“There's No Wednesday One-Linering in Baseball!”

Dad to whiny three-year-old daughter: And now you're going to try and manipulate me by crying.

–186th St & Ft. Washington Ave

Girl to friends: That's just the way the world is. You don't see me cryin' whenever someone calls me a fat bitch or a short bitch or an ugly bitch…

–23rd & 8th

15-year-old boy: Yo, I'd cry if that happened to me, but I'm just sensitive like that.

–A Train

Overheard by: pop pop

Girl: And then you know I take out my yo-yo and start dancing. And then you know I'm multi-tasking! I'm yo-yoing, dancing and crying all at the same time!

–LaGuardia High School

Woman on cell: Alex, stop crying. Stop crying. What about the breadsticks, were there at least breadsticks?

–34th & 6th

Posted on September 23, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crying, Dads, Dancing, Family Ties, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Friends, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Should've Used a Condom, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Start to Sizzle

Guy to his terrified date: Damn, I want to do you. Really, we should go back to my place. We’re hot, we’d be hot together, people would pay to watch us fuck.

–Union Square

Security guard to teen boy who set off the metal detector: Whoa, drop it like it’s hot, baby.

–Checkpoint at JFK

Ghetto teen: Nigga said his penis was hotter than a microwave.

–A train, 168 St

Late-20s woman on cell: Am I getting old? Not picking up hot Frenchmen who offer me drugs?

–The Four Seasons

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Chick on cell: Yes, but you’re a hot creepy stranger.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on September 22, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, One-liners, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Please Silence Your Phone During the Wednesday One-Liners

Preppy girl: I really loved that movie. I thought it was titillating… And not just because there was cock and balls. I don’t care about that.

–Third Avenue

Guy to self: Brokeback mountain… Starring Hillary Clinton!

–Herald Square Subway Station

Overheard by: Worst Movie Ever

Doofette: I mean like I know it got the Oscar and all, but I thought "No Country for Old Men" was pretty boring. I have to admit though the choreography was amazing.

–SoHo

Thug, peddling pile of DVDs: Ghetto Blockbuster! I am your ghetto Blockbuster! I got movies, CDs, porno. [Another group of customers walks in.] I got that action, comedy, romance and I got that pussy! I am your friendly neighborhood ghetto Blockbuster.

–24 Hour McDonalds, Water & Moore

Overheard by: BigKahuna&BigRed

Creepy hipster: You’d think you can’t have sex to "Silence of the Lambs"…

–Huron St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Dude on cell: If you like murder, you’re gonna love this movie!

–48 Bus

Posted on September 21, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Creepsters, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Penis, Politics, Preppies, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Thugs, Vendors & Street Performers

Tour De Wednesday One-Liners

Fat tourist: Exactly, like, I know Disney trivia, but of course I don't know general trivia.

–Ellis Island

Overheard by: Cat

Female tourist with Irish accent, reading leaflet: Jaysas lads, it only took them 14 months to build this, I wonder if it's okay like.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: joanie

Tourist gazing up at the Empire State Building: They sure could fit a lotta hay in there!

–Outside Empire State Building

Overheard by: Duppy

Tourist: Where do they keep the cemeteries around here?

–Next to St. Paul's Cemetery/Church

Female tourist: Oh my god, I can't believe we're on the 6… Just like J.Lo.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Courtney C.

Overzealous British tourist father, pointing at map: Okay, everyone. We're passing by Madison Square Gardens. They must be lovely at this time of year. We're on the Metropolitan Line, see? The Met Line. Just like in London. We're going to get off at Rector Street. It's the last stop before Brooklyn, so if we miss our stop, we'll be in Brooklyn, and we don't want that! Look, now there are no more numbers. When there are no more numbers in the station names, that means we're at the bottom of the underground. Oh, look, it's Chinatown. This is where all the orientals get off.

–R Line

Overheard by: office peon is one of those Orientals…

Female tourist: Know what? Fuck it, I just want to go back to my hotel room and take a shit.

–Canal St

Posted on September 20, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brits, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Death, Disney, Empire State Building, Fat People, Hudson River, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYC Geography, On the Subway, Poop, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Soho, Stupidity, Time, Tourism, Tourists, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

The Multiple-Choice Section Of This Wednesday One-Liner Begins Now

Train conductor: If anyone sees a blue and yellow backpack, please give it to the train conductor. Jason has a test and he needs to study.

–4 Train

Overheard by: heather

Random guy walking into the ferry station: I figured if I took the test high, I'd get high scores.

–Staten Island Ferry Station

Overheard by: mindy

Professor: These pop quizzes are like making love: you don't get any points for speed, you get them for accuracy.

–Psych Class, Hunter College

Overheard by: I completely agree

Undergrad: I don't even want to look at my art history midterm yet, but if I don't know how I did, I'll go crazy! It's like a Catch-66! Anyway, I'm going to head back to my dorm and put on some pants.

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Posted on September 19, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Clothing, Colors, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Drugs, Ferry, Guys, Hunter, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, School and studying, Sex, Staten Island Ferry, Students, Teachers/Professors, Wednesday One-Liners, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-liners for the Linguists

Chick: I don’t know what is wrong with her, she was acting so
agnoxious.

–Office, Madison & 38th

Hipster guy: Whenever they build a new road, it should be the blankth street ever made. 34th Street should be the 34th street ever built.

–C train

Overheard by: A. Magnus

Fat girl: When I used to play Scrabble just for the words, I sucked.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Gregorio

Chick: Oh my god, you’re so stupid. Canal Street isn’t in Chinatown; it’s in English, how could it be Chinatown?

–N train

Overheard by: Steph Lo

Drunk girl: I didn’t have an ego until I started doing acid. My friend and I, we would just sit around and do acid and talk about how cool we were. We had this thing called “P.A.S.” that stood for “Phat As Shit.” We’d be like, “We…are P.A.S.”

–Uncle Ming’s, Avenue B

Homie: Yo, you see that shit on Family Guy? That nigga Quagmire be funny, son! That “giggity giggity” shit! Yo son, that nigga tied up a cheerleader and shit and always be trying to nail the little bitch.

–N train

Posted on September 19, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

Wednesday One-Liners: Straight, Not Narrow

White woman to friend: Wow, this is a great place to meet straight people!

–Madison Square Garden

Dude to female passenger: If I was straight, I'd be hitting that, but I'm not straight, so I won't be hitting that.

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Maggie

Yelling blonde: What's my type? He should be straight, that's my type.

–68th & Columbus

Amateur philosopher: If I wasn't straight, I'd totally be gay.

–Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Headaches

Teen girl to friend: They're not gay! They're just old!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Peter

Posted on September 19, 2014
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, College, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Madison Square Garden, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Passengers, Philosophy, Questions, Sexuality, Stupidity, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Reject the Tyranny of Unrealistic Body Images

Queer: There were so many fat people there… I was, like, breathing fat-air.

–Lafayette & Bleecker

Fat guy, looking at cheese nips: Oh no! I don’t want the reduced-fat ones!

–Associated Market, Bleecker & LaGuardia

Latina on train full of Yankees fans and more people boarding: One person getting off and three getting on! Niggas is trying to fit and they fat! If you fat, take the next train! Oh my god! Fuck!

–4 train

Girl on cell: What would a party be without the two of us shaking our thigh fat at each other?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Woman: Skinny motherfuckers! I’m a plus-sized woman! I keep my man warm! I know how to make my man cum! Skinny Motherfuckers!

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: KA

Fat loudmouth: Obesity — it’s in the DNA. And last night, I felt the gene hit me. So I had a tuna sandwich, but I threw away the bread. The gene, it wants me to be fat — it don’t want me to look nice like everyone else.

–Uptown 2 train

Overheard by: Beecals

Realist chick: Yeah, I know how to say ‘french fries’ in practically every language because I’m a fat-ass.

–NYU Kimmel Center, Washingon Square Park

Overheard by: tj