All Wednesday One-Liners

Tour De Wednesday One-Liners

Fat tourist: Exactly, like, I know Disney trivia, but of course I don't know general trivia.

–Ellis Island

Overheard by: Cat

Female tourist with Irish accent, reading leaflet: Jaysas lads, it only took them 14 months to build this, I wonder if it's okay like.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: joanie

Tourist gazing up at the Empire State Building: They sure could fit a lotta hay in there!

–Outside Empire State Building

Overheard by: Duppy

Tourist: Where do they keep the cemeteries around here?

–Next to St. Paul's Cemetery/Church

Female tourist: Oh my god, I can't believe we're on the 6… Just like J.Lo.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Courtney C.

Overzealous British tourist father, pointing at map: Okay, everyone. We're passing by Madison Square Gardens. They must be lovely at this time of year. We're on the Metropolitan Line, see? The Met Line. Just like in London. We're going to get off at Rector Street. It's the last stop before Brooklyn, so if we miss our stop, we'll be in Brooklyn, and we don't want that! Look, now there are no more numbers. When there are no more numbers in the station names, that means we're at the bottom of the underground. Oh, look, it's Chinatown. This is where all the orientals get off.

–R Line

Overheard by: office peon is one of those Orientals…

Female tourist: Know what? Fuck it, I just want to go back to my hotel room and take a shit.

–Canal St

The Multiple-Choice Section Of This Wednesday One-Liner Begins Now

Train conductor: If anyone sees a blue and yellow backpack, please give it to the train conductor. Jason has a test and he needs to study.

–4 Train

Overheard by: heather

Random guy walking into the ferry station: I figured if I took the test high, I'd get high scores.

–Staten Island Ferry Station

Overheard by: mindy

Professor: These pop quizzes are like making love: you don't get any points for speed, you get them for accuracy.

–Psych Class, Hunter College

Overheard by: I completely agree

Undergrad: I don't even want to look at my art history midterm yet, but if I don't know how I did, I'll go crazy! It's like a Catch-66! Anyway, I'm going to head back to my dorm and put on some pants.

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Wednesday One-liners for the Linguists

Chick: I don’t know what is wrong with her, she was acting so
agnoxious.

–Office, Madison & 38th

Hipster guy: Whenever they build a new road, it should be the blankth street ever made. 34th Street should be the 34th street ever built.

–C train

Overheard by: A. Magnus

Fat girl: When I used to play Scrabble just for the words, I sucked.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Gregorio

Chick: Oh my god, you’re so stupid. Canal Street isn’t in Chinatown; it’s in English, how could it be Chinatown?

–N train

Overheard by: Steph Lo

Drunk girl: I didn’t have an ego until I started doing acid. My friend and I, we would just sit around and do acid and talk about how cool we were. We had this thing called “P.A.S.” that stood for “Phat As Shit.” We’d be like, “We…are P.A.S.”

–Uncle Ming’s, Avenue B

Homie: Yo, you see that shit on Family Guy? That nigga Quagmire be funny, son! That “giggity giggity” shit! Yo son, that nigga tied up a cheerleader and shit and always be trying to nail the little bitch.

–N train

Wednesday One-Liners: Straight, Not Narrow

White woman to friend: Wow, this is a great place to meet straight people!

–Madison Square Garden

Dude to female passenger: If I was straight, I'd be hitting that, but I'm not straight, so I won't be hitting that.

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Maggie

Yelling blonde: What's my type? He should be straight, that's my type.

–68th & Columbus

Amateur philosopher: If I wasn't straight, I'd totally be gay.

–Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Headaches

Teen girl to friend: They're not gay! They're just old!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Peter

Wednesday One-Liners Reject the Tyranny of Unrealistic Body Images

Queer: There were so many fat people there… I was, like, breathing fat-air.

–Lafayette & Bleecker

Fat guy, looking at cheese nips: Oh no! I don’t want the reduced-fat ones!

–Associated Market, Bleecker & LaGuardia

Latina on train full of Yankees fans and more people boarding: One person getting off and three getting on! Niggas is trying to fit and they fat! If you fat, take the next train! Oh my god! Fuck!

–4 train

Girl on cell: What would a party be without the two of us shaking our thigh fat at each other?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Woman: Skinny motherfuckers! I’m a plus-sized woman! I keep my man warm! I know how to make my man cum! Skinny Motherfuckers!

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: KA

Fat loudmouth: Obesity — it’s in the DNA. And last night, I felt the gene hit me. So I had a tuna sandwich, but I threw away the bread. The gene, it wants me to be fat — it don’t want me to look nice like everyone else.

–Uptown 2 train

Overheard by: Beecals

Realist chick: Yeah, I know how to say ‘french fries’ in practically every language because I’m a fat-ass.

–NYU Kimmel Center, Washingon Square Park

Overheard by: tj

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Mean It Like That

NYU nerdy chick on cell: The oral is going to be super hard. …But I think I’ll be good at it.

–NYU

Overheard by: kat

Clerk, to female co-worker: I keep my meat to the side.

–Walgreens, Atlantic Ave

Girl: Bite and suck, bite and suck, bite and suck!

–Szechuan Restaurant

Overheard by: tallierand

Female customer to employee: …the gum that has the things in it. She likes to chew on the ones with the blue balls.

–Duane Reade, Fresh Meadows

Overheard by: evan FM

College sophomore: … So yeah, I said "Mom, stop rotating my pickle!"

–USA #1 Deli, La Salle & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Father to younger son: So you like second base right?

–Douglaston Market, Queens

Overheard by: Noelle

Wanksday One-Liners

Large lady in sun dress to man in front of her: Do you want this seat? ‘Cause I can’t sit here and watch you play with yourself in front of me.

–F train, between Carroll St & Bergen St

Worker to partner: Next time he starts jerkin’ off, I wanna know.

–Manhattan & Nassau, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Wanna know how I have fun? I go home, eat, jerk off and watch TV. Now that’s fun!

–29th & 7th

Suit: Man, if I was a woman, I’d be at home sticking everything inside me — cucumbers, hair brush handles, whatever I could find!

–Broadway & Crescent Ave, Long Island City

Overheard by: tracy

College chick on cell: Yay for masturbation! And yay for date rape!

–N train

Overheard by: Bionic Womyn

Wednesday One-Linezillas

Teenage bride-to-be on cell: …yeah. But, no, I’m totally ready to walk across the aisle.

–Target, South Bronx

Overheard by: so this is the bronx

Suit: You expect me to spend the rest of my life with only one woman? One woman? One godforsaken woman?

–42nd St & Madison

Hula hoop guy to tourist couple: Sir! I’ll show you! You don’t have to do it, but hula hoops have saved a lot of marriages!

–Washington Square Park

Old woman to imaginary friend: I’d make a great wife, mothafucka!

–F train

Overheard by: Trying Not to Laugh

Girl: Can I do your brother at one of your weddings?

–Monitor St, Brooklyn

Young woman on cell: Well yeah, but he didn’t sleep with your bridesmaids.

–82nd & Lex

Man on cell: Ok, fine! You want to get married?

–Upper West Side

Take a Lick of These Wednesday One-Liners

Student: It’s true — Gummi Bears are good for your liver. I heard it from a horse.

–Harry S.Truman High

Overheard by: Anya

Loud guy: She called me a chocolate matzah ball! Can you believe that shit? She called me a chocolate matzah ball!

–E train, Queens

Overheard by: Anya

Guy in heated debate: No, I told you — everyone knows that Sour Skittles are much more aerodynamic than regular ones! God!

–Starbucks, Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Amy

Eight-year-old trick-or-treating cheerleader: Mom, listen to my new cheer: Trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme some fucking candy!

–110th & Broadway

Professor: I don’t want to be chocolate.

–Bard High School Early College

Hobo, when lady gives him a lollipop: Ma’am, I am 52 years old. What’s an old, homeless man going to do with a Tootsie Pop?

–34th St station

Please Remain on the Line. Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Important to Us.

Usher: I will tell you once again: do not use your cell phone! I know how to wrestle!

–Theatre

Man: What kind of faggot has a 551 number?

–Cooper Union, Astor Place

Overheard by: a friend of mine does

Drunk Long Island girl: I don't know! I guess my phone was on lock or unlock or whatever, but my boobs must have called you!

–W 10th St

Overheard by: max

Blonde NYU ditz, looking at BlackBerry: Wait… what area code is 718? That's like really far away, right?

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Overheard by: i actually laughed at her

Conductor: This is the train to Ronkonkoma, also known as "ko, hip hip hey and away we go." When using cell phones, please, keep it quiet, 'cause no one really wants to know what you're talkin' about.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Goober

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