Wednesday-One-Liner 451

5th grader to friends on stairs: So my brother burned a hole in the floor so we could spy on the neighbors.

–The Spence School

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Hot 20-something: If another mediocre man hits on me after another mediocre meal I am going to burn the city down!

–1 Train

20-something to friend: The house burnt down, and now my dad has no eyebrows. No really, he has no eyebrows.

–Thompkin Square Park

Yuppie guy: You know, I think heartburn is the best kind of burn someone could have.

–Bleecker & Jones

Overheard by: Jas

Five-year-old boy, singing: Let the train, let the train, let the train be on fire!
(continues for a few minutes) Let China, let China, let China be on fire!

–F Train

Subway conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is being held due to a…slight fire at the next station.

–C Train

Overheard by: G.

Posted on March 4, 2009
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Body Parts, Family Ties, Fire, Food, Friends, Kids, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, School, Singing, Students, Subway conductors, The Village, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Yuppies

All You Need Is Wednesday One-Liner

Announcer guy: Hey girl, I love your face. And Charmin loves the other end!

–Charmin NYC Restrooms, Times Square

Overheard by: Nathan

Drunk boyfriend: Thanksgiving is over, and so is our love!

–Grand & Leonard, Williamsburg

Overheard by: fanny

Subway busker, about next song: This is not a love song. The reason that this is not a love song is because I don't like her anymore.

–Time Square

Philosophy professor on last day of class: If you love something, set it free. And if it flies away, run after it and kill it.

–City College

Overheard by: Dan Lurie

20-something guy to friend sharing iPod with him: I would do anything to live there…I would pretend to be in love.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: dallas

Woman on cell: I will skin and tar you. (pause) Oh, I love you!

–W Broadway & W 3rd St

Posted on March 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Celebrations/Parties, City College, Drunks, Friends, Guys, Lies, Love, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, Poop, Singing, Street, Students, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Threats, Times Square, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

Another Successful Workday for Pedro

Drunk sorority girl #1: My feet hurt.
Creepy hobo: Do you need someone to rub 'em for you, baby?
Drunk sorority girl #2: Violated! Violated!

–Bleecker & McDougal

Posted on February 28, 2009
Body Parts, Creepsters, Drunks, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Offers and requests, Rape, Sorority Girls, The Village, Weirdness

An Overpriced Studio Apartment with No Windows?

Little boy, pointing to staircase leading to basement: Daddy, what's downstairs?
Dad: Hell.

–Clothing Store, NoHo

Posted on February 26, 2009
Dads, Directions, Kids, Questions, Satan, Store, The Village

Wednesday One-Liners Grow Up Faster in the City

Little girl to woman walking by: Oh, look–another person, sooooo interesting. It's not like we haven't seen enough of those today.

–D'Agnostino's, Greenwich & Barrow

Overheard by: Margo

Boy walking in church to mom: And when we walk in we'll hear Gregorian chants.

–Trinity Church

Four-year-old boy, after plane's smooth landing: Whoa, that was solid!

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: jen

Kid at birthday party: I thought they were feeding us ice cream, not shit!

–McDonald's, Bayside

Adorable child having a temper tantrum: I don't want to walk, I want to go in the stroller!
(mother ignores him) I'm melting… I'm meeelllting!

–New York Transit Museum

Overheard by: NatalyaPetrovna

Posted on February 25, 2009
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Church, Compare/Contrast, Food, Glad the Condom Broke, JFK Airport, Kids, Moms, More museums, One-liners, Restaurants & Cafes, Should've Used a Condom, Singing, The Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Be Part Of a Warm Exploited Minority, for Once

Hobo, shivering violently on freezing night: Couldja spare somethin'? Help me out?
(tall guy gives him a dollar)
Hobo: I would appreciate it if you could spare one hundred dollars.
Tall guy, laughing: Tell me about it!
Hobo, still shivering: I'm tryin' to get to Hawaii! Alo-ha!

–7th & 14th

Posted on February 16, 2009
Guys, Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, Panhandling, The Village, Travel

Wednesday One-Liners Make Digital Records Of Their Humiliation

Stoned girl to tourists filming and photographing ads outside M&M store: It's an advertisement, people!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Alice

Hot woman in suit to unsuspecting family buying a knock-off purse: Don't buy that shit, you stupid fucking tourists!

–44th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: would never buy that shit

NYC punk to tourist bus: Hey, tourists! Welcome to New York! {short pause} Fuck you!

–8th & Broadway

Young thug to friend: Man, if I told you once, then I be telling you a million times. You from New York, fool. In New York, you don't be going giving no tourists directions! If they say, "where's the Empire State Building at?" you spit on them and walk the other way! Now don't you go make me be telling you again! I've had enough of you and yo' foolish ways. (couple wearing "I (heart) New York" t-shirts inch away nervously)

–Union Square

Overheard by: Glad I had a map

Suit with southern accent: Nah! That library has too many tourists.

–51 & Lexington

Overheard by: Miriam

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Directions, Families, Friends, Girls, Insults, Knock-Offs, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, One-liners, Only in New York, Punks, Smegma, Stoners, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, Thugs, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Like Alexander, I Wept Because There Were No More Worlds to Conquer

Random guy #1: Have you ever been with an Asian girl?
Random guy #2: Yeah, as of last night I have.
Random guy #1: Ah. Mission in life accomplished, my friend.

–Washington Place

Posted on February 9, 2009
Guys, Questions, Race, Sex, The Village

Every One-Liner Has Its Wednesday

Well-dressed black girl to well-groomed black standard poodle with owner: Oh, look at your nice hair! You work it girl!

–22nd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Tigertail

Middle-age woman to overgroomed poodle, as it takes a dump in the middle of the sidewalk: Ohhhhh! Charlie, that's looking a bit creamy! Yum, yum! (pause as the dog sniffs his mess) No, don't eat it!

–14th St & University Place

Overheard by: Bee

Crazy hobo in wheelchair, to small dog on leash passing by: Meow. Meow! Meow!

–Union Square

Large black man to his shaggy dog: Just because it's there doesn't mean you can pee on it. That's a nice bike!

–9th St & 50th St

Overheard by: EmGusk

Man trying to control his barking dog: No! No anxiety! Bad dog! No anxiety!

–St. Mark's & Ave A

Overheard by: french bulldog with narcissism