Because You Steal Kids from Orphanages?

Jewish girl: That reminds me of this old Jewish story. Like, there was this queen with seven sons and she had to decide which one would be king, so she told all of them to go bring her a great treasure and they all came back with like gold and jewels but then the youngest one came back with this little orphan girl and he's like “Oh, she just needs love,” so the mom is like, “yes, you shall be king!”
(entire class is silent)
Random guy: Wait…what?
Jewish boy: This is why we're oppressed.

–Stuyvesant High School

Posted on January 23, 2009
Family Ties, Guys, Jews, Judaism, Love, Stuyvesant, Weirdness

Holy Wednesday One-Liners, Batman!

Agitated man: God gave you a penis and a road map to the world! You don't need maps!

–Washington Square & University Place

Tween: God wants me to get drunk tonight!

–3rd & Mercer

Four-year-old child to mother: Mommy! We have to go to church on Sunday. God is going to repent us on Sunday!

–R Train

Overheard by: Marie

Hobo: And then I fucked god!

–Heckscher Playground, Central Park

Overheard by: Shiki

Jewish girl to friend: Oy! My bagel looks like god jerked off on it.

–Guy & Gallards, 34th & Lexington

Overheard by: Awkwardly eating his breakfast

Drunk girl to drunk friend crying on her coat: It's always so hard when you lose your soulmate in the bathroom line, but it's like, god works in mysterious ways, you know.

–W Train

Overheard by: Wes

Posted on January 7, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Church, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Friends, Girls, God, Hobos, Jews, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Masturbation, Men, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Sex, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Tweens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

If the Chosen Can't Be Choosy, Who Can?

Upper West Side woman #1: I keep kosher.
Upper West Side woman #2: What about the pork chop and the shrimp?
Upper West Side woman #1: Except for that. And bacon, too.

–Lincoln Towers

Posted on December 13, 2008
Food, Jews, Judaism, Kosher food, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Little Benny Wouldn't Mellow Out 'Til He Teamed Up with Jerry

Man to young son on Yom Kippur services: Listen, Benny, if you don't sit in services, god is going to write your name in the book of death.
Benny: Book of death! Book of death!

–Congregation B'nai Israel

Posted on November 11, 2008
Dads, Education, God, Jews, Judaism, Kids, Threats

Wednesday One-Liners Dig Deuteronomy

Old Jewish woman at the start of Yom Kippur: I think god wants me to be in a theater rather than in temple.

–45th & 8th

Little boy to friend: It wasn't until last year that I realized that not everybody is Jews!

–Near Columbia

Overheard by: CSims

Gym receptionist discussing television series Mad Men: It's sexist against women…and Jews, too!

–10th & 7th

Overheard by: Zack

Elderly Jewish woman, in hushed voice, to elderly Jewish man: My rabbi is an atheist who lives in Israel! What can you say?

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: Rabbi's Agnostic daughter

Goyish looking guy with toddler in stroller: Well, you know the Hebrews always like to celebrate the New Year–especially in a year that ends in '69, if you know what I mean.

–Mercer & Broome

Overheard by: Garuda

Woman on cell: We're on the bus run by Hassidic Jews, ya know, like Woody Allen… It's like the Jewish express!… Nah, I'm covering up the phone so no one hears me.

–Vamoose Bus, Penn Station

Posted on October 29, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn College, Bus, Clerks, Columbia University, Dads, Friends, Gender issues, Jews, Judaism, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Public Transportation, Shiksas (& other Gentiles), Soho, Street, Stupidity, Theater & Dance, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

The Final Solution to Wednesday One-Liners

Waiter delivering German chocolate cake (deadpan): Sieg heil!

–Junior's, Shubert Alley

Overheard by: Anne Frank

80-something Jewish grandmother to shocked-looking teenage granddaughter: And your grandfather came here from Germany when the Nazis came to power. And I met him at a party and we got married and had your mother. So in other words, young lady, you owe your life to Adolf Hitler.

–The Jewish Museum

Female passer-by: She thought "Adolf Hitler" was a book by Mein Kampf!

–110 & Broadway

Overheard by: Matthew Krenz

Guy to coworker: You just missed some guy comparing our guest sign-in policy to Hitler's final solution.

–Coles Gym, NYU

Guy on cell: I'm not saying that others are Nazi supporters, I'm just saying Hillary Clinton does not support Nazis. Or their supporters.

–Virgin Megastore, Times Square

Overheard by: about to support one

Posted on September 3, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Guys, Gyms, Hitler/Nazis, Jews, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, On Cell, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Strangers, Stupidity, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women, Words

It'd Be Hard to Ketchup

(large Russian woman walks by and says hi)
Old Jewish guy #1: Waddya think of her? She's Russian, right?
Old Jewish guy #2: Yeah, yeah, you can tell. I don't go for that, though. She's a big broad, real chunky. She's like a big tomato.

–Sheep's Meadow, Central Park

Overheard by: makes me hungry…

Posted on August 30, 2008
Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Default, Global Geography, Guys, Jews, Old People, Physical appearance, Questions, Trees and plants

While Wasps Prefer Boring

Jew boy: So wait… When Israelis talk to boring people they're just like, “You're boring. I hate you.”?”
Jew chick (nodding enthusiastically): Yeah!

–87th & Lexington

Overheard by: MacDutchman

Posted on August 21, 2008
Boys, Default, Etiquette, Girls, Insults, Jews, Questions, Upper East Side, Weirdness

Yo Quiero Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to male teacher: I thought you were a middle aged Latino woman.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Alex and Colin

Chubby Latino: I don't want to go there. It'll just be a bunch of angry Dominicans throwing tables.

–Cooper Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Drunken lady, sitting uninvited at a Hispanic family table: Cinco cuatro cinco… en Chicago. I have a business at 545 Chicago. In Chicago. I am a successful woman. Stay in school, sweetie. Learn your math and arithmetic… Yes, your math, and your arithmetic. And be good to your mommy. You only have one mommy, so be good to her. Alright, ciao, guys. Adios, coco! What? A cab? No, no, I'm fine.

–Pio Pio Restaurant, 91st & 1st

Overheard by: HJWC

Hasidic Jew answering cell: Hola? Hola? Hola!

–30 Rock

Overheard by: Micky

Bespectacled man on cell, walking a dog: And I owe it all to the politically incorrect Frito Bandito.

–Bryant Park

Posted on August 20, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Business and Commerce, Drunks, Education, Fat People, Fears, Fordham, Gender issues, Jews, Languages, Latinos, Men, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Parents, Parks, Physical appearance, Pop Culture, Restaurants & Cafes, Rockefeller Center, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women