Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip

Girl on cell: I don't need anything else. I've got 20 dollars, my phone, and a condom.

–11th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Alex

Flamboyant boy on cell: Wait, where are you? What are you doing? Please tell me you'll wear a condom. (pause, then boy's face grows increasingly horrified) Several condoms.

–Dining Hall, NYU

Street vendor next to hot dog vendor: Get your Obama condoms! They go great with a pretzel!

–Times Square

Overheard by: not another tourist

15-year-old girl: Damn, nigga, I hope you flushed the condom, cuz they be using turkey basters for other shit now. They be taking the condom from the trash can and suck up the cum and put it in theyselves. I know, cuz I messed with a few niggaz who be telling me and I learn in sex ed!

–74 Bus, Staten Island

Posted on June 2, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Bus, Cell Phone, Condoms, Cum, Education, Girls, Kosher food, Money & Class, NYU, On Cell, On the Bus, Paranoia, President, Sex, Staten Island, STDs, Teens, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Go on Maury to Establish Paternity

Irritated tourist mother to baffled seven-year-old daughter: Your father is such a fuckin' dickwad! And let me tell you–he wasn't even inspired the night we made you.

–Times Square

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Guy on cell: I haven't talked to my dad in over three years, and this morning he friended me on Facebook.

–1st Ave & 89th Street

Overheard by: Citats

Guy on cell: Well, I wouldn't say I have the best relationship with my father, no. Umm… Well, for example, if he answers the phone when I call the house he says "Oh. Hey, failure."

–Union Square

Overheard by: Olivia

Woman on cell to friend: Uh-huh girl, I brought William to his donors' house and he didn't want to watch him. I said "William, William, say goodbye to your donor because he don't wanna watch you today."

–Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Upper East Side girl at brunch with girlfriends: I need to find a new apartment because when I do the walk of shame I keep running into my dad.

–80th St & 2nd Ave

Posted on May 26, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Comebacks, Facebook, Family Ties, Friends, Friendship, Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Kids, Moms, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Relationships, Stupidity, Times Square, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

If One More Person Says That to Me Today…

Woman to cashier: Do you have a bathroom I could use?
Cashier: No, we don't have public bathrooms here.
Woman: It is harder to pee in New York than to see a gorilla doing the Watusi in Times Square at high noon.

–Times Square

Posted on May 24, 2010
Animals & Nature, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Offers and requests, Pee, Times Square, Women

Wednesday's One-Liner Sense Is Tingling

Black man in Batman suit trying to get tourists to pay to take pictures with him: I got bills! I got bills!

–Times Square

Overheard by: kpan

Traffic cop, motioning in vain for car to stop: I guess my powers aren't working today…

–Citifield, 7 Train Entrance

Teenage girl: I love my physics teacher. He's like a fat, middle-aged Superman.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Large man with heavy accent shouting into cell: Please send somebody–I have just been robbed. (pause) I am on the corner. (pause) What do you mean, "white"? He is a Spiderman! He's wearing a Spiderman suit!

–Stanton & Essex

Posted on May 5, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Cars and Driving, Clothing, Cops, Diet/Weight, Fast Times at New York High, Fat People, Lower East Side, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Pictures, Queens, School and studying, Superheroes, Teens, Thievery, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

What Is This, the Fucking Grammar Rodeo?

Student #1: Hey, where N'Sync at?
Student #2: It's not “where N'Sync at,” it's “where are N'Sync at”?

–Times Square

Posted on April 25, 2010
Music, Questions, Students, Times Square, Words

For Whom Nothing Is Funny Except Americans

Man handing out flyers: Hey, do you like comedy? Do you?
Passerby: No, thank you.
Man handing out flyers: So you're German?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Chloe E.

Posted on April 22, 2010
Flyer people, Foreigners, Questions, Strangers, Stupidity, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners for Change

Black lady to family in obama t-shirts: You know how all those irish people have pictures of kennedy hanging up in their living rooms? Now we can do that too!

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Definitely has a JFK picture in her apartment

Guy selling obama-themed condoms: Remember the election with every erection!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mary Button

Black woman with a child in her stroller braiding her hair: There's gona be a lot of braidin in the white house.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Subway surfer

Woman on cell phone: Girl, if I can get to the front of the line at the vma's I can get to the front of the line at the damn inauguration. Shiiiit it's barack obama, girl!

–manhattan dental waiting room

Overheard by: Catherine

Stoned kid to a group of his friends discussing politics: You know what's scary bro? If obama gets assassinated, george bush is gonna be president again.

–1 Train @ 2AM going Downtown

Black man handing out metro: "get your obama metro! Get your obama metro! See, anyone can be president… I'm next!"

–59th Street, Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Yes we can!

Posted on April 7, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Condoms, Democrats, Erections, Families, Fears, Friends, Hospitals, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Paranoia, Pictures, Politics, President, Race, Stoners, Stupidity, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Women

Presenting the Fall Wednesday One-Liner Collection

Fashion photographer: That's a skirt? I thought it was a hat.

–Fashion Closet, Conde Nast Building

Indecisive woman to friend: I like this sweater in principle.

–Banana Republic, 86th & Broadway

Tween girl to mom: I'm not going to put my precious glove in the frickin' oven!

–Queens

Guy: I'm just saying, he doesn't dress like a bro.

–Astor Place

Irate girl wearing too much lipstick: That band really doesn't do him justice… I mean, I don't think he should have to wear a unitard. And she really shouldn't wear one, you know?

–6 Train

Overheard by: Wants to see him in unitard

Posted on April 7, 2010
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I Only Wait on Lines This Long for Cupcakes

Drunk guy on St. Patrick's Day to group of students by McDonald's: You guys want a fucking cheeseburger that fucking bad, huh?
Young teenager, sarcastically: Actually, I'm a vegetarian.
Drunk guy: Then what the fuck is this for?
Young teenager: Tofu and salad.
Drunk guy: Fuck this!

–Times Square

Posted on April 6, 2010
Drunks, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Restaurants & Cafes, Students, Teens, Times Square, Vegetarian & Vegan

Can't Forget If You Never Knew in the First Place

Stupid fat American girl #1: So like, where's the World Trade Centers?
Stupid fat American girl #2: Ohmigod, are you serious? They were, like, destroyed!
Stupid Far American girl #1: Ohmigod! Are you for real? I thought that it was like, only one of them…!

–Times Square

Posted on February 25, 2010
Directions, Fat People, Girls, Ground Zero, Idiots, NYC Geography, Stupidity, Terrorism, Times Square