Old lady: Good lord, I thought maybe you’d fallen in the toilet again.
Old man: That wasn’t my fault and you know it!
Old lady: That is the last time I ever clean the toilet seat and let you sit on it right after.
Old man: Can we just enjoy the show?
–Majestic Theatre, West 44th Street
Hyper teenage blonde: Hey, know what I just realized?
20-something blonde sister: Okay, wait. In the interest of saving time, I'm gonna pull my hand back like so before you start talking. Now you can go ahead and say what you wanted to say, but just know that if it's something ignorant or retarded, I'm gonna slap you out of your shoes and right off the sidewalk, and then keep slapping you until we get home. Is whatever you want to say worth it?
(long pause)
Hyper teenage blonde: No?
–Times Square
Overheard by: Really want to know what she was gonna say
Comedy ticket guy: Hey, do you like to laugh?
Goth chick: No. Do I look like I like to laugh?
Comedy ticket guy: My bad.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Laura M.
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there's a bar car!
–Metro North
Overheard by: Anna
Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda.
–Troy Ave & Park Place
Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place…
–3rd & 6th
Overheard by: j
Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol!
–Broadway & 54th St
Overheard by: Loren
Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don't want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they'll take your legs otherwise.
–42nd St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Robin
Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks)
–Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: ellie
Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck?
–East Village
Little thug #1: Obama ain't takin' no shit. He'll be at the United Nations and shit, runnin' up on them niggas, talkin' “Yo! You a-rab terrissas and shit best not be fuckin' with us! And make that oil cheaper, niggas, cause I ain't about spending no three dollars for fuckin' gas!”
Little thug #2: Yeah, and what if they say, “fuck you nigga,” what then?
Little thug #1: Then Obama is gonna get all Rodney King on they ass! He'll be all, “Wham! Wham! I'll teach you niggas to fuck with the black President!”
–Times Square
Overheard by: Big Larry
Boy to girl: Does it look like my ass is eating my pants?
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Eight-year old girl: It’s not me, it’s the pants! It’s the pants!
–81st & Roosevelt Ave
Overheard by: Jobee
Woman on cell: No. No. Absolutely not. Look, would you please put some pants on?
–8th & Broadway
Cop to his cop friends: My buns don’t look good in these pants. But hey, what can you do? It’s part of the uniform.
–Times Square Shuttle Station
Overheard by: Heather
Girl on cell: Do you have to shit? Oh… So go in your pants!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Shira
Incredulous thug to friend: You drop your pants to hop the train?
–W. Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Guy: So I don’t get it…shouldn’t doctors be the ones who do circumcisions?
Girl: Um…they do.
Guy: Well I thought, you know, those guys in the robes with the altar and the ceremony…Oh wait, that’s baptism.
–Times Square
Mother, about her hyperactive child: Looooong day. Long day, and too much ice cream.
Hyperactive child: No.
–King Tut Exhibit, Times Square
Overheard by: Sarah
[A woman is dragging a five-year-old boy into the women’s restroom.]Boy: I don’t want to go in.
Woman: Come on, it’ll only take a minute.
Boy: But you can wipe your ass by yourself now!
–Times Square
Tourist backpacker with hands on subway doors: Do these open on their own?
–1 Train
Tourist mom to uncool son: Well, that's what you get for trying to be a hipster!
–Union Square Park
Overheard by: j
Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Garden! It's huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a picture of the restaurant)
–Times Square
Obese Midwestern woman to obese Midwestern man: Oooh, Applebee's… Now I feel at home here!
–Times Square
Southern tourist guy: I thought people in Greenwich Village would look stranger.
–Bleecker Street
Tourist from west coast, after observing the locals for a few innings: You know, Seinfeld makes so much more sense to me now.
–Cheap Seats, Coney Island Cyclones
Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen
