Tourist: Huh, I could have sworn he'd be here!
Cop, looking around: Can I help you, miss?
Tourist: Yeah, I'm looking for a guy.
Cop: Okay?
Tourist: Should be wearing tighty whities…cowboy hat.
(cop sighs, pointing to his left)
Tourist: Thanks!
–Times Square
Cop: You can't go this way.
Driver: Shut the fuck up, asshole.
Cop: Tell it to your wife, buddy.
–17th & 2nd
Country gent with thick drawl: I need tickets for two seniors and two adults, please.
MTA booth worker: Okay, where you goin?
Country gent with thick drawl: My son's house.
MTA booth worker: What train station?
Country gent with thick drawl: I dunno, does “Hartford” sound about right?
–Harlem 125th Street Metro North Station
Loud girl: I'm not gonna move in with him until he gets rid of that damn dog! I'm not gonna let him pull a fast one on me. I'm not commuting two hours to work while that dog lies around the house all day. Hell no! He better get that damn dog euthanized.
Tired-looking, quiet older woman: Sounds like you got him all figured out.
–6 Train
Man in cast: Nah man, I can't I don't have health insurance.
Creepy man: You don't have health insurance?! I can get it for you! Just give me your social security number!
Man in cast: Oh yeah?
–East Village
Overheard by: Gina
Little girl: Mommy, you can bite my ear.
Ghetto mama: Huh?
Little girl: You want to bite my ear?
Ghetto mama: No!
Little girl: Come on mommy, bite my ear!
Ghetto mama: Goddamn it child, no!
–6 Train
Overheard by: Barnard girl
Panhandler: Are there any Christians here who could help me out? Any Christians who can spare just one penny? (no one gives him any money, so he goes to next car)
Panhandler (muttering) I can't believe there's not one Christian who'll help me out.
Man standing nearby (yelling): Amateur!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Iris K
Shady guy rolling an oriental rug on a hand truck: New rug! Good price I give you!
Couple standing outside: Nah, that's okay.
Shady guy: It's brand new! You can make love on it!
–Madison Ave & 28th St
Overheard by: Marie Z.
30-something guy to another: She works for Sesame Street so she gets a lot of free underwear.
–Brooklyn Label, Greenpoint
Girl: Yeah, dude. She wasn't wearing any underwear so everyone was trying to pull down her skirt!
–St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Mollie
Tourist mom in matching pink jumpsuit, struggling with too many children: Oh my Jesus, I wore the wrong thong today!
–42nd St
Overheard by: Emily
Puzzled hipster on cell: Wait…how did wearing a thong fuck up her eye?
–7th St & Ave A
Hipster girl on cell: Did you get your underwear? Lindsey! Goddamn it! "Eat" sounds nothing like "get!" Fuck! What? Fuck you, bitch! Taste of my own medicine, bullshit! I heard nothing about gnawing on my own underwear!
–Baskin-Robbins, Mulberry
Overheard by: Hana
Very blond mother pushing baby carriage, on cell: I don't care, we've talked about this! Don't fucking touch my underwear!
–20th St & 7th Ave
Girl yelling at guy wearing ridiculously oversized shorts: Eat my shit out the toilet! Stew my shit and eat it!
–109th & Manhattan
Random girl: The only thing is, you have to flush your own toilet paper.
–Brooklyn Botanic Garden
Overheard by: the old fashioned way
Teenager: So then I pooped my pants, and my belt buckle exploded!
–Fulton Street
Overheard by: The Lane Train
10-year-old boy walking with his mom and sister: I'm a good guy. I don't pee on the floor. Or doo doo.
–Broadway, Astoria
Teen on cell: Alright, I'm gonna go home. I gotta clean up some poop.
–49th & 3rd
Girl: He called me last night and said he wanted to see me! When the maid knocked on the door I thought it was him and I thought, "I think I have to poop!"
–Milford Hotel Lobby
