All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Big Endowment

Girl: We can't become gay just to fit in at this school!

–NYU

Passer-by: I pay $40k a year for school, and that makes me better than you.

–NYU, Tisch

Overheard by: Dan Lurie

NYU girl at party: My parents are actually really into civil liberties.

–NYU Dorm

NYU chick to friend: I love coke! (passing white lady gives her a strange look) I meant the drink, not the drug, lady! Jeez, I'm a minority student at fucking NYU! You think I can afford a coke habit??

–8th & University

Overheard by: Melissa Perez

Gay NYU student, rolling around on the ground in student lounge: I am obsessed with the ground. I mean, who's going to judge me? There's like six million Asians here and none of them are gay.

–Tisch Hall, NYU

Mother, pushing crying two-year-old in stroller: They're never going to accept you here if you keep screaming!

–NYU Admissions

Overheard by: Sam

Wednesday One-Liners Support the Repeal of the Estate Tax

Filthy rich lady: Darling, you must get a private jet. We just don’t fly commercial anymore.

–Armory Art Show, 66th & Park

Saleswoman: Well, you can’t really compare a 16-hundred-dollar haircut to a 15-dollar one.

–C.O. Bigelow, 9th & 6th

Overheard by: Joey Gillis

Yuppie teen in wheel: Dude, we should totally start hanging out with public school kids. Not the ghetto ones, but, like — you know, the cool ones.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Eri

Little brat: But Mo-ooom, seven hundred dollars is not that much for a pair of shoes!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Maddi

Old suit: You should really make at least a hundred grand a year to live in Manhattan. You know, la crème de la crème . And if you can’t deal with that you should move to Jersey City with the Indians and the Asians.

–Theatre lobby

Sorority girl: No, it’s not like that. It’s just, like, he’s from Greece… And there’s, like, not a lot of rich people there…

–13th & 1st

Overheard by: Heather

Old lady employee : Oh, I want to be adopted by a nice rich family!

–F.A.O. Schwartz

Overheard by: fao

Wednesday One-Liners Say Booty is Truth and Truth Booty

Teen boy: So when you said you loved her, did you say you loved her booty?

–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Mom, to her kids: Your mama’s booty is gonna come in handy tonight!

–41st & 3rd

Overheard by: allison

Wednesday Still Remember When You Could One-Liner in Bars

Young hipster guy to hobo: I hate to ask, but do you mind if I bum a cigarette from you?

–Prince St

Overheard by: Kristen W.

Flight attendant on PA: We’d like to remind you that this is a non-smoking service to London, but passengers are permitted to smoke outside the cabin at any point during the flight.

–British Airways Flight to Heathrow

Crazy man: Smoking leads directly to prostitution!

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: voluptuousgrl

Dude: I’ve been smoking since I came out of my mom’s cooch.

–Hop Scotch Cafe

Woman with raspy voice: Man, cigarettes are so expensive now. When I started smoking, it was only a $1.25 a pack. Unless I bought them off my mom, she only charged 75 cents a pack.

–4 Train, Union Square

Overheard by: Christine

Mom to seven-year-old son: Come on, let’s go out for a cigarette. (looks around nervously at other audience members) Well, not that you smoke.

–Intermission, Rent

Dude, You'd Steal the One-Liners Off a Wednesday

One-armed cracked-out dude to equally cracked-out girlfriend: And he's lookin' at me like he ain't never seen nobody stealin' before!

–Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick

Overheard by: matthias

Drunk man to random girl on street: I mean, I stole this girls' shoelaces, and then she got really mad at me…

–2nd Ave & 4th St

Comedy show peddler: Who wants to buy some stolen shit? (pause) Nah, just kidding, who wants to see a comedy show?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ali

Woman with pink hair to friend: Fuck that bitch, she still stole my clothes when I was in jail.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Renny

Man to woman, about his father: Yeah, he was so great, so smart… A drug addict. He was always there for me. Like, if I needed something, anything, he'd go steal it for me. That's what sticks with you, you know?

–1 Train

Overheard by: RDM

Wednesday’s Too Sexy for Its One-Liners

Thug: Yo, baby! You so sexy! You look just like Ugly Betty!

–26th & Lex

Overheard by: Myrtle

Wandering popcorn vendor : Popcorn! Get your sexy popcorn here!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Mets Fan

Ghetto mom to young sons: Where my sexy glasses at?!

–W 96th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Megan W.

Teen thugette: You know who sexy? Mickey Mouse. That nigga sexy!

–Q11 bus, Queens

Jogger: I’m checking out my shadow to see how long my hair is in the back — it’s fuckin’ sexy!

–Central Park

Man: I love sexy cheese. I love sexy cheese!

–Outside Fordham University

Overheard by: …sexy cheese?

Wednesday One-Liners As Portrayed by Steinbeck

Hobo, after playing keyboard and screaming Christmas carols: Ladies and gentlemen, if you have any change I would greatly appreciate it. It would be going to a good cause — I need a lot of therapy.

–L stop, Union Square

Overheard by: sunny maguire

Crazy hobo to no one: It’s the Hudson River — it moved! On Christmas day, it will be April 15th. Sign my petition.

–M15 bus, Ave A

Overheard by: Getting off at next stop

Hobo: I’ll be your lover for a month if you buy me a motorcycle.

–79th & Broadway

Hobo to puddle: You don’t fucking know, man. Shit. You don’t fucking know.

–Penn Station

Homeless woman at 11 in the morning: I’m sorry to bother you all. I am homeless, and I haven’t had a decent meal since earlier today.

–F train to Brooklyn

Overheard by: I hadn’t had a decent meal at all at that time

Hobo to hobo friend: Yo, let me get your e-mail!

–W 27th St

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Maximum Occupancy

Professor: All the buildings in Florence are five stories high, because they were built before elevators, and that's how many stories you can walk up with groceries before you die.

–Fordham University

20-something tourist girl to family, about subway: It's like an elevator, but opposite.

–N Train

Bimbette: I, like, ran into them in the elevator and they, like, literally gang-banged me.

–Astoria

20-something woman: Do you think he ever found out I didn't fall down an elevator shaft?

–F Train

If You Can’t Do the Time, Don’t Do the Wednesday One-Liners

Woman: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe I’m being charged in connection with this crime. I mean she’s the one–she’s the one who committed manslaughter.

–Elevator, Macy’s

Cashier girl: You know, we haven’t gotten robbed in a while. I can’t believe it!

–Blockbuster, 94th & Broadway

Man: If I had anything to say him it would be this: prison is going to be hard on you because fraud is a crime!

–E train platform, 14th St

Overheard by: Cameron Rose

Dude: I’m just glad to be off the FBI’s Most Wanted list.

–Bleecker & MacDougal

Guy on cell: Guess who I interviewed today? This guy got sent to jail twice for sodomy…I had to call him back after I read that…But at least he’s not, like, a thief or something. I bet those two tear drops were for the guys he fucked.

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation nation

20-Something guy: It wouldn’t look good on your job application if you got arrested.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Kathy

Cop, arresting a man: I understand that, but you know it’s not really about being a good guy or being a bad guy. It’s about you taking that nice woman’s wallet.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: SUSAN

The Hills Are Alive with the Sound Of Wednesday One-Liners

Puerto Rican Mets fan in day parade, singing: "Aye girl, lemme smell yo feet, aye girl lemme smell yo feet, oooh oooh oooh, lemme smell yo feet."

–Union Square

Egg-shaped man with cane, singing to the tune of "What a Wonderful World": I see little boys, and little girls, they have good parents, but they get screwed up anyway… And I think to myself, I love the babies…

–L Train

Large woman, to the tune of "We Are All One Body": "We ain't with no retards! We man's chil'ren of the world!" (female friend sits across from her) I wish I could fuck every girl in the world!

–Metro-North Rail

Thug, dressed top to toe in Ed Hardy gear, singing in Eva Gabor accent: "Dahling I love you but give me Park Avenue!"

–51st St & Park Ave

Boy in hallway, singing: "Don't want to close my eyes, don't wanna fall… (laughter from inside closed apartment) Heh-heh… Shutthefuckup!

–NYU Dorm

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