The Final Solution to Wednesday One-Liners

Waiter delivering German chocolate cake (deadpan): Sieg heil!

–Junior's, Shubert Alley

Overheard by: Anne Frank

80-something Jewish grandmother to shocked-looking teenage granddaughter: And your grandfather came here from Germany when the Nazis came to power. And I met him at a party and we got married and had your mother. So in other words, young lady, you owe your life to Adolf Hitler.

–The Jewish Museum

Female passer-by: She thought "Adolf Hitler" was a book by Mein Kampf!

–110 & Broadway

Overheard by: Matthew Krenz

Guy to coworker: You just missed some guy comparing our guest sign-in policy to Hitler's final solution.

–Coles Gym, NYU

Guy on cell: I'm not saying that others are Nazi supporters, I'm just saying Hillary Clinton does not support Nazis. Or their supporters.

–Virgin Megastore, Times Square

Overheard by: about to support one

Posted on September 3, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Guys, Gyms, Hitler/Nazis, Jews, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, On Cell, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Strangers, Stupidity, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women, Words

It'd Be Hard to Ketchup

(large Russian woman walks by and says hi)
Old Jewish guy #1: Waddya think of her? She's Russian, right?
Old Jewish guy #2: Yeah, yeah, you can tell. I don't go for that, though. She's a big broad, real chunky. She's like a big tomato.

–Sheep's Meadow, Central Park

Overheard by: makes me hungry…

Posted on August 30, 2008
Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Default, Global Geography, Guys, Jews, Old People, Physical appearance, Questions, Trees and plants

While Wasps Prefer Boring

Jew boy: So wait… When Israelis talk to boring people they're just like, “You're boring. I hate you.”?”
Jew chick (nodding enthusiastically): Yeah!

–87th & Lexington

Overheard by: MacDutchman

Posted on August 21, 2008
Boys, Default, Etiquette, Girls, Insults, Jews, Questions, Upper East Side, Weirdness

Yo Quiero Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to male teacher: I thought you were a middle aged Latino woman.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Alex and Colin

Chubby Latino: I don't want to go there. It'll just be a bunch of angry Dominicans throwing tables.

–Cooper Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Drunken lady, sitting uninvited at a Hispanic family table: Cinco cuatro cinco… en Chicago. I have a business at 545 Chicago. In Chicago. I am a successful woman. Stay in school, sweetie. Learn your math and arithmetic… Yes, your math, and your arithmetic. And be good to your mommy. You only have one mommy, so be good to her. Alright, ciao, guys. Adios, coco! What? A cab? No, no, I'm fine.

–Pio Pio Restaurant, 91st & 1st

Overheard by: HJWC

Hasidic Jew answering cell: Hola? Hola? Hola!

–30 Rock

Overheard by: Micky

Bespectacled man on cell, walking a dog: And I owe it all to the politically incorrect Frito Bandito.

–Bryant Park

Posted on August 20, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Business and Commerce, Drunks, Education, Fat People, Fears, Fordham, Gender issues, Jews, Languages, Latinos, Men, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Parents, Parks, Physical appearance, Pop Culture, Restaurants & Cafes, Rockefeller Center, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

The Seldom-Sung Prelude to “I Feel Pretty”

Black guy to Jewish guy: Hey man, you look pretty Jewish.
Jewish guy: Yeah, I know. You look pretty black.

–St. Mark's Place

Posted on August 14, 2008
Black People, Default, Guys, Jews, Judaism, Physical appearance, Race, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday A1 Liners

Crazy hobo: Taco Bell is outta meat. Taco Bell… Is outta meat. I ask for a taco, they say, "We outta meat." What the fuck!? How you run outta meat at Taco Bell? You don't see me runnin' outta weed! Shit. Taco Bell is outta meat.

–Wendy's, 14th Street

Overheard by: Zack

Curious teenage girl: What is that on the floor? Ew! I hate when people leave bags of meat on the subway!

–R Train

Jewish lawyer, answering his desk phone: Weinstein's house of kosher pork. How may I direct your call?

–Newsroom, Midtown

Preppy teen: I am like, a total whore for salami.

–280th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: casayoto

Woman on cell talking about her upcoming weekend: Mah husband's gone, my kids is gone, I'm jus' goin' lie on the floor and eat some baloney. Mmm hmm. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Das' right. I'm gonna eat some baloney, and some cheese?-I'm goin' make myself a baloney sandwich.

–4th St Station

Overheard by: Jess

Posted on August 13, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Ethnic Food, Girls, Gripes, Hobos, Jews, Judaism, Junk Food & Fast Food, Lawyers, Leisure, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Preppies, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Teens, Weed, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Armored Bears Are Really a Last Resort

Small child in yarmulke: Mom, why are the bears in armor fighting?
Mother in stockings and wig: I don’t know why, but that’s not very nice. Jews don’t do this, we solve our problems by talking.

–AMC Theatre

Overheard by: bryan

Posted on July 17, 2008
Animals & Nature, Compare/Contrast, Default, Jewish Moms, Jews, Judaism, Kids, Movie Theaters, Movies, Questions

Antisemitic Mirror on the Wall/ Who’s the Chubbiest Jew of All?

(in line outside a bar)
Scantily clad chick #1: Ugh, I’m such a chubby Jew!
Scantily clad chick #2: No you’re not, you’re like, so pretty, and you don’t even wear makeup. I’m a chubby Jew!

–Rivington b/w Essex & Norfolk

Overheard by: Harrison

Posted on June 20, 2008
Beauty, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Girls, Jews, Judaism, Lower East Side, Physical appearance

Wednesday One-Liners, Fresh from the Oven

Girl on cell: You ate breakfast? You animal!

–2 Train Platform, Wall Street

Overheard by: Gin in Tonic

Angry guy on cell: She’s a chef! Of course she makes bad decisions… like deciding to be a chef!

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Withnail

Buddy Holly glasses guy: Oh, I want food so much more than I want women right now.

–First Saturday, Brooklyn Museum

Suit: I’m going to order some mashed potatoes, with a side order of pussy.

–In front of Macy’s, Herald Square

Overheard by: sometimesdee

Middle-aged jewish lady to other: So she asks me if she can come over for supper and I said I don’t know how to work the stove!

–Avenue J & E 12th Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Robert

Surprised teen: She fondled my pancakes. She’s a pancake fondler!

–34th St

Overheard by: Chloe

Posted on June 18, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Food, Girls, Guys, Jews, Jobs & Careers, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, Teens, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

You Can’t Choose Your Wednesday One-Liners

Jewish girl: I think my family likes me because I will fulfill my potential to be a pompous ass.

–NYU Bobst Library

Thirty-something Hispanic woman: All my nephews are boys… All of them.

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Suze V

Girl on cell: Well then maybe you shouldn’t have fucked my sister!

–70 & Broadway

Girl on cell: …The half-Asian, half-Jewish guy. And she’s like: "My brother is so pissed at me!" and I’m like: "Of course he’s pissed, you’ve gotten with six of his friends."

–St. John’s University

Overheard by: Peter G

Guy: I’ve seen my sister-in law’s titties so many times…

–Yankee Stadium

Girl on cell: So the little girl at the wedding was like: "Are you guys brothers?" And I was like: "No, we fuck".

–24th St b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Amy

Posted on June 11, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Jews, Judaism, Latinos, Library, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Nipples, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, Promiscuity, Queens, Race, Sex, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Women, Words, Yankee Stadium