All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Don Protective Camouflage

Suit: So, you wanna bring the strippers to paintball?

–45th St & Ave of the Americas

Suit: They are not stupid people, even though they are from the Midwest.

–53rd & Park

Overheard by: MJ

Suit: We’re meeting in conference room G, but there’s still blood in there from the last meeting.

–53rd & Park

Overheard by: Russo

Suit whispering baby talk into another’s ear: Freddie, wash my butthole.

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Late-50s suit to another: My next-door neighbors, they don’t know how to communicate with their Mexicans.

–N & R platform, 49th St

Overheard by: Wish I could have heard more

Suit to another: I don’t care what they say — once a french maid, always a french maid.

–Rockefeller Center

Suit on cell: If it wasn’t for goat’s milk I don’t know how I would’ve made it through college.

–45th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: y2jon

Are You Afraid of Wednesday One-Liners?

FDNY lieutenant to EMTs: Hey, get this! Some guy just called 911 because some guy looked scary!

–34th & 10th

Overheard by: guy in back of ambulance

Gay guy to another: I'm terrified of successful women!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Moy

(guy with drums finishes a performance in the train)
Guy with drums: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. Help a brother out and donate some money if you enjoyed this performance. (lady in front of him looks scared)
Please donate and if you don't know what to do or are scared, smile and nod. Everything will be okay.

–E Train

Overheard by: Sleepy

Crazy bag lady to high school boy: I ain't scared of you. I'll beat you with a crowbar. Cuz I gotta crowbar in my pussy and it's way up there!

–B54 Bus

Suit on cell: And I was scared, right? Because her legs were open in the cemetery.

–Gramercy Park

Wednesday One-Liners Remember When It Just Meant “Happy?”

Drunk queer: I am not gay! Just remind me of that later.

–Bushwick

Overheard by: uninvited party guest

Lemming: Are we still following the Gaylords or are we becoming Independent?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Midwesterner: I had a dream that I had a lot of funny faggot friends. It was so much fun! Then I woke up.

–Avents

Metrosexual: So, I’m thinking of becoming gay. What about you? Are you still gay?

–35th & Broadway

Chick on cell: I mean, when it’s just the two of us, he’s really gay — and I’m talking gayer than you — and frankly, that’s gay… And I don’t understand why he can’t just be that gay on stage… So hey, did you hear about that plane crash? Yeah… yeah… yeah, New Yorkers are really sensitive to planes crashing into buildings — something must have happened a while ago or something… Yeah, so I think I’m going to have sex with that guy from Craigslist… Although, he is ten years older than me, so if he’s looking for commitment he can have sex with me while he’s looking… It is not trashy — you can’t do anything trashy in your early 20s. I still have four more years until I have to even start thinking about being too trashy… Hey, can I call you back? I have to call my mom.

–10 express bus

French woman: So this Gaydar… It is like a radar? For the gays?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Latina on cell: I’ll fucking kill him. I will. I’ll fucking kill him. I don’t know. No. He’s not. I just hate it that he thinks he can treat you like that. I mean, I’ll fucking kill him even though he’s a man, you know? I’ll fucking walk up to him and, like, stab him or something. Fuck yeah, I got a knife. I mean, maybe he’s gay, though. That must be it. He’s gay. No, no, no. He’s gay.. He has to be. No, I know he is. It’s a fact. That’s the only thing that makes sense, right? I mean, what other option is there?

–Graham Ave, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Following Quietly Behind

Go Back to Williamsburg, Wednesday One-Liner!

Hipster guy: He wants to write a book about how hipsters are all about being nihilistic and getting lung cancer from oral sex.

–Hop Scotch, Ave A

Hipster guy to girl: It’s like, you can’t take my identity. I’m a film director, that’s who I am. It’s like if I was a carpenter, I would make wood. I mean, I would make buildings… You can’t just choose to be a carpenter.

–Pepe Rosso’s, Sullivan St

Asian hipster chick: You know, when you ask someone what they’re doing and they say clearing their head? I don’t think you can really do that because when you say you’re clearing your head you are really thinking about clearing your head so it isn’t clear after all.

–A Train

Overheard by: kate

Über-hipster chick to another: Bitch! Brunch tomorrow or I’ll fucking smack that headband right off you!

–8th & Bedford, Brooklyn

Hipster girl: What floor was fluffy on?! What floor was fluffy on?!?!??!

–Hookah Bar, East Village

Overheard by: Marisa

Hipster: It was a mess. I mean, you don’t want anarchists at the socialist barbecue. Haven’t you ever read Kropotkin?

–125th St

Overheard by: Ali

Wednesday One-liners Drop It Like It’s Hot

Preggers: My baby’s so low she can help me walk up steps. Mee-mur.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: scott nichols

Wednesday One-Liners Make Way for the Mammals

20-something dude to girl exiting train: Well, good luck with the pterodactyl!

–N train, Broadway stop, Astoria

Overheard by: Dinosaywhat?

Mother to teen daughter: It would be a fetusaurus!

–E 8th St, between 6th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wondering if she means "an abortion"

Thug wannabe: So, it was like a dinosaur, but it had an ass.

–Manhattan-bound 7 train

Overheard by: Kevp

Little boy: You know what I wish? I wish there were no more zebras… or dinosaurs.

–Museum of Natural History

Teen boy to kid brother: You know why the dinosaurs died out? ‘Cause you touch yourself at night!

–14th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Stella

Did Wednesday Crawl Up Your One-Liner and Die?

Man on phone: So you know that guy whose mouth I farted in? He was totally at the bar last night.

–4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: not that guy

Hobo to his dog: Was that you who farted or me? Because I think it was you.

–67th & Amsterdam

NYU kid on cell: No, no, dude! You're not hearing me! I'm telling you that we were playing the game "I never" and the question was "I've never farted in an elevator" …yeah! I know! But here's the thing, dude! She claimed she'd never farted! (laughs) Nooo, dude! You heard me right: Never ever. And I gotta tell you, bro: it's creepin' me out!

–La Guardia b/w Bleecker & Houston

Overheard by: Elevator Bomb Dropper

Jealous guy: I hope her boyfriend farts in her face and she gets pink eye.

–L Train

Woman on cell: Now, honey, tell the truth. Did you fart on Santa's lap?

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike N

Wednesday One-liners Heart Mom

JHS kid: Man, your mother’s so ugly, she’s only been married once.

–Boerum Hill

Baby carriage woman on cell: …and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia…

–19th between 5th & 6th

Girl: So I’m like, “How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?”

–NYU Brittany Hall elevator

Overheard by: Andrei Alupului

Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she’d cut off all the buttons and then she’d go to the return department…

–H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th

Overheard by: Sophia

Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn’t that surprised.

–Juilliard cafeteria

Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, “Jeez, give somebody else a turn…”

–Union Pool, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Joe

Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, “I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts.” Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I’m like, well, we don’t even live in Vermont…

–N train

Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home!

–13th & 4th

Infernal Wednesday One-Liners

Protestant street preacher with mic: You’re going down the Broadway to Hell.

–42nd & 8th

Subway preacher: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents under the tree, that’s all for Satan, not for Jesus. One day I was thinking about how the name Santa looks familiar, and I’m thinking to myself, Goddammit… No, wait, sorry. I’m thinking to myself, Santa… No, that’s Satan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the letters around.

–Brooklyn-bound C train

Overheard by: P. Mills

Suit on cell: The only thing is, she’s so innocent. I need someone to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-other sex. I’m like Satan and she’s the Virgin Mary.

–Metro-North train, Grand Central

Hardhat: I don’t know if I’m going to heaven; I don’t know if I’m going to hell… All I know is I have to change at Jamaica.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Rob

Yuppie woman talking to herself: The devil is a liar — a fucking liar!

–Outside Lincoln Plaza Theatre

Overheard by: SLC kid

Teacher: I’m going to burn in Hell for this… Wait! I’m Jewish! I don’t believe in Hell! I’m not going to burn! Yay!

–Hunter College High

Wednesday One-Liners Must Be from Queens

Woman, texting: How do you pluralize "uterus"?

–TKTS Booth

Overheard by: DramaPirate

Kids entertainer, singing: Do you know what a co-creator is? To create is to make something, and when you co-create, you do it together…

–Kindergarten party, Williamsburg

Cashier with cookbook: It's got a table of continents so you can see what's in it!

–Department Store, 225th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Student: I just love adding "izzle" to the end of words.

–Metro-North

Coworker: UPS didn't have the tracking information at first, but then they found it… Good thing, because I was about to blow a casket.

–Fordham University

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