Age/Aging

Wednesday One-Liners Could Quit if They Wanted to

Guy: Okay, here’s the plan: we paint your van, then you have sex with Susan, then I’ll have sex with…someone else. Then we both smoke a lot of weed…

–1st Ave

Overheard by: chris & daile

Teen boy: Yo, I just stopped smoking weed, cause, like, I heard it was bad for you. So I started smoking cigarettes again.

–G train

Queer on cell, taking deep drags of cigarette: No, I’m not! I told you I quit. [Exhales] Umm, that was just me blowing my bangs out of my eyes.

–Outside Bally Fitness, 50th St

Smoker: I read somewhere that if you quit smoking by the time you are middle aged your body can still recover, and I thought, “Great I still have a couple more years to quit.” Then I read what they define “middle aged” as. I’m fucked!

–Upper East Side gallery

Actually, No — See These Scars?

Biotech: God, I’m getting so old!
Friend: Old? You’re only six months older than me.
Biotech: Whatever. You totally still could have been aborted by the time I was born.

–114th & Broadway

God Help Those Elderly Laser Fucks

Black woman #1: She thinks we're too old for laser tag!
Black woman #2: Uh-huh.
Black woman #1: I mean, as long as we aren't, like, thirty or something, we're okay.

–Dunkin Donuts, 125th & Lenox

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

It Must Be Different in Retard Years

Girl #1: Wait, how old was he?
Girl #2: He’s 26.
Girl #1: Oh, I thought he was in his 20s.
Girl #2: Uh, yeah, he’s 26.
Girl #1: Oh…

–29th & 3rd

Overheard by: Zohra Chagany

And on Your Left— Wednesday One-Liners!

Kid to another: And then, when you're 45, we can be tour guides.

–West Village

Overheard by: of bugle be uncouth

Tour guide: This tour will be in English, we have tour pamphlets in several other languages. If you are a non English speaking passenger, this announcement is of no use to you.

–Circle Line Harbor Lights Cruise

Overheard by: Trixie

Overexcited bespectacled tour guide leader to group of uninterested parents: So! That's the great thing, you know, about this school, is that it's not just you. It's the city, and the students, and the people, and the tourists, and… (starts to run out of things to say) the homeless people, and the squirrels… and pigeons! So, you see, it's not ever just you!

–Bobst Library, NYU

Tour guide on bus: Now over here we have Trump Towers. Donald is not in the building today, as he is out of country awaiting the birth of his next wife.

–Trump Towers

Despite That Meat You Sold Me Yesterday

Very Jewish lady behind deli counter: So, how have you been?
Very old Jewish man: Oh, I'm still here.

–Zabar's Deli

Someone’s Been Watching Too Many Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parades

Queer #1: He just got so fat, like, he didn’t even care anymore. It was disgusting.
Queer #2: Well, it happens when you get older. I’ll never let myself get fat. Will you?
Queer #1: Never!
Queer #2: Yes, you will. You’ll be like a big fat balloon with two fat little arms sticking out, barely able to hold onto the bottle of Jack Daniels you’ll be guzzling.

–A train, 86th St

Wednesday Gettin'-None Liners

Man screaming into phone: We've been having fun and fun and fun. The thing we ain't having is fucking sex!

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: LisaLisa

Psych prof: Now, I don't know anyone who's ever died from not having sex. Maybe they tried to get some and failed in some horrible way that led to their demise, but I don't know anyone who's actually died from not having sex. (later) If you go on a starvation diet, which I don't recommend, be sure to drink water because, uh, you will die.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: High Aspirations

Guy to friend: He's fucking 57 years old and he's still a fucking virgin.

–W Broadway & Thomas

Gay man to straight female friend: I haven't had sex in almost two years… I need to get a dog.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sunny

Wednesday One-Liners Like the Moon

Overweight geeky lunatic protester: The perpetual battery will last longer than any of us! The perpetual battery is the answer to all of our energy problems! It will draw its power from the very vacuum of space!

–Union Square South

Overheard by: Percival

Crazy old guy with beard and hat with lots of buttons: Where is the moon? Where is the moon, where is the galaxy? Have you ever seen Men in Black? It's all about the galaxy. The earth is beneath Columbus Circle. The moon is at 64th and Central Park West. If you had to suspend reality, how would you do it?

–Uptown 2 Train

Overheard by: Jingles

Professor: Has anybody ever seen a solar eclipse? Anybody, anybody? (silence) No? Well, maybe we were all inside on Facebook when it happened…

–St. John's University, Staten Island

Overheard by: Andrea

Visiting professor, explaining "word salad": Cream cheese to the moon mother, fuckers!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Molly Moo

Obviously sober guy: I know Vikings eat ham, but what about Saturn?

–Rotating Cube Sculpture, Astor Place

Blonde: You cannot eat in space! It sucks you in.

–Union Square

Crazy bag man with hat full of buttons: Where's the moon, where's the moon? If the globe on Columbus Cirlce is the earth, the moon is on 63rd Street West. That is a test of spatial ree-al-uh-tee. How well did you do?

–Uptown 3 Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Les Izzmore

See, He's Got the Cane, But No Cheetah Hat

(elderly gentleman in a brown suit with matching fedora walks by)
Ghetto #14 year-old-girl (screaming): Oh my god! It's a pimp! He's a fucking pimp!
Ghetto #14 year-old boy: Nah, he ain't a pimp. He can't be–he's like 90…and he's white.

–Under Broadway Stop, Astoria

Overheard by: well, it aint easy

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