All Wednesday One-Liners

Hipster guy: He wants to write a book about how hipsters are all about being nihilistic and getting lung cancer from oral sex.

–Hop Scotch, Ave A

Hipster guy to girl: It’s like, you can’t take my identity. I’m a film director, that’s who I am. It’s like if I was a carpenter, I would make wood. I mean, I would make buildings… You can’t just choose to be a carpenter.

–Pepe Rosso’s, Sullivan St

Asian hipster chick: You know, when you ask someone what they’re doing and they say clearing their head? I don’t think you can really do that because when you say you’re clearing your head you are really thinking about clearing your head so it isn’t clear after all.

–A Train

Overheard by: kate

Über-hipster chick to another: Bitch! Brunch tomorrow or I’ll fucking smack that headband right off you!

–8th & Bedford, Brooklyn

Hipster girl: What floor was fluffy on?! What floor was fluffy on?!?!??!

–Hookah Bar, East Village

Overheard by: Marisa

Hipster: It was a mess. I mean, you don’t want anarchists at the socialist barbecue. Haven’t you ever read Kropotkin?

–125th St

Overheard by: Ali

Preggers: My baby’s so low she can help me walk up steps. Mee-mur.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: scott nichols

20-something dude to girl exiting train: Well, good luck with the pterodactyl!

–N train, Broadway stop, Astoria

Overheard by: Dinosaywhat?

Mother to teen daughter: It would be a fetusaurus!

–E 8th St, between 6th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wondering if she means "an abortion"

Thug wannabe: So, it was like a dinosaur, but it had an ass.

–Manhattan-bound 7 train

Overheard by: Kevp

Little boy: You know what I wish? I wish there were no more zebras… or dinosaurs.

–Museum of Natural History

Teen boy to kid brother: You know why the dinosaurs died out? ‘Cause you touch yourself at night!

–14th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Stella

Man on phone: So you know that guy whose mouth I farted in? He was totally at the bar last night.

–4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: not that guy

Hobo to his dog: Was that you who farted or me? Because I think it was you.

–67th & Amsterdam

NYU kid on cell: No, no, dude! You're not hearing me! I'm telling you that we were playing the game "I never" and the question was "I've never farted in an elevator" …yeah! I know! But here's the thing, dude! She claimed she'd never farted! (laughs) Nooo, dude! You heard me right: Never ever. And I gotta tell you, bro: it's creepin' me out!

–La Guardia b/w Bleecker & Houston

Overheard by: Elevator Bomb Dropper

Jealous guy: I hope her boyfriend farts in her face and she gets pink eye.

–L Train

Woman on cell: Now, honey, tell the truth. Did you fart on Santa's lap?

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike N

JHS kid: Man, your mother’s so ugly, she’s only been married once.

–Boerum Hill

Baby carriage woman on cell: …and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia…

–19th between 5th & 6th

Girl: So I’m like, “How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?”

–NYU Brittany Hall elevator

Overheard by: Andrei Alupului

Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she’d cut off all the buttons and then she’d go to the return department…

–H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th

Overheard by: Sophia

Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn’t that surprised.

–Juilliard cafeteria

Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, “Jeez, give somebody else a turn…”

–Union Pool, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Joe

Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, “I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts.” Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I’m like, well, we don’t even live in Vermont…

–N train

Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home!

–13th & 4th

Protestant street preacher with mic: You’re going down the Broadway to Hell.

–42nd & 8th

Subway preacher: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents under the tree, that’s all for Satan, not for Jesus. One day I was thinking about how the name Santa looks familiar, and I’m thinking to myself, Goddammit… No, wait, sorry. I’m thinking to myself, Santa… No, that’s Satan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the letters around.

–Brooklyn-bound C train

Overheard by: P. Mills

Suit on cell: The only thing is, she’s so innocent. I need someone to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-other sex. I’m like Satan and she’s the Virgin Mary.

–Metro-North train, Grand Central

Hardhat: I don’t know if I’m going to heaven; I don’t know if I’m going to hell… All I know is I have to change at Jamaica.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Rob

Yuppie woman talking to herself: The devil is a liar — a fucking liar!

–Outside Lincoln Plaza Theatre

Overheard by: SLC kid

Teacher: I’m going to burn in Hell for this… Wait! I’m Jewish! I don’t believe in Hell! I’m not going to burn! Yay!

–Hunter College High

Woman, texting: How do you pluralize "uterus"?

–TKTS Booth

Overheard by: DramaPirate

Kids entertainer, singing: Do you know what a co-creator is? To create is to make something, and when you co-create, you do it together…

–Kindergarten party, Williamsburg

Cashier with cookbook: It's got a table of continents so you can see what's in it!

–Department Store, 225th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Student: I just love adding "izzle" to the end of words.

–Metro-North

Coworker: UPS didn't have the tracking information at first, but then they found it… Good thing, because I was about to blow a casket.

–Fordham University

Conductor: This Eighth Avenue-bound L train is now an express train to Eighth Avenue because a couple of you are idiots who thought holding the doors would get you where you’re going faster. I hope this teaches you all a lesson.

–Union Square

Conductor: Please do not hold the closing doors! [Fifteen seconds later] Fine, hold the doors! I’m already at work!

–4 train

Overheard by: On-Nee-Mall

Indian MTA employee: Please do not hold the doors… [Slightly agitated] Please do not hold the doors! [Very agitated] Are you so stupid! Only someone stupid would hold the doors!

–1 train

Conductor: Do you people realize that there are 30 doors on this train? Must you all do a conga line in front of one of them?! Don’t you need music for that?!

–96th St

Conductor: Stop holding the doors! You hold the doors open and the train doesn’t run smoothly! And this is the only train in the city that works!

–7 train

Overheard by: EthanK

Teenage girl to friend: I'm not even kidding, her asshole was *this* big! (connects her thumbs and pointer fingers making a large circle)

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: soccer mom

Female suit to friends: And the old-timers were just such assholes…

–Walker & W Broadway

Overheard by: j

Big squirming Latin kid: God! I got this burnin' in my asshole, man!

–Xavier High School

Overheard by: seriously?

Concerned friend to sobbing girl: All you did wrong was sleep with him before you knew he was an asshole!

–Coffeeshop, Park Slope

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Man on cell: After I dropped Benny off at school I stopped by that harem.

–5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Nerd

Old bald guy looking at Asian call girl section in newspaper, on cell, speaking very slowly and very loudly: Do… You… Take… Veee-saaaah. Veee-saaaah. Veeee-saaaaah! Yes! Visa! No? Okay, thanks. [Same exact dialogue takes place three more times.] Bingo!

–Milford Hotel

Overheard by: not an asian call girl

Guy: I’m a good Jewish son -I got 90% off on a hooker!

–Central Park

Guy on cell: Man, I love hookers. My friend just told me about Craig’s list. Shit, there’s like 5,000 hookers on Craig’s list. I love that shit.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: who knew?

Guido in leather jacket, to suit: So did anything ever happen with the whore?

–39th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Asian girl to friend: As long as I’m slutting myself out, I might as well get paid for it!

–22nd & 9th

Overheard by: Kate