Your Editors Have Seen All These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watching some porn the other day and saw the creepiest thing! (pause) No, it's not a penis. I've seen penises before. (pause) No, it wasn't an ugly penis. That would be like…what, a herpes penis? (pause) So anyway, I was watching this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it into a vagina. Like, up to his friggin'…past his nose! (pause, then laughing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald.

–11th St & 5th Ave

Preppy guy: If it's made out of brass, it's not pornographic.

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: Hunter (aka

Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: j

Indignant law student: Look, the fact is, the videos of animal torture were not being used for sexual gratification!

–Fordham Law School

Beatnik professor: The internet is only good for two things. Online banking is not one of them. If you online bank, then you're fucked for life. They'll steal your identity. The internet is good for porn, and for getting underwear on sale. Now, I know many people may find buying a brassiere online to be strange, but women do it anyway. Now, the internet is great for porn, but you can't do kiddie porn. If you do kiddie porn then they'll get you. We all know who they are.

–Queens College

Posted on June 10, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Clothing, Crime and Punishment, Film, Fordham, Girls, Guys, Hair, Internet, Laughter, Lube, On Cell, One-liners, Paranoia, Parks, Penis, Porn, Preppies, Queens, Queens College, Robbing the Cradle, Sex, Shopping, STDs, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

HIV Serious?

Sloppy drunk girl to random girl passing by: Fuck as many guys as you possibly can.
Random girl: Umm…
(sloppy girl's drunk friends nod their heads)
Sloppy drunk girl: I'm serious.

–Fordham University

Posted on June 8, 2009
Advice, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Fordham, Friends, Girls, Promiscuity, Sex

Wednesday One-Liners, Cracked but Not Broken

Large woman attempting to sit down: Y'all better slide down, cause my ass is wide!

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: squished

Limping black hobo to preppy white male: Maaaaan…what's that got to do with wiping yo' ass?

–10th Ave b/w 50th & 51st

Middle aged man to daughter: Come on, let's go look for baby bottle butt!

–H Mart

Professor: I got excited because another man touched my ass in public!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Haven't we all?

Seated man to mom letting her child run around restaurant: Your daughter just put her hand in my butt crack.

–Park Slope

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Asshole, Black People, Cleanliness, Dads, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Fordham, Grocery Stores, Height, Hobos, Horny, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Park Slope, Poop, Preppies, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Crazy Like a Wednesday One-Liner

Teacher to colleagues: When a student acts up a second time, I always throw something at the window and then do something like this (goes into fetal position and starts rocking) at my desk. I mean…these are first graders! You need them to think you're crazy from the very beginning, or you'll have a horrible year!

–Bar, Smith & Sackett

Paper baggin' hobo: I'm not sure who's crazier: me, or this beer. It's 23 degrees outside, and I'm drinking a cold beer!

–Jackie Robinson Park

Overheard by: Ian

High pitched 20-something girl to empty block: I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, here!

–58th & 7th

Female student on cell: Did you know him? (pause) Oh. Well, did Kate* know him? (pause) What? You girls are crazy! Yeah, you'd better lock your door!

–Fordham University

Man on cell: I'm feeling pretty good today. That's usually when I go off the deep end.

–Prince & Elizabeth

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Crazy, Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Elementary & Middle School, Fordham, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Soho, Street, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Will Be Married to Supermodels One Day

Nerdy tourist boy looking at display: My depth perception is yelling at me…

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: jules

Pizza guy on cell: Have a good 4th… What? No, I said to have a good 4th, not "may the force be with you." (pause) Have a good 4th. (pause) Yeah, have a good 4th, and may the force be with you. Uh- huh. Good night.

–Dekalb & Hall St, Brooklyn

Indian nerd to friends, in the midst of heated debate: Dude, vitamins are fucking weak!

–Grand Central Subway Platform

Overheard by: djprojexion

Geek on cell, in line at Comic Con: Dude, I'm at the con… It's like, ten times more awesome…than anything awesome!

–NYC Comic Con

Overheard by: RedmanInc

Nerdy guy: Some super powers come with implied powers. Like the power of flight. You assume the power of wind resistance, because you'd get pretty freaking cold flying 200 mph. But no one ever thinks of that.

–Fordham Law School

Posted on May 6, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Brooklyn, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Fordham, Friends, Grand Central, Health and Hygiene, India Indians, Insults, Laughter, Movies, Museum of Natural History, Nerds, On Cell, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Sensory Experiences, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Superheroes, Tourists, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

A Shitload Of Wednesday One-Liners

Eight-year-old Russian boy, in Martin Luther King voice: I had a dream, that one day…I pooped. (giggles)

–Q Ttrain

Overheard by: Robert G.

Drunk bro on phone: I know I'm not the guy you fuck in the shower, but can I shit on your chest?

–Fordham University

Woman on cell: There's no law against defecation.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: SophieMed

Man whispering into cell: I'm going to have to take a number two while we're talking.

–Sunshine Suites

Young man on cell: We're in the ticket line. Are you still pooping?

–Castle Clinton

Overheard by: B Fraz

20-something guy to friends: When I poop on something, I want someone to notice!

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I prefer to flush

Posted on May 6, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Crime and Punishment, Dreams, Drunks, Fordham, Friends, Guys, Hotels, Kids, Laughter, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Questions, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Strangely, She Then Mentioned a “Russian Judge” and a “German Judge”

Male Fordham student: I think I witnessed a girl getting bad news about either being pregnant or getting STDs!
Female Fordham student: How do you know?!
Male Fordham student: Because she was on the phone and I heard her say “wait, that's not possible, how could the results come back as that?”

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Posted on April 4, 2009
Fordham, News, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, STDs, Students, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

What's Wednesday One-Liner Got to Do with Tit?

Heavy woman lugging suitcase to friends ahead of her: Wait! My breasts are falling out of my bra! I need help!

–Union Square

Overheard by: kpan

Girl walking through hall: So are your tits getting bigger?

–Fordham Lincoln Center Dorms

Overheard by: Growing pains

Girl on phone: Take my ass and add your boobs and it's like a wet dream in this neighborhood.

–Orchard & Rivington

Overheard by: Julie

Guy smoking outside Starbucks: Well, we didn't have sex, but I did see her tits…in my head

–36th & 7th

Overheard by: Top Chef

English teacher: We're like cows, milking the intellectual tits of our minds.

–LaGuardia High School

Posted on April 1, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Ass, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Chinatown, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Fast Times at New York High, Fat People, Fordham, Girls, Guys, Height, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Rack, Sex, Street, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Tila Tequila Got Her Stage Name Early in Life

Young boy, about stumbling kid: What's wrong with her? What should we do?
Confident nine-year-old girl: It's okay, she just had too much tequila.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Stunned

Posted on March 30, 2009
Drinking & Drunk People, Fordham, Kids, Questions, Weirdness

Dad Sells a Lot Of Beans in Hong Kong

Stoner girl: After Thanksgiving break I realized that no one in my family ever knows what the fuck I am talking about.
Stoner guy: Yeah! Totally! Everything I said to my dad he'd be like “What?! What the hell does that have to do with the price of beans in Hong Kong?”

–Fordham University, Rose Hill Campus

Posted on March 27, 2009
Family Ties, Fordham, Girls, Guys, Insults, Money & Class, Parents, Stoners