What Wine Goes Best With Wednesday One-Liners?

Haggard-looking middle-aged woman: Hi, yes, I need a refill. I need my Xanax. (short pause) My life is hell.

–CVS Pharmacy, 42nd & 10th Ave

Suit on cell: No mom, I'm not going to just start popping antidepressants without seeing a professional first! Why would you even say that?!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: I'd have prescribed some ritalin for him

MTA conductor over loudspeaker: Hey Bobby! Lay off the steroids, they're making your voice sound funny!

–MTA Harlem Line Train

Overheard by: Nina

Loud suit on cell: Hello? Yes, hi, I'd like to order a Viagra pill. Only one, sir. No, no, just one. Sir, I want only one pill of Viagra, can you do that for me? Can I pick it up tomorrow? Great, thank you. I look forward to seeing you. Take care now, bye bye.

–44th St & 3rd Ave

20-something girl: Whenever I have a bad day, I think "How did Hillary Clinton feel?" and then I don't feel so bad. I mean they must have put her on sedatives to make it through that.

–C Train

Cute girl on cell: Well, tell her if she takes all those pills I'm going to kill her!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: arctinus

Posted on October 8, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Erections, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Psychology, Store, Subway conductors, Suits, Threats, Women

Not to Be Confused with the Naked Chinese Guy

Tourist: Huh, I could have sworn he'd be here!
Cop, looking around: Can I help you, miss?
Tourist: Yeah, I'm looking for a guy.
Cop: Okay?
Tourist: Should be wearing tighty whities…cowboy hat.
(cop sighs, pointing to his left)
Tourist: Thanks!

–Times Square

Posted on October 7, 2008
Clothing, Cops, Default, Offers and requests, Questions, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists

You Are My Wife

Cop: You can't go this way.
Driver: Shut the fuck up, asshole.
Cop: Tell it to your wife, buddy.

–17th & 2nd

Posted on October 7, 2008
Comebacks, Conductors, Cops, Default, Insults, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests

Anyone Else Wondering What This Guy's Doing in Harlem?

Country gent with thick drawl: I need tickets for two seniors and two adults, please.
MTA booth worker: Okay, where you goin?
Country gent with thick drawl: My son's house.
MTA booth worker: What train station?
Country gent with thick drawl: I dunno, does “Hartford” sound about right?

–Harlem 125th Street Metro North Station

Posted on October 6, 2008
Coworkers, Default, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, Public Transportation, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Travel, Words

If Only We Could Euthanize You

Loud girl: I'm not gonna move in with him until he gets rid of that damn dog! I'm not gonna let him pull a fast one on me. I'm not commuting two hours to work while that dog lies around the house all day. Hell no! He better get that damn dog euthanized.
Tired-looking, quiet older woman: Sounds like you got him all figured out.

–6 Train

Posted on October 6, 2008
Death, Default, Girls, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Subway, Relationships, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Women

Social Security What, Now?

Man in cast: Nah man, I can't I don't have health insurance.
Creepy man: You don't have health insurance?! I can get it for you! Just give me your social security number!
Man in cast: Oh yeah?

–East Village

Overheard by: Gina

Posted on October 6, 2008
Actors, Default, Health and Hygiene, Men, Offers and requests, Questions, Union Square and East Village

I Only Do That on Holidays

Little girl: Mommy, you can bite my ear.
Ghetto mama: Huh?
Little girl: You want to bite my ear?
Ghetto mama: No!
Little girl: Come on mommy, bite my ear!
Ghetto mama: Goddamn it child, no!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Barnard girl

Posted on October 6, 2008
Body Parts, Default, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Weirdness

At Least Use the “United Negro Pizza Fund” Line

Panhandler: Are there any Christians here who could help me out? Any Christians who can spare just one penny? (no one gives him any money, so he goes to next car)
Panhandler (muttering) I can't believe there's not one Christian who'll help me out.
Man standing nearby (yelling): Amateur!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Iris K

Posted on October 4, 2008
Christianity, Default, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Panhandling, Questions

Nobody's Snugger Than a Bugger in a Rugger

Shady guy rolling an oriental rug on a hand truck: New rug! Good price I give you!
Couple standing outside: Nah, that's okay.
Shady guy: It's brand new! You can make love on it!

–Madison Ave & 28th St

Overheard by: Marie Z.

Posted on October 2, 2008
Advice, Couples, Default, Guys, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Sex, Vendors & Street Performers

Wednesday One-Liners See London and France

30-something guy to another: She works for Sesame Street so she gets a lot of free underwear.

–Brooklyn Label, Greenpoint

Girl: Yeah, dude. She wasn't wearing any underwear so everyone was trying to pull down her skirt!

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Mollie

Tourist mom in matching pink jumpsuit, struggling with too many children: Oh my Jesus, I wore the wrong thong today!

–42nd St

Overheard by: Emily

Puzzled hipster on cell: Wait…how did wearing a thong fuck up her eye?

–7th St & Ave A

Hipster girl on cell: Did you get your underwear? Lindsey! Goddamn it! "Eat" sounds nothing like "get!" Fuck! What? Fuck you, bitch! Taste of my own medicine, bullshit! I heard nothing about gnawing on my own underwear!

–Baskin-Robbins, Mulberry

Overheard by: Hana

Very blond mother pushing baby carriage, on cell: I don't care, we've talked about this! Don't fucking touch my underwear!

–20th St & 7th Ave

Posted on October 1, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Lower Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Nudity, Offers and requests, Questions, TV, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Offers and requests

At Least Use the “United Negro Pizza Fund” Line