star Marilyn Chambers "self pleasuring": Huh, looks like she's cleaning out a chicken.
–Museum of Sex, 5th Ave
Very round and fat short woman on cell: Next time ya come down to Astoria bring me some ribs! (girlishly) Bring me some chicken or some ribs. (pause) Wellll, bring some tomorra! (pause) I'll be lickin' my fingas at 4:30 in the mornin'!
–N Train
Overheard by: I want some ribs too
Suit on cell: So, the chicken comes out of its cage, and then it picks your fortune!
–Baxter St & Walker St
Overheard by: Kristin
High school girl: I'm sorry, but I was really high, and the chicken was just sitting there in the fridge. I mean, would you think someone's a bad person who kills someone when they're drunk? (pause) Let's pretend I didn't say that.
–86 St
Lady on cell: They eat the same thing all the time. Every single day it's curried chicken, white rice, curried chicken, white rice. I just want a damn sushi burger!
–Downtown F Train
Gay guy dressed in black with painted red hair: So fuck it. I'm gonna make a fetish costume for a chicken!
–11st St & 3rd Ave
Girl #1: My friend looks like a penguin.
Girl #2: Like seriously, black and white?
Girl #1: He even owns a full body penguin costume.
–Washington Square
Woman #1: I like your outfit. It would have been great in red.
Woman #2: But you know, red is so stereotyped!
Woman #1: For what?
Woman #2: For drag queens.
–N Train
Fashion photographer: That's a skirt? I thought it was a hat.
–Fashion Closet, Conde Nast Building
Indecisive woman to friend: I like this sweater in principle.
–Banana Republic, 86th & Broadway
Tween girl to mom: I'm not going to put my precious glove in the frickin' oven!
–Queens
Guy: I'm just saying, he doesn't dress like a bro.
–Astor Place
Irate girl wearing too much lipstick: That band really doesn't do him justice… I mean, I don't think he should have to wear a unitard. And she really shouldn't wear one, you know?
–6 Train
Overheard by: Wants to see him in unitard
Crackhead trying to get pretty girl's attention: Woo gurrrl, where you bin? Walkin all fine. Hey shawty! Girl in dat pink sweater! I talkin' to you.
Pretty girl: It's fucking salmon. (walks into pet store to escape)
Crackhead: Wooo, ain'tcho fiesty! I'll buy you a puppy! Shoo!
–E 6th St
Old man #1: Bill! Look here, $2 pants!
Old man #2: Oh, don't be stupid. They were probably made in China.
–Orchard St
Girl #1: That looks like your wedding band.
Guy: Yeah, it could be mine.
Girl #2: What?
Guy: Two months after we got married, I threw my wedding band into the ocean.
–Brooklyn Flea Market
Overheard by: Ferris
